oh the agony...

A few short months ago I gave birth to my first born son.  He was beautiful and tiny and perfect.  People cooed over how beautiful he was.  I'll never forget my friend Martine telling me "He is beautiful Crystal.  No really, in the world of babies he is just gorgeous".  And he was.  He was a delight as a baby.  Each transition was easy.  He slept through the night early, took to foods well, potty trained quickly and just this morning walked into a big, new school all by himself.

Oh wait.  It's been nearly six years and not six months.  It just feels that way. 

I didn't think that today would be hard.  I'm not one of "those" moms.  I never tend to be over emotional about much of anything.  In fact, I'm a little convinced that at the precise point in development that you learn how to cry at sad movies and other sappy things, something traumatic must have happened to me because I just don't have that trait.

But this morning.  This morning.  This morning I took my first baby to kindergarten.  I left my whole heart there with him.  I watched him get out of my car, on his own and walk to that big new building.  I watched him turn around and wave at me with a smile and skip happily on his way. 

I listened to him say "No thanks" after I asked if I could walk him in.  He saw other kids being walked in by their parents and he wanted no part of it. 

I'm honestly a little shocked by how hard this day has been.  I'm grieving over the change.  It's a huge one.  I'm thankful for every day of almost six years that he has been with me at home.

I'm so grateful for a husband who would do anything he can, and has, to make sure I could be the one taking care of our kids at home.  I know that because of that, I was able to be there for everything, not missing a moment of his precious little life.  A gift that I don't take lightly.  Though the trauma to my heart is great at the moment, I know it will pass.  For now, I have to fight the urge to just go get him.   
I pray fiercely for his tender heart and sweet disposition.  I pray that he makes friends easily and that he is a friend to those who need one.  I pray that the love of Jesus pours out of him onto others.  I pray for his protection in this world that is full of evils.  I pray that this next phase only changes him for the better.

And I offer a warning to the mamas who have not gone through this, because they are still cuddling that snug little baby: It's true that time flies.  It's vicious and cruel but true.  You may look at that baby and think you have years but the truth is you have moments.

First they walk, then talk, then make friends.  A wave of first things will follow: sleepovers, preschool, new siblings, first Christmas, first birthdays and first ice cream cones.  They all blur together in a fury of time.  Before you know it, in a weeks time they learn to ride their bike with no training wheels, swim 20 yards on their own and walk into kindergarten with all the confidence and bravery you've prayed for them to have.  At least that's how our last week has gone.

I thought I had years...but I really had moments. 

And now I'm clinging to the knowledge that the love and concern I have for Moses is just a flicker compared to the love and concern that the One who created Him has for him.
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