Little Bit Funky: what i wish

Showing posts with label what i wish. Show all posts

9.23.2011

what i wish num 20.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs. If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com. You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise.

The author of this entry has chosen to share their name. Say hello to #20:

~*~

Hi! My name is Holly. I blog at Little Bit of Life.

I wanted to share a little bit about my family and why I think it is important for my kids to follow Christ. I shared a "What I Wish" post with Crystal a while back so if you remember it then you might remember that 1 of my 4 kids is my 12 year old sister. My family also includes my awesome husband of 14 years, our 14 year old daughter, 11 year old daughter, 6 year old son, and our 2 new kittens! It sounds overwhelming, right?

1 Corinthians 11:1 says "Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ."

I love that verse. If you ask any one of my kids what is number one in my life they will tell you that God is. While I am completely and totally in love with the Lord, I understand that I can't force my children to be. I can only lead them by example and pray that they will put Him first in their lives. We have established a pretty open line of communication in our home and our children know that they can talk to us about anything. They face unbelievable pressure and temptation on a regular basis in their lives far from what I remember at such a young age. I grew up going to church, however behind closed doors my childhood was troubled and very painful. It wasn't until I was older that I truly understood the love of Christ in my own life and I am still building on that relationship everyday.

I know this sounds a bit crazy, but I don't want to be the most influential force in my children's life. God should be. I want them to understand His word. I want them to know that life won't always turn out the way they think it should. I want them to know that when it doesn't, He will be right there holding them through it all. I want my children to be confident in their faith so that they may lead others to Him. I want them to make a difference.

My job is merely to be an example.

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

2.16.2011

what i wish num 19.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #19 (holly):

~*~

I wish I could write this story on my own blog because I feel it is important, however the pain for my family is too fresh so I will openly share it here, but for now details won't be discussed on my own blog. I want to tell you all that I have 4 wonderful, amazing, and loving children. However one of them I did not give birth to. In fact she has only been living with us for a little over a year. However I am related to her. She is 11 years old and she is my half-sister. I am her legal guardian. I want to tell you that her story is not pretty. It is one of intense pain. My baby sister was the victim of sexual abuse. Her abuser was her own step father. I know that doesn't sound like a uncommon story, but her story is a little different than most. You see, she told someone. She told her best friend and that brave little girl told her mommy and her mommy called my sister's dad. After that the police got involved right away and within 24 hours my sister was removed from the home and sent to her dads house. The next day we were trying to get all of our kids to their games and parties and such when I got a phone call. It was also Halloween. I was in shock. We found friends to watch our own kids and we drove 2 towns over to the department of children's services to be with her. When we got there we found out that her stepfather had just been arrested as he confessed to his crime and they had it on recording. I haven't even gotten to the worse part of our story. Our mother was there. She was in another room. The case worker pulled me aside and informed me that our mother was in complete denial and she had decided to support her husband even after his confession. She still supports him today having almost no contact with us. The case worker also informed me that she needed to find a safe place for my sister and that her dad was not suitable because he is not in the best health so we may be the only option. Of course we said yes. I want to tell you that as soon as she was out of that bad place that everything was great, but I can't. I will fast forward to the present. It has been over a year since that horrible day. My sisters step father opted to a jury trial that involved getting my sister on the stand within 2 feet of him to testify to what he had done to her. Several of the jury members were in tears. I want to tell you how brave she was and how my heart broke for her while she was curled up on the floor of the witness room sick at her stomach from the thought of being anywhere near him. I want to tell you that he was sentenced to 20 years in prison after being found guilty of his crime with no chance of parole. I want you to know that does NOT erase the pain of what he has done to our family. If you think that my sweet sister was the only victim here, you are wrong. Myself, my husband, and my own children are also victims. I want you to understand that this has been a VERY hard year on my family and at times I wanted to give up. I would be lying if I said I didn't. I am sure that some might wonder why I would want to tell my story. I tell it because I want you to know that one of the best ways to prevent child abuse is to educate our children. If you think that this can't happen to your family then you are wrong. It can happen to anyone no matter where you live or how much money you have. It doesn't have to involve a step parent either. The statistics for children of abuse are not good. I pray every day that we are doing the right things for my sister to keep her from continuing to be a statistic. Girls who are sexually abused are 25% more likely to become pregnant as teenagers. About 30% of abused children will continue the cycle by abusing their own children. You can read these and more statistic here . I want to you to know that you can play a huge role in protecting your own children from abuse. Last I want to tell you that I am not this great and wonderful person for taking my sister in. I have lost count of how many of our friends and family have told us that, but we didn't take her in so that people would say nice things about us. We did it out of love. We love my sister as we love our own children. I hate what she has been through, but it happened and I have to believe that God sent us all through this storm for a reason and my hope is in Him.

Holly (Little Bit of LIfe)

She was OK with not being anonymous. :) Go say hi and encourage her. :)

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

2.10.2011

what i wish num 18.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #18:

~*~

"What I wish I could tell you is that my divorce is killing me. I have been separated from my husband for 7 months. He is controlling and can be verbally abusive. He agreed to sign dissolution papers and now he is refusing to sign them because he feels that he should be compensated for our house, which happens to be my deceased grandmothers house.

