On Being Messy and Centering Yourself Again.

Emotions are crazy and totally untrustworthy. 

They send us off down roads that make no sense when compared to our actual reality.  They convince us of things that are not true, they set us on edge, they disrupt our days and our relationships and our hearts.

But they also define our mission in life.  And alert us to danger and tell us when to stop.

Emotions are a flipping roller coaster.

Yesterday was just one of those days. 

I've fully admitted before that I am a deep feeler.  Deep.  Over this last year I would say that this condition has only gotten worse because He has called me out.  He showed me a picture of what was happening and said "Who will do the loving here?". 

And looking side to side, hoping He would choose someone else all the while, I feel like I took a deep breath and said "me".   {more backstory HERE Now I am by no means the only "lover" among my people, this is just my slice of the journey.

I certainly did not want to step out of my comfortable place.  The place I'd known for 15 years of my adult life.  I liked that place.  I loved Sunday mornings if for no other reason than it was the only place to see "my people" all in the same place at once.  I did not come for the teaching, the worship a little but the people?  Always for the people.  To me that IS church.  The coming together of those who love Jesus and each other.  It was as close to going home as I am ever going to know.  

And then it was over.  Done in by one decision.  Collapsed in a singular motion followed by repeated sweepings under the rug.  And then the lies and deceptions and the hurts.  My people were scattering.  Sundays were no longer a place of comfort and Joy but of pain and mourning.     

God brought us to a place where He asked us "Can you walk away from it all? The people, the church,  the body and do what I say?". 

Man.  It was tough.  We left there not knowing where we would end up going to church.  We did our best to separate ourselves from others making the same decisions as we did not want to influence anyone, in any way.  We weren't sure what friends we would be left with.  Were the days of happy Sunday mornings with all of our people gone forever?  He wanted us to step out in trust without a single guarantee from Him.  "Just trust me".  

So we did.  Little did we know that the hurting was just beginning.  We began mourning death after death of relationships.  In our leaving we became the villains.  Talked about at staff meetings.  Called wolves in sheeps clothing.  Lied about.  Lied to.  Banned from being spoken to.  Blamed for everything.  You feel like you are living under a microscope, being watched all the time while not being spoken to. 

Who knew then that leaving would be the easy part. 

And yesterday was one of those days. 

One of those days where I began to wonder if my friends were tiring of me and my deep emotions.  Where I wondered who thought I was crazy, I mean they say I am, what is the truth in that?  And trust?  Man, that is a slippery snake to gain control of again.  When you leave an abusive situation, trust is always hard to get a hold of again.  

You are always thinking "What is this persons motives? Are they being honest? Is this a trick to get information? Are they playing me? What do they want?"  Trust becomes an action you have to choose, despite what your emotions are telling you.  Your emotions at this point are all jacked up on espresso and screaming that the sky is falling.  

You compare your inside with everyone's outside and begin to wonder why you struggle along as they glide.  

And then I have to force myself to look at reality.  Maybe you need to as well.

We are mourning the death of something dear to us, that was part of our lives for many years.  That is a big thing. 

Processing doesn't look the same for everyone.  

We are called to LOVE other people.  That requires that we get in there and get messy.  You can't comb through the garbage with someone and come out clean.  If you are really going to love well, you will have to get dirty.  

We pray for our hearts to be broken for what breaks His.  This is His answer.  

Feeling things means you are working through them.  

And mostly, I'd rather be completely who I am, messy feelings and all, and know that the people around me haven't been scared off one bit than to have a day of feeling "normal" and be surrounded by people I wasn't sure could stand the fire.  

If you've loved me this far, chances are you aren't going anywhere.  

Because tomorrow might be one of those days.  
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