the end. {not bad, just different}

THIS is a post that I never thought I would write.  Like ever in my ever thought I would write a post like this.

But after much prayer and thought and love from all of you, carrying me through the last six months of my life, I feel like I can finally {and should} share why my heart has been so heavy for so long.  Why I have never grieved so deeply, with such pain that I can literally feel it weighing down my heart.  It has taken Doug and I these last six months to really process through a lot of emotions and actions to get through to a clear picture of what God wants us to know, see and DO! Six long months of being obedient to what we know He has said to us, following through with what He has led us to do, caring for those around us while forgoing our own emotions and hurts.  God carried us through a busy, traumatic Fall, through the holidays (filled with some Joy, mind you!) and finally had us arrive in January where He said "Be quiet while I talk to you now".  And so we listened.  And as He began to share, we started to know what was coming.

And we didn't want to hear it.  Honestly.  We wanted easy.  We wanted same.  We wanted what we knew.

And we moved forward, day by day.  Each day bringing a little more clarity.  Doug and I would talk from the time he got off of work, until he got home, as soon as the boys went to bed, as we sat and watched TV and then laying in bed together.  We cried and prayed and begged for a different answer.  We have never spoken at length with one another about something for so many hours.  Ever.

God guided us all the way, and still does.  He brought people to us from out of the blue, whose hearts matched ours, to help along the way.   

And we could feel the veil being lifted as He brought sight to our hearts.     

You see.  Back in the Fall two staff members from our church were fired.  Friends of ours for almost fifteen years.  But we have great relationships with the staff of the church and we clearly heard God tell us to stay and support.  And that's what we did.  We were obedient to what He asked us, which is easy enough to do when you hear Him clearly and you love all of the people involved.  (I don't need to share any details here because that's not our story). 

That firing led to series of changes over time in the church (I'm not saying they are bad, just different) and over the last six months, the fabric of the church has changed.  (not bad, just different).

Once we were finally out of crisis mode at that church was when God really let us start dealing with our own emotions in regard to the changes {this was January and February for us}.  Made us really evaluate what we want in a church and why, something I don't think we had ever done.  And here comes the heartache.  

These evaluations brought us to the decision to leave the church we have loved for almost 15 years.  Looking back now, He was preparing us for this the whole time.  All the pieces fell together.   

This past Sunday was our first church experience somewhere new of our own choice {we had been at new churches when we lived in Charlottesville}.  And it was hard.  And made everything seem so final.  It brought up all the emotions, grief, sadness, anger {as I watched Moses struggle to adjust to a change he had no fault in causing} and deep, deep feelings that I can't even begin to describe.

But in the hard day that was yesterday we learned what we wanted in a church.  We learned that our number one thing is community.  Community brings us closer to God.  Our number one thing is to walk into church on Sunday and see God's character oozing out of everything around us.  We don't care as much about deep lessons on scripture or special series on this or that, Doug and I already purpose to learn and do those things on our own throughout the week, to us Sunday is the day to "show me the fruit".  I want to walk in on Sunday and it be like a fresh market where my chosen family is walking around in the fruits of their week.  THEN the sermon is icing on the cake.  Kind of like a delicate treat at the end of a great meal.  That's what we had on Sunday, for the first time in months.     

Please hear me when I say that I don't think our former church is bad in any way.  It is full of great people seeking the Lord with all they have.  Great people who love Jesus and who we will miss seeing on Sunday's.  It's just DIFFERENT and not my kind of church anymore.  All of the things I said above are still true for some of the people there, it's just a different flavor for us now, different kind of market.  

And really.  At the end of the day, that is what God has told us.  Put the past six months aside and look at now.  Changes in a church change the church, change how you feel about the church, and your place IN a church.  Just factual stuff.  No emotion needed.   

But still.  All the "ugh"'s and all the "woah"'s to emotion.  Because we like same.  We like easy.  We like what we know.  Doug and I both said yesterday that we have never felt more fragile or broken.  Never more vulnerable to how other people handle us.  We are highly susceptible to hurt at the moment.  Like very thin glass.   

I felt like I needed to finally share with you all why you have been praying for me for months and why I would appreciate your continued prayers.  Your comfort and emails and prayers have done their part to carry us, even when I couldn't tell you why.  So thank you for that!  

I feel like I am grieving a death, something idyllic that I once knew is gone, like part of me is gone.  We are working through the emotions of all of that and want to do our best to be love to others.  Many are in our shoes and we want to handle them gently as the Lord brings them to us.  We want to live in peace with all and move forward in gentleness.   We still love and pray for the church that housed our souls for 15 years and go forward so thankful for all we have lived and learned there.

We are eager to be excited for change.  We know the Lord has good things in store for us but first...we must make it to the other side of this with Joy in the meantime.   

Continuing to place it all in His hands...

**sidenote, this decision has also led to me not being allowed to go to England any longer, adding to our sadness.**
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Blogging tips