why home is important to me.

sorry folks.  this is one of THOSE posts.
where i spill my heart out and either it repulses you or it makes you love me more.
so you have been warned. 
the good news is that i have some CUTE posts coming in the next few days  so hang in there ok?

so can i tell you that i am worn out from this selling a house stuff.
we keep our house super neat so it can be cleaned quickly.
we have BOXES of our stuff in the attic.
the exhilaration of having a showing. 
and the let down that follows when they choose somewhere else.

the last people to see it actually made an offer.  we countered and then the husband wanted to see it.
the wife had made an offer WITHOUT her husband seeing it. WHAT?!?!
he did not love it as much as she did.
we are pretty sure it is because we live in a racially mixed neighborhood. 
which doesn't bother us one bit but was enough to convice this would be seller that his work equipment would be stolen out of his car.
he said this to me.
terrible. TERRIBLE.

so we wait a little longer.  and hold fast to hope that we will be moving soon.
the bittersweet part is that in this journey i have have the joy and honor of praying for others in the same situation...living in a city/town/country that is not home and counting the days until they get to return.  so many of you have emailed me to share your story...and i love you for it.  the bittersweet part is that others prayers are being answered.  i have lost count of how many people are well on their way home...or are already there.  and i am SO happy for them.  truly. 
and with each one i pray "my turn next Lord?".

some people still don't get it.  WHY is a place SO important to us?  to me, maybe even more so.

i'm a little nervous to talk about this next part...but here goes. 

you may notice that i never mention my family on here.  of course there is doug and my boys and my wonderful amazing in-laws who ARE my family.

i'm talking about my parents and siblings.  and everyone connected to them.
the bottom line is that i don't have them anymore.  not now nor in the foreseeable future.

for reasons that i won't go into here...a year ago in march i was forced to make a choice between my real family (doug and my boys) and the people i happen to share blood with. 
it was not an easy choice.  it was not fun.  it was hard and covered with a lot of prayer.  it still is.

some will say that family is forever.  that that is the only source of unconditional love...like somehow sharing DNA will ensure acceptance, love of the unconditional variety and a relationship.

i disagree.  acceptance is a choice.
unconditional love is an action you CHOOSE. 
relationships are a choice.

as a result of the choice to move forward without any contact from my parents...almost all family followed suit.  i'm pretty much an orphan. there are a tiny few who still talk to me.  most are not "allowed".  many, i think, cannot comprehend my choice...see reasoning above.  i still love them all and miss them.  but i've had to make a choice that i feel protects myself and my family.  and for the record doug totally supports this choice.

the point?  blacksburg has family.  and friends that ARE family.  and it takes us closer to other family.
i want my kids to grow up near their aunts and uncles and aunts and uncles in law (hi amy!) and cousins.
i want them to have memories of their family in their life.  i want those relationships for them that will keep them accountable.

i want to be part of a community that knows my children and keeps them in line when i'm not looking.
i want an endless supply of people i can trust with my kids.

i want dinner parties and cookouts.  and real, deep friends for crying out loud.  i want people who can look at me and know that i am not ok.  

blacksburg has what we don't have here.

and i am totally believing that God is going to take us there.  some great way.  some great how.

but some days my heart is heavier than others.
the days that i want those things for my kids and us.

i know and believe our prayers will be answered. 

some days are just harder to wait through than others.

xo

the rest of the story.

so, as you know, we've been on a ride for months now.  starting back in September or so we began the road that we hope will take us home...and here we are months later...pretty much on the same stretch of road...we keep getting flat tires it seems.    

for the most part, i've been hush about the details because i felt like i just couldn't share it all.  if you have been here a while you've been with me through all the emotional ups and downs.  for a while now, we thought that something pretty amazing was happening for us.  at the moment, it looks like that door may be closing...but for all we know that is temporary or not.  we just don't know. 

so even though the ending is not what we were hoping for (yet?)...i'll share some of the ups and downs..see if you can keep up. 

september through present day...

  -(sept) we suddenly feel like we are overwhelming ready to go home (blacksburg).   it's a serious longing to be HOME.  where our friends are, where our church is, where our family is.  

it's where we feel we are supposed to be. 

-we start to seriously pray for our house to sell.  

doug prays for someone to come in off the streets to buy it. 

