what i wish i could tell you. vol. 2. num. 3.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at crystal @ littlebitfunky.com.  
You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anonymous number 3.
I wish I could tell you that our sex life is not what I thought it would be, and it makes me feel sad and afraid.  It is hard for me to admit this because there are so many reasons I am grateful for you and for our marriage.  We both waited a long time for each other, and God wrote an amazing story for us, one that can only be used for his glory because it has not been easy.  I feel so blessed that God gave me the most perfect man for me.  I have never doubted for one second that God has ordained us to be married to each other, and I am so happy I get to do life with you.  
I guess that is why I feel selfish saying that I wish our sex life were different.  I wish that you wanted me more.  I know you say you do want me but that you are just tired.  This makes me afraid.  We have been married for less than a year, and we don’t have kids yet.  What is going to happen when we do have kids?  What is going to happen when we have been married for years?  If this is what it’s like when we’re newly married and supposed to be “all over each other”, I’m scared for the future. 
I thought that you would want sex all the time.  I thought that I would have to deny myself to have sex with you more often than I wanted to.  I thought that our honeymoon would be way more full of sex than it was.  I thought that you would be the one asking for more and I would be the one asking for us to slow down.  I never thought that I would be crying myself to sleep at night over feeling undesirable to you.  The worst of this was several weeks ago when I cried myself to sleep three nights in a row.  I feel simultaneously grateful and mad that you can fall asleep midsentence.  It means that I can cry quietly without worrying about you hearing me, but it also makes for some very lonely nights of staring up at our vaulted ceiling.  Some nights I want to punch you in the stomach because not only are you snoring while I lie awake feeling miserable, but you are also laughing in your sleep.  I know it’s not personal, or even about me, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. 
I hate that this is so difficult for us to talk about.  I want to be sensitive to you because I know this very topic could feel like an assault on your manhood, and I don’t want you to feel that.  I don’t feel like you are less of a man.  I just feel disappointed that we don’t have sex as often as I would like.  It is so easy for me to feel like I just need to “suck it up” and learn to be happy with what we have.  It’s not like we’re not ever having sex.  It’s not like I wait for weeks on end for us to have sex.  I know there are people out there who have it way worse in this area. 
I feel embarrassed that I get so sad and emotional when you don’t feel up to having sex.  You say that you don’t want me to take it personally.  You say that it’s not that you don’t want me, it’s just that you can’t right now.  I have mostly stopped initiating, thinking that would help you not to feel pressured or obligated.  You know I am ready all the time. There hasn’t been a time where I have said “no”, so if I let you lead us in this, maybe I will feel less rejected and maybe you will feel less pressure.  This tactic hasn’t worked, either.  It is difficult for me to just wait on you because I am so attracted to you.  I want you so much, and you feel it.  I know you do.  Then you wait for me to initiate because you know I want to have sex, but you want me to tell you that I do or make some move to show you that I do.  I am stymied.  You want sex to be on your terms, when you are ready and feeling up to it, but you also want me to initiate.  How do I initiate when it’s so impossible for me to know when you’re ready?
I think we both expected sex to be different before we were married, but we both expected it to be different in opposite ways.  I expected you to have a higher sex drive.  You expected me to have a lower sex drive.  Because of your history, I expected you to want sex a lot more than you do.  Because of my temperament and my lack of “history” you expected me to be more timid and shy.  Add to that the stereotypes that are put on men and women about sex, and we both feel like there is something wrong with us.  You feel like there is something wrong with you because you are bemoaning the fact that your wife wants to have sex with you all the time.  I feel like there is something wrong with me because a woman shouldn’t want sex this much or have a higher drive than her husband. 
I feel sad and afraid that I am fearful of laying all of this out on the table with you.  We have talked about some of it, but there are a lot of times where I do try to “suck it up” and not share with you how I am feeling.  I try so hard to please you and to give you what you need: the recovery time, the naps, the encouragement, the time to decompress.  I want that for you.  I want you to feel happy and in love and well rested and like my man.  You are my man, and I love you with all of my heart.  I feel lonely in this sometimes, like I am the only one who is in a situation like this and afraid that it might never change. 

Want a turn to share?  Email me at crystal @ littlebitfunky.com. 
Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.
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