There are some days where I feel like I can't handle life. I love my son very much and if it weren't for him I can honestly say I don't know how I would go on. I can face the fact that my marriage is over, but he won't leave me alone. He parties every weekend but makes sure I am home. He will only get our son if we are getting along. If he is mad at me he won't get him. I worry everyday that he will go to daycare and pick him up and take him to spite me. I have to worry every week if he is going to get him on his day, which is only on friday's at his request. It makes me sick to have to text him and ask him if he is going to be getting his son or not. Between the texts calling me names and the constant worry....I feel like I just can't take one more thing...one more stress...or I'm going to break down. I can get through the day to day tasks like working and grocery shopping or being around close friends. I can't handle going to any kind of get together where there are lots of people. I feel like I'm going to lose it....I feel like crying on those days. I am best when my son and I can just sit in our house and be together...left alone.

I hate it that there are times when I break down in front of my son. He is two and he will come over to me and ask me "ok mommy?" and it kills me even more. I hate it. I hate this person my husband is turning me into, but I don't know how to get a grip on myself. How to pull myself back.

It has taken me 12 years to realize how controlling that my husband can be. Although this isn't what I ultimately wanted...it is what is best. I do still second guess my decisions though. I wonder if things really weren't that bad. Maybe it was all my fault. I wish that we could be happily married but I know now that that is not going to happen between us. I hate that I have to get a lawyer to get a divorce and fight to keep myself and my son in our home because he insists on torturing me for not taking his crap. I am scared out of my mind for change. I'm scared I will never meet someone else. I'm 30....I want to have another child and I feel like that has been ripped from me because of him. What if I never meet someone else. I will never get to have another child. What if I have to sell our house to give him his share? What will I do? I just can't take it. I do have an appointment with an attorney on Thursday, could you pray for me that it goes well?

To my husband: It is time for you to let me go. You don't want to be married to me, you have chosen what you want and prove it to me every weekend since you left. I will not sit here and be at your beck and call. You can fight me all you want...I will fight back. I hate you for what you are doing to me and our son. Grow up and be a man for once in your life."

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

1.09.2011

what i wish. num 17.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #17:

~*~

What I wish I could tell you is that I dont know what I should do.

I realized we dont want the same things anymore. Maybe we never did. Maybe we were so excited about the idea of moving forward that we never looked very closely. I dont know if we have anything in common. I dont know if I can live each day knowing that I have to sacrifice all of the things I want and have so many expectations put on me.

I want to live in new york. You dont, and you think I want to live there because it is where she lives, but it isnt. It is where I feel the most like myself. I never wanted ot move away, but I was too young to make that choice, and I want to go back. I hate this house and this nowheresville town we live in. I hate having to drive 20 minutes to get anywhere and I hate being in a place where there is no culture. You love new york. It feels like you only say never to hurt me. I would settle for a 'maybe someday', but you wont even let me have my dreams.

I want to travel. Not just to see your parents in middle america- but to see the world. I want to go to Egypt. It has been my dream since I was 10. You have made it clear that you will never go. You have said you will not be OK with me going alone or with friends. I would never keep you from something that would so easily make your dreams come true.

I want to foster parent and adopt. Im not saying I wont put myself through the torture of fertility treatments so that we can try to have our own baby- but I feel so strongly that my children are already out there waiting for me, and you tell me that you would never even consider it. You say horrible things about these children, who I already work with and love. Dont you see how we can offer these kids a chance? They are good and caring and lost and alone. THey dont act that way because they are bad, but because they have nothing worth trying for. Im not saying I cant be flexible on age, or even that it has to be one of the kids I work with. I know you want to be a dad to little ones, but what is wrong with 6 or 7? What If my condition prevents us from EVER having a baby? will you change your mind?

I want to celebrate christmas. I realize we are not christian, but I want to and have always wanted to. I want so much to put up a tree and sing christmas carols, and go to christmas plays, and wake up on christmas morning that It hurts. Every year it hurts more. I KNOW you feel the same, and have since you were little. But, you say that your family would never understand. Why cant you see that I am your family too?

I want a day, just one, where I dont feel like I am under your thumb. Where I dont feel obligated to give in to your insane neediness and constantly rub your shoulders or cuddle. I need space. I want one day where I can purchase something small without getting the third degree. We are very comfortable, and I work too and feel I should have the freedom to purchase these things without explaining myself. I also wish I could have a day where you did not constantly comment on my salary or the fact that I love what I do and dont have plans to make more money in the future. You call it having no goals. I call it contentment. I have lots of goals- you just dont share any of them.

I am not happy. But, I love you. I dont know what I should do.

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

12.21.2010

what i wish. num 16.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #16:

~*~

What I wish I could tell you.....is that you have no idea how great he is. I mean, you do, because you have two other children, but in my eyes, you really do have no idea. He is everything I could have ever hoped for in a child....he's energetic, he's full of life, he's silly, he's brave, he's tenderhearted, he's so loving, he's perfect...really, he is.

I wish I could tell you that I think you are brave and I wish you could know that I really think that other than it being the "right" thing to say at that moment. To watch me walk in your hospital room, only minutes after giving birth to him, and pick him up must have been gut wrenching, but you did just that. You watched me feed him, you watched me love on him, you watched me take my first picture with him.

I wish I could tell you that in my heart, I could never love him like you did. We watched you walk out of that hospital that day with nothing while we were taking home our miracle. I honestly think that decision you made to give him to us is more love than we could ever try to show him in our lifetime. I promise with all that is in me that I will tell him of your love and how much you loved him. We already do. And while he doesn't completely understand yet, I know that God is working on his heart so that he can understand one day.

I wish I could tell you that I adore him and love him and you could know that he feels like mine. God started working on my heart long before he was born and just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean I don't love him and cherish him like I did.

