on being a hot mess.

Can we have an honest conversation here?

I am a hot mess.  Pretty much 99% of the time.  On any given day you can find me wondering why in the world my husband would ever choose a crazy girl like me?  Why not a nice, simple girl whose parents come to visit on Sundays?  Or one who has a normal history and a past that is less stapled together with pain and errors?  {if you need more on that you can go HERE or HERE}. 

The holidays are creeping up on us at warp speed and to me that means a dose of the usual. 

The mourning, the pain, the regret, the empty room in my heart that should be adorned as a beloved daughter.

God has been working.  And as usual, He is working in His own time and pace.  Which, since we are being honest here, is painfully slow in comparison to how I would like Him to work.

Let's be clear now, I am so thankful that He is working, that He loves me so much that He will never get me to a point where He says "good enough".   He has done so much redemption in my life that if He did stop where He is now I could not utter a complaint in good conscience but it's good to know that point will never come. 

It's just in my human-ness I'm like "let's roll up our sleeves and get to work here, let's paint and buy furniture and rearrange and hang curtains and getthisthingdone!!!".

Aren't we all like that?  I'm a little 50/50 here.  The fact that He is working so carefully and diligently on this issue so close to my heart makes me hopeful for what He has in store for me, because I know that it will be the best.  The other 50% feels like the same hollow place I've always been and the coldness of that place sometimes, in my weakness, makes me wonder if His love will burn hot enough to warm me to the core again.  Will I ever feel like a loved daughter?  

I have no memories of being mothered.  My brother was born when I was five and when you live with an alcoholic, you become the mother a lot of the time.  I have no memories of feeling loved, of being thought of like a daughter should be so it's ironic to me that I should even long for such a thing.

But the truth is this, my most often felt negative feeling is loneliness.  A hollowness where the love of a parent should be.  Nearly every other role in my life is fulfilled, full of love and gushing with hope and people who are amazing.  I AM a mother and wife and a friend.  I get to be a sister to those God has chosen for me.  Every area of my life that I can work at, I do, with all my heart, but many days the weight of the empty place is the hardest to carry.  The quietest part of my heart is the loudest.  

So that's where I am this Sunday afternoon.  I have a few more thoughts on the matter but those are being drowned out at the moment by a boy pounding on a typewriter.  I just had one of those feelings that maybe you needed to hear that someone else was waiting on God to act on their behalf today.

And that is a tough place to live.  Hoping one moment, mourning the next, anticipating for a few moments then regretting the next.  It's a roller coaster for sure, but I can't wait to read this one day and see what new place He has brought me to.  

Hang in there, keep praying, and keep on to Him.  He has the answers and He knows the path, even if, at times, it feels like it is moving at a painfully slow pace.


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