Life is Hard.

You guys. 

Life is hard.

Like really, really hard.

That's my lesson from the last several months of my life.  Unexpected illnesses and deaths. Routine things that were not routine.  Plans falling through.  Gut punches and rebounds.  Heaviness of my soul.  Tangible proof that the world is a wicked place.  And then raising kids in all that mess.  

It has gotten to the point that I'm nearly fearful of what's around the bend.  What's the next unexpected deception or hurt that we will have to bear and HOW will we gather the strength to bear it?   Trust in leadership is hard.  Trust in people in general?  Even more so.

And it seems to be the same for everyone around me.  We are all manning our own little boats in a sea wild with waves.

It's like I am living two parallel lives.  One is for my children.  Pointing out the good and wonder of this wide world we live in and working hard to keep my struggles under wraps for their sake and the other, being very aware of a line in the sand.

And it may be that line in the sand that is killing me slowly.

The line in the sand comes from someone saying you are "family" and then proceeding to point out the line you cannot cross.  It comes out when matters reach a critical level.  Without family of my own, this line often brings a lot of pain to the surface for me.  A reminder that calling me family is just something nice that is said but when it comes down to brass tacks, doesn't mean a thing.  I recently lost a family like this.  One of the last things they said to me was "you are family to us and you always will be". 

And then I was cut out.  The line was drawn and I was told not to cross it.  And that is hard.

I'm more than processing a change of church.  I'm processing a change in family.  A family I have had since I was 20 years old.

This line comes up from time to time and it stings.  This line is really a circle.  Drawn around you and your people.  If I had one it would include my family outside of Doug and the boys.  Doug has one.  My boys will have one.  I don't have one.  It's just me, alone in that circle.  And that, is hard.

And I think that is what I am processing through.  The reality that I really don't have anyone for support.  No circle I can retreat to to process.  No line of my own for comfort.   People have let me down and in some cases lead a charge against me.  And that has left me feeling really alone.  And vulnerable.  And unvalued.  The staunchness of my aloneness has set me back on my heels.

When you are out there floating on your own, no anchors to ground you, it's a challenging ride. 

I know all the right things about God.  The verses and comforting things people will say.  I know they mean well but unless you are alone in your circle, you just don't get it.

So why am I sharing this completely depressing post?  Because I know that this is not a solo journey.  I know well enough by now that God will lead the right people here who need to hear that they are not alone. 

I have learned that if I just hang in there for a time, He will teach me and I will come out stronger.  It's just a challenging season and I don't want to waste it.

If this rings true for you, I hope you will hang in there with me.  I'm sure we will be raising an Ebenezer to His goodness in no time.  He always shows up and never wastes a hurt we experience.

If you are waiting on His goodness, it is waiting that will not be wasted. 

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