-doug pokes around at work and somehow finds out that there will be an opening in a store near where we want to live (doug is a target exec).  we get majorly excited...thinking, "WOW God is moving fast and is going to take us home and it will be awesome"

-then HEARTBREAK.  the job goes to someone else.  my husband gets to see a lot of the ugly cry. 

-we eventually pull ourselves together and resolve to follow God wherever He decides to send us.  even if WE don't get it or want it.  we KNEW that God's plan IS best.  even if we don't understand it.  

-eventually doug is offered another position in a town close enough that he can commute (culpeper).  we begin to embrace this new road.  to a NEW place.  a change to get us AWAY from charlottesville.  

-in the meantime, we've talked to a realtor who basically tells us that if we insist on selling our home at a number WE are comfortable with, then we have to pay him a $1,500 listing fee.  WHATEVER! it was EASY to let that door close. 

-in the mean-meantime, shortly after this realtor meeting, one of doug's coworkers, out of the blue (or off the street!!) shows a huge interest in buying our house.  for a number that makes us and him happy.  -the position from culpeper falls through.  once again, the ugly cry.  i hate this place.  i want to leave and at this point i will go anywhere God wants to send us...even if i still want to go HOME. 

-doug is offered another position.  in a city that will depend on us selling this house.  we once again, work towards going where God is sending us.  dare i say, we get excited.  

-the person that is trying to buy our house is told that they would qualify for a loan once they have been in their position for 12 months.  that would be in july.  boo!  

-buyer offers to rent our home until then with a rent to own contract!! yay! 

-doug loses the chance for the winchester position.  but we are OK with it because somehow we know that God has a better plan.  are we getting better at this obedience thing?     

-buyer can't get their child in the childcare that they want until august...meaning they can't move until then.  boo!

-i offer to provide childcare for them until august.  yay!

we would move to a house with a month to month lease. 

but to date we have not been able to get together to discuss this option.  so we aren't sure what will happen with this...so maybe this door is closing...or maybe it is not.  we have left it in their hands. 

there are a lot of reasons that i stopped talking about all of this on my blog.  a lot of it had to do with the feedback i was getting from all over via email or comment.  i've been accused of giving up.  of not trying.  of being a whiner.  i've been told that my expectations are too high for this side of heaven.  i've been told that i must be crazy because cville is awesome.  i've been told that i am ungrateful.  i've been told that I am the problem.

 

i gave up talking about it openly here because i have already been emotionally crazy sensitive because of everything and i didn't need the berating of people who don't know and love me.   

the only people i've felt safe talking about any and all of this with is my husband, my best friend and my pastor.  not the pastor at the church we currently attend (the one who is a good guy but has introduced himself to me three times) but MY pastor who has been pastoring us from afar at HOME. 
(with that said, our current pastor is not a bad guy, we enjoy his sermons, and our current church but we have a longing for the standards that were set for years by our home church and pastor...notably big shoes to fill...it's hard to go from having a pastor that knows everything about you to where we are now).

these last few months have been hard.  really, really hard.  it's been lonely and long as people have walked away from us because we've been messy.  we have been shown the people who really love us (mess and all), both here in cville and everywhere.  

we've learned that God is the only one who will never let us down. 

i've learned that my heart is so enmeshed with His that to deny Him would truly end my life.  

i am learning to trust His plan more everyday.  

i am trusting that it is His dream for us to MOVE home because the "want" to do so is stronger than anything else we have ever wanted.  

i've learned that my husband still loves me even after many days in a row of seeing the "ugly cry".

i am learning to live in the day.  learning.  

i am learning to count my blessings.  daily.

i am learning that my timing is not His.  

i am learning that His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways higher than my ways. 

so that is the rest of the story...at least up until 9:12pm on march 27, 2011.

we don't know anymore than we did in september but we ARE better followers of Christ because of it.  we pray more than ever...we talk to Him more than ever...we cherish our TRUE friends more than ever.   God has used this time to sift out the "flakers" in our life.

i still break out the ugly cry once a week.  to the joy of my husband. 

but i would like to think that it's due more to growing pains of the spiritual sort than to not getting what i think is best. 

xo

no really, i'm not crazy.

