an honest post on motherhood in the summer.

Let me start this post by saying that I fully believe that there is no one way to be a good mother.  I think that one look at Proverbs 31 gives us an amazing array of all different kinds of women and mothers we can be.  I don't believe for one moment that there is one way to be a good mom but as many ways as there are stars in the sky and determining that path is up to you and God. 

It all depends on God's path for you.  And accepting that path as your own once you discover it.  And above all, being OK with that path and not comparing that path to someone else's path. 

And apparently, using the word "path" a lot.

With that being said I must admit something.  Something that I am certain that will bring me some flack and criticism.  But I can't be alone can I?

I love my kids.  Adore them, work hard for them, do anything for them kind of love. 

And I can't wait for school to start again.  It's not that I don't like being with them or having summer fun with them or creating memories of long summer days with them.

But the 24/7 thing is just not how I was made as a mother.  I need a break.  I need time apart.  I need some structure to our days.  I need school to start back up.

And the absolute irony to that is that I will also be sad when school starts back up.  I will miss them during the day and wonder what they are up to and how they are faring.  But I need that time away.  I need it to be a better mother.  I need it to be a better wife and friend and business owner.

I am not a mother who longs to be with her kids 24/7.  I was that way when they were babies.  When they were completely helpless and needy I fully felt like I needed them near me at all times.  The truth is that the older they get, the more I want them out there.  Stretching their little wings.  Learning how to stand on their own a bit.  Getting some safe life experiences that will form them into who they will become in this world.

I don't need to be the master of all of their time.  Doug and I choose carefully the people who get time with our kids so I have no doubt that we land them in the right places. 

Summer is equal parts stressful and fun for me.  The good moments are really good, the bad ones are not very pretty.  I've kinda been a hot mess the last couple of weeks.  Trying to balance productivity with fun.  Trying to be everything to two little boys, run a business, thrive in marriage and everything that I want to do promptly settles at the bottom of the pile.  Kind of like forced selflessness. 

Selflessness is draining when there is no recharge.  And I don't say that to sound like I am some sort of martyr or anything like that.  I am just saying, to be a GOOD PARENT, you have to be self-less, regardless of what kind of path you are on, and being self-less is something that goes against the nature of human beings, and anytime you work against your nature for an extended period of time, it is draining.

And I realize also, that some folks believe that we should never go against our nature, we should be who we are "meant" to be and not fight it but I don't think that is the destiny of those following Christ.

We are called to : "Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh."  Romans 13:14.

Part of me knows that a breather comes with the Fall.  Part of me also knows that where there is pain and struggle, there is growth in who Christ wants me to be.  

So I will trudge on.  I will start over again and again and again.  I will take deep breaths and say short prayers.  I will do my best to make memories with my boys.  I will put off self and put on Christ.  I will be sad when I leave them on the doorstep of the school but I will drive away taking a breath of relief. 

And I will be OK that this is my path.  
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