Choose the ending.

Can I be perfectly honest here?

I am wading through some really ugly emotions.  Anger, hopelessness, impatience...Yucky, draining, heavy things that are just trying their best to drag me to the bottom of some emotional abyss that could take me months to pull myself out of.

I'm tired of worrying about how others will feel about me still being "in the feels" about some things.  I am weighed down by the lies told about me and others and it eats at me.  I am tired of being told to get over it, to move on, to be patient.  Not that those aren't right things, but I am tired of being pried from my emotions as though they are something wrong with me.  My yearning is for things to be made right, genuinely for the health of myself AND OTHERS. (only recently could I add those last two words).  

I was told a couple of years ago now that "God doesn't change His mind" (which is full on crap) about things.  At this particular time this person was referring to me leaving a church.  Now, it seems, that only applies to me.  Because apparently God changes His mind about everything else.  He has changed His mind about a destiny, about a future, about leadership, about living arrangements, about any number of things that have now been deemed too much of a "hardship".

I'm also tired of cowardly behavior from people who should know better.  I'm tired of waiting for justice and redemption.  I'm exceedingly tired of people not willing to listen or hear truth.  Any fool who bases an opinion on someone based solely on words from someone's mouth is a fool indeed.  Any leader who bans adults from speaking to other adults is a coward.  A keeper of secrets is a keeper of deception.  Control and fear should never lead the way.  Transparency and honesty are needed cornerstones of any healthy life or business.   

Learning to be like Jesus and take hits on the chin is exhausting work.  But I am surrounded by beautiful people doing it every day.  People who, in the face of ugly words spoken about them still reach their hand out to love.  I am learning from them.  They are stretching me.  But it is not fun.  I am desperate to reach out and beg for truth to be spoken, yet have not felt released to do so.  I am once again hearing Him telling me to "wait". 

I have learned a hard lesson these past two years, truly loving others in the face of spewed hatred is hard work.  It does not come naturally or easily, it has to be a choice we make each and every moment of our daily existence.

We have to CHOOSE the character we 
want and not the flesh that we feel!    

I've been unfortunate enough to learn that we can expect bad behavior from anyone at anytime.  Our only recourse, our best defense, our only source of hope is to go into battle knowing who WE want to be at the end of the day.  

Decide the outcome first and go forward second.  

What do we want to go sleep at night with? A clear conscience or an aggravated soul?  

In the meantime I wait.  Willing to speak truth openly and honestly, knowing that my character has led my way, even in my exhaustion, even at my lowest point.  I have no story to keep straight and my conscience is clear. 

So I'll keep taking it in the chin as long as I am told to do so and loving each soul in my path until He makes it right again. 

{edited to add that "I" should really be "we" since there are hundreds of us in this walk together, similar hearts and feelings and hardships}

{While you are here anyway, take a minute to read and enter to win $1oo from Pronamel!}

1 comment:

falcondalelife said...

Hi there, I've only recently found your blog but I just wanted to say it seems to me that you have got this very straight in your mind, you've seen through the crap, you've identified your attackers, you've sorted fact from fiction, it's just clearly very hard to STAND. I'm thinking Ephesians 6 v10-18. All the best to you. And by the way, when people feel led to leave a church this is a really healthy thing. If no-one ever changed churches, we wouldn't be one church, we'd be lots of different ones.
I really need to pull my finger out and blog about my faith too, it's great that you do it, it encourages me, I think it may be more common on your side of the pond.

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