The Benefits of Pain.

I am sitting here in the quiet of the morning, before the boys are awake and just wondering what in the world to share here this morning. 

A lot of things are running through my mind.

The first of which is that today is the anniversary of Doug's grandpa passing away.  He was such a good man that it would be impossible not to miss him.  Even though he wasn't my actual grandfather, he always treated me as such and that meant the world to me.  I have felt like an orphan all my life and he made my forget that when we spent time together.  

As you may or may not recall, we cut ties with my family years ago.  It was a final decision.  The door is closed for good.   It was not an emotional decision but a well thought out one.  My kids are healthy and normal and have never been exposed to 1/100000th of the junk that I had to deal with growing up and risking them is not worth it.  I have processed through all of that with them and can say that I'm good there.  It took me 18+ years of my adult life but, in general, it's all good.   

But.  I've come to realize that a large part of why my grief is so heavy with all that has happened lately is that I have felt orphaned all over again.  There were people that I thought of as family.  That I know, at some point, loved me the same way in return.  In fact, I am one of hundreds of people who looked to these people as parents in some way.  To have them not only turn from all of us completely and so swiftly, has left a lot of people hurting.  It's so confusing to have people say they love you and behave in a way that contradicts that.  Saying something with your mouth is meaningless unless your actions back it up.   

And there is not even a window cracked to discuss it.  The one chance we had to talk to them about it we were met with a wall.  Nothing is open for discussion, it's almost like they know what the truth is and want to be able to deny hearing it.   

But God.

He is not absent in it all.  He is working.  He is using even this most painful situation.  He is helping me see humanity in everyone.  Through this He is teaching me how to have an honest and deep love for my enemies and those who come against me.  He is teaching me the difference between lip service and soul action.  He is creating in my person an open place for anyone.  I am gaining more and more everyday the ability to be kind to people that I know hate me.  I am becoming more and more un-phased by their bitterness and blindness and just working on being ready for when they wake up, if they ever do.     

It is *hard* work and I often suck at it.  I want so badly to revert to my human instincts and just return jab for jab. 

But God. 

Every time I resist, He shows up.  He takes my hurt and molds it into something new.  He shows me the satisfaction that comes from allowing Him to defend me.  From allowing Him to be the judge.  From trusting that He sees and He acts and He shows up. 

As a deep feeler, and I mean DEEP, this is a hard road.  I am emotionally all over the place a lot.

But God. 

He is steadying me.  Slowly but surely my emotions are lining up like the horizon, steady and unphased by the waves. 

I know He is calling me to keep walking forward.  Let the weights and the anchors go and see how light I can be...

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