i'm a slow learner.

(grab a drink and a snack...this is a loooooooooong one).
a lot of people chose a word to represent what they hope to accomplish in the coming year.  most words are full of charm and hope...like "simplify" or "love" or "enjoy" or "live" or "awesomesauce".

just kidding on that last one...for the record that is a ridiculous "word".   

i feel like my word chose me this year.  and that word is "unsettled". 
if it was a phrase it would be "question everything". 

i feel shaky in every role. 
i feel not myself. 
i feel like a huge part of who i am meant to be is missing. 
i feel beat up and homesick.  

part of this unsettled-ness, i believe, is a cleansing of sorts.  
the way you empty out a closet so you can organize and clean it all out properly.  
i've said before that to undo the first 18 years of my life will take years 19 through 36. 

i'm at the "closet is empty and all of its' contents are strewn all about" stage.  

i'm empty.  and cleaned out.  ready for a fresh start and a new foundation.  
a couple of weeks ago i started a new Bible study. 

and even though i had no idea what the study was about when i 
signed up...i could not have chosen a more appropriate one for me.  right now. 

i told God that if He woke me up before the boys, i would do each page of homework for the study.  this is huge.  i never do homework.  i learn more from discussion and the note taking.  
but God knew i needed to do this homework.  and He has been kind enough to wake me around 6:30am every morning since we spoke about it.  just enough time to have my coffee and get a days worth of Bible study done before the boys wake up. 

the first few days have been all about how God has ESTABLISHED me,  PLACED me, EQUIPPED me, ANNOINTED me for exactly where i am right now.  
i have not happened upon this place in my life by accident. 

the overwhelming theme for me has been God yelling to me 
(God knows i'm stubborn and thickheaded and sometimes need 
things like this spelled out for me.  it's okay, i'm cool with it). 

and as God is yelling this to me...the enemy has a constant whisper.  

and it sounds like this: 
you are forgotten.  you are worthless.  you are not important.  there is no plan for you.  no one wants you.  you have no talent.  you are forgotten.  you will never get to go home.  you don't deserve a good life.  you don't deserve another single blessing.  you are terrible at all you do.  you are FORGOTTEN.  

and both reels are constantly rolling.  

but i am learning.  that the more i DIG IN.   
the smaller that whisper gets. 

i have taken to saying to myself (in true whacko crazy person style)
i am in HIS hands and YOU cannot touch me.  
not the unkind words.  
not the unkind actions of others.  
not my shortcomings.  
not the ways that i don't measure up to others.

God made me for what i am doing.  period. 
He made me for taking care of every need of my three wonderful men.  for washing their clothes and filling their bellies.  for being their constant.  for fixing the boo boo's. 

i am here to serve the wonderful little people in my life (and God willing other peoples little people too!) with joy and love and care.  i am here to wipe noses and change diapers and make dinner (and lunch and breakfast).  i am here to pick up toys and read books and love on the people in my life. 
Eph 2:10 tells us that we are God's MASTERPIECE.  

masterpiece is defined as a work of outstanding artistry, 
skill, or workmanship. a best work.

we are His best work.  He has placed us and equipped us for any and every stage that we are at in life.  times will change and i will be less needed in some areas and more needed in others.  

but what will never change is that fact that God knew each step before i took it.  if i am going to make it in this life and obtain my life goal of being a little old lady with a spot of carpet worn thin by prayer then i need to learn to DIG IN at every opportunity i can.  

God knows my dreams...because i believe He planted them there.  

i dream of moving back to blacksburg...into a house with a huge playroom and craft room with lots of sun.  having a garden so HUGE that you can't leave my house without a basket full of homegrown goodies.  living down the road from family and friends.  being part of my home church again.  playing with the boys on my college campus.  my husband going to Hokie sports events with my boys. 

all dreams that i believe, are God given. 
and i am learning that i can't do a thing to make them happen.  i can only do what i have been ESTABLISHED, PLACED, EQUIPPED and ANNOINTED to do.  
and it's up to God to take care of the rest.

i'm learning to rest and settle into His plan and the peace that comes with it.  
because i am NOT forgotten.  
and there IS a plan for me. 

i will do what i can do 
and God will do what only God can do.

and together we'll get all the good stuff back in the closet.

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