deep breaths and sighs.

This post sucks to write. 

But it feels like one of those posts I am supposed to share for reasons unknown to me.  It would be much easier to ignore it and pretend like it doesn't exist but the truth of the matter is that it does.  And if I ever feel like I am supposed to share something, I do.  Because even if I am wrong, at least I am learning to obey and that is key to me.   If this blog has taught me anything, it is that God can use me and my experiences in ways that amaze me if I only let him.  I want to be obedient to his will for me, even if it means looking foolish. 

We, the Johnsens, have a lot on our plate at the moment.  And like I have shared before, I can't quite share all of the details but you better believe I will as soon as I can because I believe God will continue to show up in amazing ways that MUST be told!  So while we are in the midst of an amazing God time, you wouldn't be surprised to know that it is also a major time for attack and negativity from the enemy.

Somehow and someway he finds the just right time and opportunity to build himself a little foothold in our lives and once it's there it's like chipping away at steel and concrete to get rid of it. 

(here comes the sucky part)...

And I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I have given him, gift wrapped nearly, two strong footholds.  And I have let him stay there long enough that I am having a tough time getting rid of him.

I bet you can guess the areas.  They are actually two facets of the same issue that I think every woman deals with. 

And they are....

YOU are not a worth contributor to your family.  You NEED a REAL job already.  Because of YOU, your husband has all this pressure on him to provide.  Because of YOUR laziness (in not having a real job) he has to work harder and handle more pressure than he should.  YOU are a failure in society.  YOU are making worthless contributions.   

And the other one, also a classic, thrown in just for fun and jest I am sure...

YOU are also unattractive.  Overweight, out of shape,  unlovely and unlovable as you are.  YOU need to lose weight, tone up more, eat better, get rid of those stretch marks and make yourself more attractive. Everyone around you is working harder than you to be "beautiful" WHY AREN'T YOU?

Ugh.  That is what has been playing in my head since January.  And even if I KNOW they are lies, the enemy provides plenty of proof that they are not. 

I am surrounded by loads of wonderfully successful women who manage motherhood and careers beautifully.  I have no desire for a "real" job.  

Their accomplishments are neatly measured, countable and publicly praised.  My measurements include butts wiped and underwear washed.  Things sewed.  95% of what I do is never seen.

I've always been happy and content with my body until...I have loads of friends frantically dieting and exercising and the enemy has convinced me that I need it more than they do.  Even if they don't. 

This past year has been amazing for me in terms of discovering who God wants to me to be and accepting AND loving the roles he has set in place for me.  The enemy is convincing me that they are selfish and not worldly enough.   

I finally become comfortable enough to say I am an artist and a sewist.  And the enemy convinces me that no one takes that seriously.  

I'm on a hamster wheel and I don't know how to get off.   And that is where I am.  I have no resolution to share at the moment because like I said, this is something I am still dealing with on a daily basis. 

And I have no idea why I was supposed to share this...because I'm sure it sounds like a huge pity party, but that is honestly not my intent.  I KNOW who I am in God I'm just having a hard time making the Lord's voice the louder one at the moment.  I'm doing all I know how to do...I am in the Word, I am reading encouraging books, but at the moment, it's like I am throwing things at the wall and waiting for them to stick. 

On the other hand, God has been showing me beauty in the mundane tasks of my day.  Finding JOY in washing the dishes, doing laundry and taking care of our home.  I'm proud to be a stay at home mother and my business is doing better than ever before.  Things, in reality, are going very well. 

It's a weird place to be...knowing your place and having questions and doubt thrown at it constantly.  Maybe I should take that as a sign that I am doing what I should?  I don't know yet, but I won't be giving up anytime soon.  I just know there is a lesson to be gained in here some where...

I'll keep you posted. 

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