I wish I could tell your sister who stood at the nursery window and watched him get his first bath while we also watched that we love him. She was so skeptical of the whole thing - she didn't want to see her nephew go to another home. I understand her feelings. But I wish she could see us with him, how we love him, how we adore him, how much EVERYONE loves him, then I think she would understand your decision. I think she would finally know you made the right decision.

I wish I could tell you so much more than this. I wish I could tell you that I think of you everyday. I know we send you updates yearly on him, but when someone else reads them before you do to make sure we didn't give away "identifying information" it just doesn't seem as real or heartfelt. We love you and are have been so blessed by your decision.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. There is nothing I could do to ever tell you enough or show you enough how much your decision means to ALL of us.

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

12.20.2010

what i wish. num 15.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #15:

~*~
I wish I could tell you that, sometimes, I question who you are. Sometimes, I wish I had made a different decision seven years ago.

I am still so in love with that eighteen year old boy who was so full of faith and drive and potential. I don't see that faith anymore. It makes me so sad that that part of you seems to have disappeared. I don't know if your education has challenged it or if you simply have grown away from it. I wish I could tell you, it seems like you have lost part of yourself.

You are brilliant. You are the smartest person I know, but in so many ways, you are foolish. You take all of us for granted. You have a wife who loves you more than you will ever know and three beautiful daughters who think you are the most amazing thing in the world. But, you are too busy. Too busy with work and finding time for yourself to see that we are all just waiting. Just sitting here waiting to be important to you again. Your girls are growing so fast. They are learning so much everyday and getting so big.

I wish I could tell you how amazing they are. Your girls. They are so full of life and wonder. I see it being crushed in them, though. Not just by you, by me, too. I am getting burnt out doing so much of this on my own. I wish I could tell you that I pray that they don't marry men like you. I pray they find men who love them just as they are. Just as God made them. Men who will love them and show them they love them.

I wish I could tell you how much I still hurt over the baby we lost. How much I question if I did something to cause that loss.

I wish I could tell you how isolated I am here. We are finally close to family and, because of you, I am more alone than ever.

I am not perfect. There is no question in my mind about that. I loose my temper, I get upset, I make mistakes. I know I do, you are quick to point them out. Not all of our problems are your fault. I bring my own basket of crazy to the table. I wish I could tell you, though, that when you think I am mad, I am usually just sad and hurt. I wish you knew how much I hate for you to see me vulnerable. Even after all this time and all we've been through.

I wish I could tell you the world is not black and white. No matter how badly you want it to be that way. There are not always clear rights and wrongs. You have to accept the shades of gray.

Most of all, I wish I could tell you how much I miss you. I miss being happy with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss feeling loved by you.

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

11.30.2010

what i wish. num 14.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #14:

~*~
I wish I could tell you how miserable you make me feel when we're out and you can't take your eyes off of that beautiful woman. How it hurts me, and it never goes away. How each and every time you do it I crumble.

I wish I could tell you that email I found, that you wrote to that woman saying she was gorgeous, nearly killed me. And, every time you look longingly at another woman I think of that email. Yes, I said I forgave you for that, but it never goes away. I wish I could tell you how it makes me feel that you would tell another woman, which you have never met in person, that she is gorgeous, and you have never said anything remotely close to that to me. I wish I could tell you that every time you do that I wish I would have ended the relationship before we ever married and had kids.

I wish I could tell you that I hate so much that I feel this way. I don't want to feel like this. I wish it didn't bother me so much that you do this.

I wish I could tell you that I have never felt so inadequate, so stupid, and so ugly, until I married you. I wish that for just one day I could feel like I was as beautiful in your eyes as those other women you stare at. I wish that for just one day I could be half as intelligent as you are, and that you wouldn't argue with or tell me how wrong I am for each and everything I say. I wish I could tell you how worthless you make me feel.

But what I wish I could tell you most of all, is that I love you, and if it were not for these wonderful children we have together I would just leave and never look back.

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

11.24.2010

what i wish. num 13.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #13:

~*~

Letter 1 to Friend 1

Dear Friend 1 I wish I could tell you how I really feel lately,

We have been friends for 12 years. We grew up together. We used to be able to talk on the phone for hours baring our souls to each other. I graduated and it all changed. We kept in touch, but you moved an hour away and apparently that was too far for either of us to travel often to visit. You were a Maid-of-Honor in my wedding, where did that friendship go? Our friendship started to decline then and there. You dated guy after guy whom I knew were not good for you. I watched you become a chameleon changing into whatever that guy wanted you to be. The last guy you dated was the worst and I so badly wanted to tell you how horrible he was, but you were blind and you would have shut me down. Years later you commented that what good are friends if we can't be honest with each other, you admitted that you were not ready for honesty back then.

Flash forward to last year. You got engaged and asked me to be your Matron-of-Honor. Despite the 1 hour time difference and 930+ miles between us I did everything I could to be there for you. When you called to pour out your heart about a concern in your relationship, I understood because I had been there. But I know you must have shared with him that you told me, because after that it was sugar coated and everything turned perfect. Knowing the issue I knew it never goes away that quickly--you had been silenced. It was then that our relationship started to go in reverse. The phone calls fewer and fewer, the conversations more shallow. Suddenly I realized our friendship was more of an acquaintanceship. My heart is saddened. Come back to me. Come back and let us grow as Christ wants us to. God created community so that no one would be alone. A picture perfect appearance to life is no good if there is no one in the picture with you. I've been reaching out to you, but it feels hopeless. My heart is heavy because I miss you. 12 years. This can not be the end. I want you to know it's okay for things to be rough and for you to confide in me.

