Searching for God in random lovely things {and ugly ones too}.

Overwhelming.  Tiring.  Exhausting.  That's how I would describe life lately.  I seem to be followed around by a long to-do list that never gets any shorter.  I've had to make a lot of choices lately, in the moment about how my attitude will surface.  Joy and gratitude are surely choices and not necessarily naturally occurring states of mind.   At least not for me.  I'm steadily looking for little dots of God in my life, beauty in the chaos if you will.  Sometimes He is hidden in succulents. 
 Or out in the garden as seeds poke through the ground. 
Or in rain that is finally rain and NOT snow. 
Sometimes He is in boxes sent out to unexpected recipients.  
Or having fun with my boys and their favorite pastime.  
 Sometimes He is in how we treat strangers at yardsales. 
Or in quiet Saturday morning projects.  
He is surely in Aaron finally having a diagnosis (strep A) after being sick for over a month and a half. 
And again there, in a little thrift store, this time in the shape of Dala horse.

He is always there.  Sometimes we choose not to look.  We cover our eyes and scream about how alone we are but that alone-ness is a choice.

As we approach Mother's Day, a holiday riddled with pain for me, I'm once again dealing with old scars.  We watched a video on Sunday that started with this quote:

"Sometimes someone hurts you so bad, it stops hurting at all. Until something makes you feel again, and then it all comes back: every word, every hurt, every moment."

And I thought. YES!  I've included the video below, mostly for my own safe keeping.  I've never witnessed a more accurate description of how I remember my childhood.  I've never been able to describe it as accurately, or poignantly as it is portrayed here.  Only I was never saved.  

And I have forgiven, forgiveness isn't the issue.  Forgiveness doesn't instantly remove the pain of reality it just makes it easier to walk through it.

And now I seek Him even here.  Looking, searching, peeking around trying to find His fingerprints in the reoccurring pain, knowing full well that He never wastes an ounce of it. 



3 comments:

Tanna Nye said...

Wow! Tears.... im not sure how you could sit through that video with it hitting so close to home for you. I'm so glad you are choosing to change your environment and not repeat the cycle. That takes so much strength.

The story you are sharing here and through your work is amazing and inspiring.

I pray you continue to heal and move forward. Everyone deserves to feel lovable.

dara miller said...

I love you! I have the same scars but praise be to GOD he is always with me. Love your little blog and your sweet family.

Happy day!

Andrea said...

You inspire me.

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