i am awesome?

So recently I've entered into what I feel is another growing period in life. 

I don't know why I thought I could be "good" for a while.  Like somehow I could shoo God off to tend to someone more "needy" than myself but I was seriously like "Lord, I just went through FIVE years of tough, hard, difficult growth.  Can't I be "done" for just a bit?".

Apparently that answer is "no, not even close".  He loves us too much for that.   

The good news is that, for me at least, once you get to a certain point of your relationship with Christ you can know more what to look for, where to look for it, what to ask, who to ask, etc.  Once you accept the reality that God is trying to do a work in you, half the work is done.  But then the hard part starts.  

It took me a bit of time to get to that reality.  "OK Lord, I see you are trying to do something here {even if I really don't want you to}, help me to see what you see".

And wouldn't you know.  He starts to talk to you.  

If you've been here for sometime, you know my past, my history, my struggles.  The good news is that I am past 95% of that.  I accept reality, I no longer pin any hope on change in certain areas but instead live in the truth that I feel has been spoken to me about certain situations. 

Here is what I am struggling with.  And it is simultaneously difficult and embarrassing to say out loud but you've heard me say before, I believe the enemy uses quiet and secret as one of his main tools of destruction.  Sharing our deepest pains and struggles with fellow believers removes so much of their strength.  

So here is my struggle, my internal issue if you will:  if I am not "good enough" for my family (beyond Doug and the boys) to want to grow and change for and be in a relationship with, than who could possibly think I am good enough to love?  And why don't I have family that loves me?  Why do I have to be alone and do without the comforts of family". 

Sounds way lame right?  But when you have suffered severe emotional injury at the hands of others, you begin to believe lies that they tell you with their words and actions.  And when you hear them year after year after long year of your life they become the truth.  Almost indistinguishable from actual truth.   

Never once in my life have I lived as a confident, lovable, awesome woman.   Not today, not yesterday, not ever for a moment. 

I am awesome??? Pfffff.  No way.  I could never bring myself to say that out loud.  Ask me to describe myself now and I'd say something along the lines of "I'm OK.  I'm a good person, or at least I try to be.  I do my best most of the time but I still fall short of being lovable and awesome or worthy of anyones time."

And I am (a tiny part of me) only just now (like within the last couple of days) beginning to wonder if that is a lie. 

The crazy part to me, is that I have no problem showering praise on those I love and care about.  I can see the good in others, the joy, the strength, the admirable qualities, their lust for life abundantly.  I can look past any "flaw" a friend sees in themselves and see enough good to move mountains.  I see deep loving hearts, amazing talent and awesome women.  For sure!

And then I look inward.  And it's like my friend is standing on one side and I on the other.  Her side is bright and beautiful.  Rainbows and birds, color and creation.  Then there is a line and I am on the other.  Bleak and cold, black and white.

Am I awesome?  Pffff.  NO WAY. 

So that is a picture of my struggle.  Of my current battle.  I'm learning that I need to replace my internal dialog with TRUTH so I am no longer ensnared in lies. 

Because the truth is, even if I can't feel it and believe it just yet, is that I am awesome because God created me.  I wasn't manufactured or mass produced.  I didn't just appear in a long line of others.  He took His time with me, created me just as I am with the qualities He saw fit.  He loves me and thinks I am pretty amazing.  He is just as proud, no prouder, of me as I am of my boys.  His love is perfect.  And though His path for me has left me an "orphan" I don't have to live as thought I don't have family that loves me or my boys.  He has surrounded me with true family.  Family that loves unconditionally with open hearts and a mind for His plan.  I am accepted and needed.

I am on integral part of His plan.    

So for now I mumble truth meekly.  For (irrational) fear I may be struck down when I speak it.

i am awesome.

And you know what? Maybe you need to know that, too.  Shall we walk this road together?

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Blogging tips