Letter 2 to Friend 2

Dear Friend 2 what I wish I could tell you is that,

Friend 1 introduced us. We have been friends for about 10 years. It wasn't until after high school that our friendship blossomed. You were a bridesmaid in my wedding. You called for relationship advice and when I didn't know the answer I got a male perspective from my husband, which you said you were so grateful for. You have had tragic things happen in your life. You've lost loved ones, you've been lied to, you gave years to a man who changed his mind and married someone else. I can't fathom the hurt that you still deal with. It's not fair. I want you to meet someone, I want you to get married, and have babies, and accomplish all the dreams you have for yourself. You need help though. I can't tell you this because you will shut down and recoil back into your shell that you have so neatly placed around your heart. You need therapy to work through all the issues that have hurt you. I wish I could be that person who opened up to like you used to, but I realize now that I am not equipped to help you the way you need. I can only imagine how hard it is to see love in others when all your previous examples failed. I saw how you acted at Friend 1's wedding, how sad and withdrawn you were. I know you didn't mean for me to see it. It was obvious to me that you were sad that your own mother will never be there for your day. I know that you so badly want the partner God so carefully picked out for you. I saw you were hurt and yet I couldn't comfort you, because you were in denial. I pray for you, I pray for the friendship we once had where I would listen and you would pour out your heart to me. I want better for you, but you don't think you deserve it. Why must you keep everyone out? I was told that I made a joke that hurt you and I didn't even realize it. I apologized and I asked that if I ever do it again please tell me then and there so that I can realize how I hurt you and take it back so that it doesn't fester in your heart. Your passivity is not helping, you must tell me before I forget what was said. I need to do the same with you too. You have hurt me with your own words, but because I knew you were joking I let it slide. The jokes weren't funny to me, but I let it slide because I knew you would never mean to say something so hurtful. I don't want to start over with you, I don't want to go back to small talk, I want to slip back into our comfort zone where we each felt safe. Please come back to me so that we can grow together as friends the way God the Father intended.

Letter 3 to Friend 3

Dear Friend 3 what I wish I could tell you,

I have been friends with you for 12 years. You became friends with Friend 1 & 2 through me in high school. You were my bridesmaid and I am about to be yours, but during college our friendship drifted. You liked to party and had everything given to you, I worked full time and paid for my own school. You dated guys and participated in activities I didn't support, but I was still there for you. After college your friendship with Friend 2 blossomed even more, when you started to work together. I couldn't be happier to have all 3 of my friends as best friends to each other. But you still partied. I can't recall hanging out with you any place other than a bar for years. I was frustrated as I watched you drink yourself drunk each and every time we were together. Was I boring to you? I was told by Friend 1 when you were invited to her wedding that I make sure you didn't get drunk at the reception. I watched you, but inevitable you drank more than your fair share. A few months later you asked me if I had a problem with your drinking and I couldn't be honest because you were so angry with me. You said I told a stranger that you had a drinking problem which wasn't true. I realized later it must have been Friend 2 who said this, because she knew about Friend 1's request at the wedding. All of a sudden I am a bad guy because I tried to help Friend 1 on HER day. I do think you drink too much. There I have really said it now. I'm about to be in your wedding and I ask you all the time how can I help. You never want my help. I live the closest. You ask the people who live the farthest away to help you. Why do you want me in your wedding? You have confided in all of us that you have a problem taking things personally. That makes me scared to ever share my heart with you. The last time I did you lashed out at me. You spoke rashly and hurtfully and now I am pulling back. I have watched your start your walk again and I am so excited for this! I want your wedding to be all that you want it to be, but it will never meet your expectations if you continually compare it to everyone elses. Please let me help you, let me be the friend I've been trying to be. I want to be your friend, plain and simple.

Letter 4 to all of them.

Dear Friends what I wish I could tell you is that I've written each of you individually and now I must address the situation as a whole, except I can't. I can't tell you how you have really hurt me over the years. I am a friend who takes a beating and comes crawling back because I hope you will all change. In your defense, occasionally, you do change for a short period of time and I feel comfortable again. Inevitably you take pieces of me and use them as ways to make fun of me. I'm done laughing. I'm done letting you tear me down instead of build me up. I have worked so hard not to step on your toes for fear of how you will react, but I am tired of working so hard by myself.

What I really wish I could tell you is that I'm 10 weeks pregnant, or I was, until Saturday. I had a miscarriage and I couldn't tell you. You knew we were trying, but instead of being excited for us you laughed at us for planning. You chastised me for reading books about planning to get pregnant and preparing my body for a baby. My husband saw my hurt and couldn't believe how my "sisters" of 10+ years could be so cold. I used to think my kids would call you Aunts and that maybe one of you would be a God-Parent to my children, but the thought of that now puts a horrible taste in my mouth. I want to tell you that I was pregnant and I want you to realize that it was the most exciting thing in my life. We will never all be on the same page again in our lives. This isn't highschool anymore and I know you are newly weds, newly engaged, and single, but you must realize that I've been married for 6-1/2 years and that we waited to have kids until now. We have been planning and praying about this for a year despite only telling you 6 months ago. Your reaction to our planning made me realize you weren't ready to share this journey with me. The fact that we aren't all in the same stage of life is something that we should be excited about. We can all learn from each other! What I really want to say to you is that as much as I miss our high school friendship and the ease that came with it, I truly miss the potential our friendships could have now if you would let them, no matter how dirty they may get. I will be moving further away from all of you in less than a year and if distance is what we need, so be it. I pray though that at some point you'll understand what we were and what we are now and what God intended this to be. Thank you for the great years, I really honestly wish you all the best. I hope someday I can write you a letter thanking you for the amazing friendships you've blessed me with. I hope that by the time we get to start trying again that you will be excited for us. I hope someday you'll understand.