 

(image via MaryKateMcDevitt)

i've been busy.  we don't have news yet...but you can pray for saturday at 4pm if you like. 

while i'm still not ready to spill the details i will tell you some of the things i have done in the last week or so...

in no particular order:

painted moses' room

painted all the trim in the house

painted five doors

i mean six

patched a hole in drywall

and painted it

painted the attic door

replaced the pull on the attic door

re-glued a piece of trim

deep cleaned the fridge

and the dishwasher

and the washer

and dryer

re-caulked the tub

fixed a blemish in the porcelain sink

organized the pantry

the entertainment center

the linen closet

my craft closet

moses' closet

doug's closet

aaron's closet

cleaned up the patio

touched up paint in both bathrooms

and my room

and moses' room

and aaron's room

painted the railing upstairs and down

re-upholstered two chairs

kept up with custom orders

and made dinner most nights

and a dessert for doug to take to work monday.

and took moses to school

and wend to church

and did 90% of our taxes

and prayed

a lot

i'm sure i'm forgetting something.

and tomorrow i will be up to my elbows in cleaning products.

this time tomorrow my house will be perfect. 

no really.

and then i need to take my kids somewhere so it stays that way for as long as it needs to.

and the very best part is that no matter what happens.  we will be ok.  either something awesome will happen...or my house will be in the best shape that it has been in the four years we have lived here.

and spring is only 58 days away.  

awesome.

working. thinking. pondering.

 well the short story is that the realtor assessed our home at a pretty good price (which we like) but then he recommended that we sell it at a significantly less price (which we are not a fan of).  

so we are trying to decide what to do from here...do we scrap the idea and just resolve to live here for another six months, year, two years? and do all the projects that we would love to do here.  do we list it for sale at the price we would want to get for it?

it seems like an enormous decision...that i don't feel at all qualified to make.  but the good news is, that either way, i feel ok about it.  whichever decision we make will be a good one.  but as i have told my husband, moving, at this point, would be a lot less work, and maybe cheaper too...because i have big plans for making this house work its hardest for us.  

so we shall see...

in the mean time, i am working away on some new things for the shop...a couple of wreaths, a cute canvas and some red fur valentine hoho's.  :)

we are just praying for God's will to become apparent to us...and we are asking a lot of questions to everyone we know...like, do you owe a realtor money if your house doesn't sell?  how hard is it to install a new backyard fence? (eric you want to come down for a weekend to help with that one? :) how hard is tile to lay?  etc...

more waiting and pondering...but this time with a lot less emotion attached. :)

pins and needles.

so.  the realtor had great things to say about our house.  there were times where he was SPEECHLESS about how organized we i am.  he didn't have many things he wanted us to change.  he suggested to touch up paint here or there and paint moses' room.  all things we were going to do anyway.  

he loved our paint colors.  suggested we leave up some family photos and continue our de-cluttering.

and the pins and needles part. 

he is supposed to call or email us by Friday to give us the number that we could/should list our house at.  we are praying for either a number that we are *very* comfortable with...or one so terrible that we know God wants us to stay put.  this is how we are leaving it in His hands.  we have done all we can do and now we are waiting for God's will to be done. 

and while i am anxious to know what the realtor says...i am completely at peace about not having control over the situation.  and now we wait to see what God's plan is.  

will you pray for us?  

*my* desire is to sell at a number nice enough and have something extra to tuck away.  

and there are some really cute rental homes that are directly behind where Doug works. 

just saying...

:) 

input please.

some thoughts are spending a lot of time in my head. 

num. 1:

we are meeting with a realtor tomorrow to discuss putting our house on the market to sell.  we are hoping and praying for a successful sale and to find a bigger, and cheaper, place to rent to increase our flexibility in the future for job stuff for Doug.

1. will you pray for us? 

2.  do you have any really great hints about selling a house?  anything to avoid?

num. 2:

i am thinking A LOT about what i want my business to look like in 2011.  i am continually blown away and grateful that i am able to do what i love (sew) while i do what i love (be with my kids).  for the first time ever i am thinking long and hard about "opening the doors" again.  do i really want to? do i need to? can i while i am selling this house where the dining room IS my craft room? 

any thoughts on that?   

and num. 3:

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