guilt and grief.

OK...back to some real posting.  I am done with hoho's for a bit...I made 64 this last batch...what was I thinking?  My poor little nubby sewing fingers...

In response to my post about homeschool vs. going to school: guys gave me a lot to think about...if I could, I would live where one commenter mentioned that she can homeschool two days a week and the other three days a week her kids go to a private school.  Yes, please...where do you live?  We will start looking for a place there. 

One comment early on struck me the said something about not making a choice according to the guilt I am feeling.  And sure enough...guilt is smacking me around all over the place.  On both sides of the fence.  Let me try to explain this...

Growing up...I was not protected from a whole lot of anything.  I feel like this started me down a path that has taken YEARS of my adult life to walk back through and repair. And I do NOT want to make the same mistake with my kids.  Are my kids sheltered from the "world"?   You bet they are. They are 3 and 1...and they should be as sheltered as newborn baby.  We pretty strictly limit what they can watch and how much...we don't do Halloween...Doug and I never argue in front of them (not that we hardly ever argue in the first place)...they are never exposed to violence, fowl language, vulgarity of any kind...common sense things that kids SHOULD be protected from as long as possible.  At least common to us.  This is where guilt comes in...two fold. 

Guilt #1-sending my child into a public school where I can no longer control what they learn and protect them.  You cannot convince me that all is well in public schools.  The things that I read that are being taught to our kids these days in hopes of raising "tolerant" kids...makes me sick to my stomach.  I can only imagine all of the unlearning we will have to do once our kids are in school.  Do I want loving and kind kids?  Yes.  Tolerant?  No. 

  Guilt #2-I honestly and truly and down to the core of who I am know that I do not have what it takes to give my kids the best education possible.  It hurts to write that eyes well up a bit just to think it.  I cannot do the best for them here.  I know that.  

Grief #1.  Directed at Guilt #2.  Not being that kind of parent.  The kind that is nurturing and awesome and CAN do it...can teach their kids beautifully and well roundedly.  I mourn for the fact that I am certain that I cannot do it. 

I have to hold onto the hope that God has something better in store for my boys.

I do not think that kids NEED to go to public school to be "normal".  I don't want "normal" kids.  I want my kids to be loud for the Lord, loving and compassionate because of Jesus.  I don't want them to be a peg that fits in a hole.  I want people to know that there is something good and different about them.  I don't want them to be "tolerant" of sin...I want them to stand for what is right. 

Another comment that struck was about our kids being a light in the it public or private (which if I have to make 100's of hoho's to afford...I will).  What if all Christian kids were home-schooled?  Where would the lights be then? Hmmm...that got me thinking, too.

Guilt #3 (please don't throw things at me)  I think that maybe, just maybe, I may end up being a better parent to a child that was at school during the day.  I am kind of terrified to have just written that.  

Grief #2-I am not the kind of mom who loves to be with her kids every. second. of. the. day.  I love to get away for a bit...even a small bit is good for me.  I don't leave them for days...but a small break is refreshing to me...I feel like a better parent afterward.  Do I love my kids with ALL my heart? Yes I DO! 

Guilt #4- I am kind of looking forward to being able to focus a little more on my business and have day dates with my husband.  

Earlier this week I asked Doug "Do you expect me to get a job once both boys are in school?"

He said "Yes".  My. heart. dropped.  I almost cried.  Then he said "Just kidding".  Which I think I knew...I just needed to hear to make sure that I wasn't thinking home-school just to get out of getting a "real" job...

PUHLEASE tell me that I am not the only one who feels this way...and please don't read any of this as anything negative about home-schoolers...those of you who are doing it right have my utmost respect and I am envious of you...

I guess what I am trying to that I am leaning towards sending the boys to school...public or private will likely depend on where we live then...and if neither is an option where we are...then I know God will equip us for what we have to do. 

I know I had more floating around in my head...but I have had a long week of late nights and early my brain is not quite functioning at 100%.

Plus...the bat came back!!!!!!!  Those of you who bought hoho's recently have unknowingly paid for a chimney sweep to come and clean our chimney and make it bat proof.  This time was much less exciting...Doug spotted him between the glass and the screen of the fireplace...we called animal control and they sent a FIRETRUCK FULL of firemen.  They got rid of the bat in about 3minutes...with no screaming.  And we all lived to tell about it.  AAAaaand our fireplace is currently sporting a coating of duct tape until the sweep comes to do his thing. :) 

Feel free to leave feedback about the whole school thing...I am SO thankful for all of the comment and emails I got from you have given me a lot to think about and ponder for some time. 

Thank you and goodnight!!

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