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

11.21.2010

what i wish. num 12.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #12:

~*~
I wish I could tell you my mother has passed away. It may not hurt as much to just have her be dead. I wish I could tell everyone my mother loved me. I wish I could say I have a great relationship with her. Instead when asked about my mom, I get a pit in my stomach. When I happen to see her on the rare occasion my heart drops to my toes. When I had my one and only child I cried for days that I didn't have a mom to show me how to be a mom and do everything just so. I wonder all the time why she doesn't love me. I wonder all the time what I did wrong. Knowing the love I have for my own son, I wonder how a mother could ever hurt her child. EVER. How could a mother ever lay her hands on her own flesh and blood.
I wish I could say I wasn't like her. I try every day to break the cycle. I live my life by her bad example. I try to be the mom she never was, and never will be. I try to not be her daughter.
I wish people could understand. I wish they could understand the reasons without me telling my whole story. I wish they would respect the choices I have made for my own life. I wish they knew I was better off without her.
While my dad has been the best stand-in mother in the world. My heart aches that I didn't have a mom to talk to about my first period. To talk to about the boys I liked. To take me wedding dress shopping. To ask breastfeeding questions to. To be there for my son as a wonderful grandma.
I wish I could tell you my mother was dead. Instead, I live with the pain of her living near, not caring, or loving me.

-anonymous

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

11.17.2010

what i wish. num 11.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #11:

~*~
I wish I could tell you that, sometimes, I question who you are. Sometimes, I wish I had made a different decision seven years ago.

I am still so in love with that eighteen year old boy who was so full of faith and drive and potential. I don't see that faith anymore. It makes me so sad that that part of you seems to have disappeared. I don't know if your education has challenged it or if you simply have grown away from it. I wish I could tell you, it seems like you have lost part of yourself.

You are brilliant. You are the smartest person I know, but in so many ways, you are foolish. You take all of us for granted. You have a wife who loves you more than you will ever know and three beautiful daughters who think you are the most amazing thing in the world. But, you are too busy. Too busy with work and finding time for yourself to see that we are all just waiting. Just sitting here waiting to be important to you again. Your girls are growing so fast. They are learning so much everyday and getting so big.

I wish I could tell you how amazing they are. Your girls. They are so full of life and wonder. I see it being crushed in them, though. Not just by you, by me, too. I am getting burnt out doing so much of this on my own. I wish I could tell you that I pray that they don't marry men like you. I pray they find men who love them just as they are. Just as God made them. Men who will love them and show them they love them.

I wish I could tell you how much I still hurt over the baby we lost. How much I question if I did something to cause that loss.

I wish I could tell you how isolated I am here. We are finally close to family and, because of you, I am more alone than ever.

I am not perfect. There is no question in my mind about that. I loose my temper, I get upset, I make mistakes. I know I do, you are quick to point them out. Not all of our problems are your fault. I bring my own basket of crazy to the table. I wish I could tell you, though, that when you think I am mad, I am usually just sad and hurt. I wish you knew how much I hate for you to see me vulnerable. Even after all this time and all we've been through.

I wish I could tell you the world is not black and white. No matter how badly you want it to be that way. There are not always clear rights and wrongs. You have to accept the shades of gray.

Most of all, I wish I could tell you how much I miss you. I miss being happy with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss feeling loved by you.

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

11.14.2010

what i wish. num 10.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #10:

~*~

......I guess I don't really have to tell you this, because you ARE God, after all, but seriously-what the heck were you thinking? Why was his sickness so drawn out, yet so short all at the same time? What did any of us have to gain by watching him suffer in that horrible hell-hole at UVA for those three weeks? In ten weeks time, this "Bigger than Life" man was living and then.....dying. I KNOW you are Sovereign, Precious Father-but Why? wHy? WHY? Why did some feel so deeply that you were going to heal him here on earth and then did not see that come to pass? What is it that you want from us, your broken and weary children? Why HIM? Why not the rapist or murderers sitting in prison? Why my most precious Uncle who had way too many years ahead of him, with a new grand-baby and a little buddy to be a Popa to? WHY? I wasn't finished sitting on the porch. I wasn't finished getting his rib cracking hugs. I wasn't finished smelling deep his scent. None of us were. Why? wHy? WHY?

What do I say to my Aunt, who blames herself, the doctors and then herself again? I can't argue-there's no point. It's all just "part of the grieving process." BUT, what if it's not? What if all these years of being driven by fear and anxiety, she finally caves in and believes and accepts the lies of Satan? I want to scream at her "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT-YOU DID ALL YOU COULD DO-CANCER SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS....." but I can't....because I know that I need to just love her like you do--and I truly think all you want to do right now is to hold her and listen and listen and listen.....

Will these tears ever run dry? Will the intensity of the ache in my heart, bones, even the breath I breathe-ever lessen? How will I manage when it's my own father? Or my own spouse or flesh and blood (GOD-take me instead!)?

You know I am grateful for every moment ever spent with him (especially my last days, in October when I spent a week in Charlottesville)..... But you also need to know-I'm just so frustrated and broken because YOU are GOD AFTER-ALL and for UNKNOWN REASONS, you chose another road and path for him and us. Time to show us the WHYS. Please? Please Dear God, PLEASE! And while you're at it, can you take SOME of this ache away? I hear your yoke is easy and your burden is light--must be nice. Let me share my pain and sorrow with you. Here ya go.

And by the way-I still love ya Daddy God. It's just I'm so-so-so......confused and broken. I know you get me. That's what makes you such a great Father!

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

11.10.2010

what i wish. num 9.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #9:

~*~
What I wish I could tell you ... is that the biggest hurt in my life right now is that we have been trying unsuccessfully for over a year to get pregnant. I wish you could know that the biggest desire of my heart is to be a mother and to experience an element of love that I can only imagine right now, and to think that God does not have this desire for my life is a pain beyond expression. I wish that in saying this, SOMEONE would know how I feel and share honest emotions with me. I know that I am not alone, but I am alone in my circle of relationships.

Would you tell me that God still has the best in mind for me? Would you tell me that His love is all that I need? Would you tell me that I can find my only true source of satisfaction in life in HIM? These things are true, and I know them, but I somehow have not been able to let them penetrate my soul in a way that takes away the pain.

I wish I could tell you that your comments, while well-meaning (I hope), just drive a little dagger into my heart. When you ask just how long we're going to wait to start a family, or if we EVER want to have kids, or say things like, "you'll understand when you're a mother" ... these things hurt.

I wish I could tell you that every baby shower or birthday party I go to, every picture of your precious baby, every glowing report of the next milestone they have passed, while I truly AM happy for you ... if I was honest ... I'm also a little jealous. And I seriously wish that that wasn't true, but I am human.

I just wish that this didn't cause me embarrassment. That I could let everyone around me know of the pain in my heart without feeling drowned in pity. I wish that I could say it straight when the topic comes up, rather than inching around the truth to try and appear normal when I feel anything but. I thank God for my loving, understanding husband, but how would my life be different if I could tell you this?

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

11.09.2010

what i wish. num 8.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #8:

~*~

I wish I could tell you...that everything is okay. That I'm fine. That I've never been better. That my marriage is incredible and as strong as ever. I wish I could say that our life is not what we expected but we love it anyway. I wish I could tell the man I married that after you moved out, I didn't cry. That I didn't go over the last few years of our life and wish I could change something...anything. That even after 3 months, the pain still stings like the first time you said you didn't love me and it wasn't worth it. I wish I could say that you tried these past few years to make our marriage stronger. I wish I could say you were honest with me and yourself. That you searched to make a better home life for our family and that our interest was the first on your list of priorities. I wish I could tell everyone that my husband is kind, generous, thoughtful, strong in his relationship with God and is the most amazing father to 2 beautiful children. But I can not. I wish I could tell the man I married 7 years ago that he is making the biggest mistake of his life. I wish I could tell him ,again, that marriage is never easy for anyone, not anyone...not even that adorable couple who sits a few pews in front of us at church week after week. That no ones marriage is perfect and without trial. That the commitment we made didn't just include times of sunshine and birds singing, but the dark and stormy times as well. No matter how long those storms may last. That if we stuck out the many storms of life together, we'd be made stronger. I wish I could tell you that he is strong and courageous, that he is the same man I married on that beautiful day in June. I wish I could tell him that if we stand strong for ourselves and for our children, that we will be made better...not only for ourselves, but for each other. That our love for one another would be made stronger and indestructible. I wish I could tell him that he is losing the most precious of all gifts for a sheer moment of gratification. That he is missing out on time with our children, who are not promised to us in this life forever. That each moment he is gone is another day lost. Another smile unobserved, kiss good-night lost, bedtime story unfinished and many "firsts", unseen. I wish I could tell him that our children will not be affected by his decision to leave. That they won't harbor harsh feelings of resentment to his decision for personal fulfillment. But I can not. No one can.

More than anything, I wish I could tell him...how much he is missed. How much he is loved. Even after the torment these last few months and years have been. That love doesn't just leave. That I gave my all and I would continue to give it...if he wanted it too. But I will tell you all, that my life has meaning. That I am strong. That my Heavenly Father has sent me here with a purpose and that I want to continue to find it and live it. That my children will be blessed because I will try to give them what they truly deserve. I will continue to fight and find my way. Make myself better not only for myself, but for my family. That I will continue the fight forward. That my life will go on and I will make the best of this terrible thing that has occurred. I don't know how long I will grieve...I gave my life and heart to a man, not just for this life, but for eternity. I committed not only in thought and in word...but in my heart too. This makes for a difficult recovery, but it can be done. If I have faith in God and in His plan for me, he will mend my broken heart and see the intents of my heart. He will make my family whole again. Somehow. That once this horrible storm settles, there will be beautiful rainbow. I pray I have the strength and courage to see it, to see my children and to see myself the way my Heavenly Father sees me.

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

11.03.2010

what i wish. num 7.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #7:

~*~

I wish you all would stop telling me to be thankful.

I know I should be thankful……for a job, a house, my family.

And I am thankful.

But what none of you, my family, admit is that you pressured me into taking the job, into moving into the house.

And now, I hate the job and the house, but anytime I have anything negative to say about either you just say, “You should be thankful."

And, I repeat, I AM THANKFUL.

I am so thankful to have a Savior. A Savior who has promised to be my Rock….a Savior who has told me to rest in Him….a Savior who simply says “Cast all of your cares upon Me.”

I am thankful that He has provided for me this year with this job and in this house.

But every day I question what would have been different if I had chosen the other options….the options you all talked me out of.

What would life be like if I were in San Francisco in school? Would I have found a job I love? Would I have new friends? Maybe even a boyfriend? What would my new church family be like? Missions focused instead of programs focused?

What if I had taken the job to teach kindergarten in Egypt? Would I have loved living there again as much as I had in the past? Would I have gotten to reach out more to the community I lived in? Would I finally become more fluent in Arabic?

What if I had taken the job at the small, private school? Would I even like teaching in a regular 5^th grade classroom? Would I still have the friends I left in that town?

But now, I am trying to quit asking the “what ifs” and focus on what I have.

A job: I may hate it, but the money I make easily meets my needs and allows me to help meet the needs of others

A house: Despite the constant water problems, both in the house & in the yard, that keep me from doing an actual full load of laundry, it is still a house to live in. It has heat to keep me warm & air for the hot days.

Friends: Although my friends live at least an hour and a half away & some half-way around the world, they are still there for me & technology has made it possible to talk to them almost every day.

Church: Even though I don’t always like the church I attend or always agree with some of the things they stand for, I am thankful that I can gather with other Christians without the fear of being severely persecuted for what I believe.

See, I am thankful.

“And we know that all things work together for good

for them that love God and are called according to His purpose”

Romans 8:28

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

11.02.2010

what i wish. num 6.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #6:

~*~
I wish that I could tell you that I have the most amazing relationship with my in-laws and that they love me. I married my husband over 11 years ago and we have been together 17 years in all. These people have known me for years but, yet never gotten to know me. I will admit that I wasn't always the best "christian" person and I may still not be, but then I am not perfect and I am trying. But I do want the respect and love from them like they give my children. And I must say that they have gotten better towards me since I had our first child, but I still don't feel like I belong. and is it wrong of me to feel like they should be not so much kissing my feet but showering me in love since I have given them the only grandchildren they will ever have? My brother in-law is in his 40's and has never been married and more than likely never will. And if it wasn't for the man who married my husband and I we may not even be together because he didn't want children at the time too. I feel like my husband thinks that I am crazy sometimes for thinking like they don't like me, but then I think that he knows but is too afraid to say anything. And I know that he has issues with my side of the family too, but then I always stick up for him. Is it crazy that I just want to be accepted for who I am? I am a stay at home mother of two and now I can add college student to my resume as well. I wish that people would get to know the real me, the me that would bend over backwards to do anything for them, the me that cries when I haven't talked to you in years or cries because I haven't talked to you in years. I want people to know that I can put my foot in my mouth at times and sometimes it is only me trying to make things better for others even if it destroys my friendship with you ( which has happen a lot). I also want you to know that I am a crafty type person and that I do love to make things from quilts to purses and everything in between. But I think if I could tell you all something else it would be this.. I am an Unhappy person with my life the way it is and I am sorry but I am trying to work through it. It has nothing to do with the people around me or in my life it is just a feeling I have had for years. I hate the way I look from my weight to my hair color. I guess that in closing I just want to feel like I am loved and that I belong.

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

10.30.2010

what i wish. num 5.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #5:

~*~
The Truth About Singleness: A Letter to God from a Longing Heart

Dear Love,
I'm figuring it out. And by it, I mean the dusty island that is my heart. A girl doesn't need to be taught how to recognize when a boy likes her. It's like there's an embedded honing device that measures the longer-than-necessary glances and million dollar smiles that are code for "you are the gravity that keeps me spinning." These automatic signals are picked up starting somewhere around the age when everything about a girl's physical self changes, and they are sent straight to her heart...where they are forever banked. And if a girl keeps her bank at least partially filled, her feminine heart and hope for a heart-rescuer remain intact. If, however, she ever finds her heart parched and her bank dehydrated, her "hope ticker" falls: Down, down, down.

I can't pretend forever that I am missing the honing device or the bank. I'm a girl. I also can't pretend that I am living in an ocean when my bank dried up a long time ago. At least, I can't pretend with you. Love, I have to tell you a secret. A long time ago, when I realized the throat of my heart was getting a little croaky with thirst, I shut down my hope bank. Yep, that's right. Just stuck some dynamite in the middle of the dry, cracked bank and watched it go up in smoke. It seemed safer, easier that way. Better to not sit in the dusty cave, waiting for a signal to be found while my heart shriveled some more. So I gave up. My hope bank closed. And I pulled on my boots and straightened my vest, determined to look the part of the proper banker. After all, who needs the building? Who needs? I certainly don't. Desires are the for the weak. No man needed here.

Love, I gave up on being chosen, being loved {in only the way a man can love a woman} a long time ago. And I'll have you know I lit the bank on fire myself. Granted, it was dry and went up like a twig in a forest fire, but I lit it. You see, I have another secret. I'm not who I want to give.

I guess I've just always dreamed of making a man smile to his toes. I don't want my hero-man to just be content. I want to be his Jesus-pointer, his partner for life, the beautiful girl on the cover of Brides magazine. There's only one problem: I'm not her. I'm ME. I'm complicated, emotional, less-than-gorgeous, and full of big dreams that no one, sometimes not even myself, want to carry or realize. I'm like the booby prize from the county fair. I buried my hopes because it's just safer. If I can't give away the ten day cruise to the Bahamas, I'm not gonna be giving away the half-alive goldfish, either. Not that anyone has been longing for the booby prize of ME, anyway.

Love, I've always dreamed of the very thing every girl dreams of: A man to love her and pursue her, a man to be the closest picture of Jesus she will ever hold, this side of heaven. Several heart-years ago, I noticed my prospects were non-existent, so I took myself off the market. I built walls around myself, pretending it didn't matter. "I'm strong!" I proclaimed. "I'm a fortress! I don't need a man! Heck, I don't even want a man! They have cooties, right?" Love, I've come to peace with the idea of you and I. Just me and Jesus, carrying His dreams in me. To Timbuktu with desire!

You just helped me realize something, though. Maybe I'm limiting you. Me, with all my crazy dreams. Because all I see when I look at ME is a giant fortress protecting a pile of rubble. Maybe you intend to tear the walls down so that the world can see what is blooming out of the ashes: A new hope only you could create. A new hope in God-given desire. Because maybe I am holding back someone's down-to-the-toes smiles. Maybe steady and gorgeous is not every man's dream. Maybe there is a man outside the fortress, waiting to be let in.

So, Love, here's my fearful plea, a sacrifice of the very guts of my soul: Heal my heart. If you want them, I'm giving you my bricks and mortar, my wall-building tools so that you can do something I've never dared try: Expose ME. Fair warning, though...the bricks are many, and they protect little but a pile of ashes. Can you make something grow where my hope bank once stood? If not, I'm content with just you, my Everything.

Yours,
Beloved

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

10.27.2010

what i wish. num 4.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #4:

~*~
To my mother,

I was born into a long line of women who have not known how to communicate. Because
none of us were taught how to communicate. When things got messy, you did the
most logical thing—you swept it under the rug. That did not mean that messy things
disappeared. They were just waiting to come out and make a bigger mess.

But when my husband and I decided to adopt a baby from a foreign land—a land where
no, the people do not look like us—that was when you decided to communicate. First,
by your silence. Then by voicing every single inappropriate and self-righteous argument
that could possibly have been made. Not once did you think of this baby. Not once
did you think of your relationship with the grandchildren you already had, and how that
might be threatened by your words and actions. And to me, perhaps most significantly,
you did not consider what this meant to our relationship as mother and daughter. Oh,
yeah—and you call yourself a Christian.

When we came home, and we walked down the steps in the airport with our new baby in
our arms, you weren’ t there. A few others were—people who had become our family by
choice, not the family we were born into. Once again, you wanted to sweep everything
under the rug and pretend that the entire previous year—the hurtful words that cannot be
taken back, the arguments that you made, the prejudices I believe you still have—did not
exist.

But because I do have a relationship with Christ, and believe in a loving and forgiving
God and because I honor Him above all else, I forgive you. I forgive you for MY
healing and my own well-being, not for yours. I hope that someday you realize that
only because I honor my God, I have chosen to continue a relationship with you. It is
hard, it is not what I would have chosen if I would not have gone through months of
struggling and leaning on my one True Parent—my heavenly Father. I realize now
that I can relate to my child, who was abandoned as a tiny baby in a faraway country
because of circumstances we can’ t even imagine. I can relate to my child because I too
was abandoned by my parents. I hope and pray that I can help my child find the same
healing that I continue to find in Christ. However, I also offer my child the promise of
unconditional love and the safe and secure knowledge that my child will NEVER be
abandoned by me.

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

10.26.2010

what i wish. num 3.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #3:

~*~
I wish you knew how difficult it is to be the wife of a minister. I love that my husband serves with all of himself but at times I would love to be able to tell people, "enough, he is mine and I would like some time with him over dinner when the phone doesn't ring and he is out the door to be with you instead of us."

I wish you knew that I just want a friend, someone to talk to honestly that I can trust won't go and tell others, or judge me for not being the "perfect" Christian wife. I wish you knew how hard it is for our family to set boundaries for ourselves to keep God first and next our family, before our service to you. I wish you knew how we have to constantly remind ourselves that we weren't called to please people, but to please God alone. Sorry it upsets you that we aren't having this event, or singing that song but we really do feel like "this" is where God has called us to lead you.

I would love to feel comfortable just being me. I don't blame this all on you, I know I need to be accountable only to God and not to who you think I am or should be. I'm reminding you that we are just like you; sinners saved by grace, over and over again. Is it to much to ask of you to remind me of that too? Could you tell me you know how I feel when I can't seem to get my kids to obey and get in the car. The look of disapproval is just to much for me today. I'm not a fan of the way they are acting either but I don't always have the answers either.

This may be shocking to you but my husband and I would LOVE for you to invite us over for a beer and smores by your fire pit like you do all of the other couples in the church. He loves the movie The Big Lebowski, I read things other than the Bible, and it would be awesome if we could just feel like normal people when we tell you that.

I guess I just wish you knew that I'm just like you. My husband would love to have biscuits and gravy for dinner but I don't care; I hate biscuits and gravy so we aren't having them. Unfortunately I yell at my kids sometimes. I love to sing Hillsong at the top of my lungs. I curse. I am brought to immense emotion when I grasp even a little bit of what grace really is. Sometimes I would love to quit. Sometimes I think I have it all figured out. I love my kids more than I ever thought I could. I thought our family was going to fall a part two years ago, but you would have never known it. I eat to much ice cream. I love my husband more today than any day before but I have a very difficult time telling him that. Don't you?

~Anonymous

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

10.25.2010

what i wish. num 2.

I have several in the series lined up ready to go...what is amazing to me is how I can relate to so many, including today's, and at the end of the day, I really believe that the simple act of knowing you are not alone can go a long way to healing in itself.

The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous. Say hello to anon #2:

~*~

You have no idea how close you are coming to becoming our father. You treat your beautiful wife horribly, expecting her to do everything for you despite her being in a wheelchair. Your daughter doesn't know the true love of a good, healthy father/daughter relationship. If you continue to go down this route, you WILL lose your family and die sad and alone like he did. There is nothing in this world more important than the relationships you have with your wife & child, don't continue the cycle & ruin this. Swallow your pride, seek out help, accept that while you may be his son that you DON'T have to become him.

~*~

Want a turn to share? Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.

Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.

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