on being a hot mess.

Can we have an honest conversation here?

I am a hot mess.  Pretty much 99% of the time.  On any given day you can find me wondering why in the world my husband would ever choose a crazy girl like me?  Why not a nice, simple girl whose parents come to visit on Sundays?  Or one who has a normal history and a past that is less stapled together with pain and errors?  {if you need more on that you can go HERE or HERE}. 

The holidays are creeping up on us at warp speed and to me that means a dose of the usual. 

The mourning, the pain, the regret, the empty room in my heart that should be adorned as a beloved daughter.

God has been working.  And as usual, He is working in His own time and pace.  Which, since we are being honest here, is painfully slow in comparison to how I would like Him to work.

Let's be clear now, I am so thankful that He is working, that He loves me so much that He will never get me to a point where He says "good enough".   He has done so much redemption in my life that if He did stop where He is now I could not utter a complaint in good conscience but it's good to know that point will never come. 

It's just in my human-ness I'm like "let's roll up our sleeves and get to work here, let's paint and buy furniture and rearrange and hang curtains and getthisthingdone!!!".

Aren't we all like that?  I'm a little 50/50 here.  The fact that He is working so carefully and diligently on this issue so close to my heart makes me hopeful for what He has in store for me, because I know that it will be the best.  The other 50% feels like the same hollow place I've always been and the coldness of that place sometimes, in my weakness, makes me wonder if His love will burn hot enough to warm me to the core again.  Will I ever feel like a loved daughter?  

I have no memories of being mothered.  My brother was born when I was five and when you live with an alcoholic, you become the mother a lot of the time.  I have no memories of feeling loved, of being thought of like a daughter should be so it's ironic to me that I should even long for such a thing.

But the truth is this, my most often felt negative feeling is loneliness.  A hollowness where the love of a parent should be.  Nearly every other role in my life is fulfilled, full of love and gushing with hope and people who are amazing.  I AM a mother and wife and a friend.  I get to be a sister to those God has chosen for me.  Every area of my life that I can work at, I do, with all my heart, but many days the weight of the empty place is the hardest to carry.  The quietest part of my heart is the loudest.  

So that's where I am this Sunday afternoon.  I have a few more thoughts on the matter but those are being drowned out at the moment by a boy pounding on a typewriter.  I just had one of those feelings that maybe you needed to hear that someone else was waiting on God to act on their behalf today.

And that is a tough place to live.  Hoping one moment, mourning the next, anticipating for a few moments then regretting the next.  It's a roller coaster for sure, but I can't wait to read this one day and see what new place He has brought me to.  

Hang in there, keep praying, and keep on to Him.  He has the answers and He knows the path, even if, at times, it feels like it is moving at a painfully slow pace.



Anonymous said...

Crystal, you are wonderful and awesome and a blessing. And my heart aches for you. I want to hug you and thank for sharing your heart here.
My niece just turned 17 the other day. Her mother is an alcoholic. Years ago she told my niece she didn't want to be her mother anymore. But she continued to 'mother' her other daughters. My sister and brother in law have raised this girl, whose heart was broken. No matter how much loving they put on her, the validation and support of all those around her, that emptiness in her heart never fills. Every year she waits for a birthday call, a holiday card. But it never comes. It's devastating.
I am so sorry for your pain. I'm so sorry that any child ever has to know that pain. And that the healing is so difficult
I holding you and my niece close in my heart, praying for healing and discernment. You are both a blessing to so many. xox Paula

Unknown said...

Aww friend wish I was there to give you a hug. I pray that, the emptiness you feel is filled GOD is not done working in you.
Psalms 27:10 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.
This verse comes to my head after reading this. I hope it helps. Love you friend.

liz said...

Thanks for sharing how you are feeling. I'm sorry times re tough. I was a miniature adult when my Dad was drinking heavily and my mom was out in the evenings cleaning offices. waaay too much responsibility at waaay too young an age. sounds like we have that in common. I don't have any words of wisdom, but want you to know I understand at least some of what you experienced. Hugs to you!

Jen said...

Hugs, friend. I don't know the details nor what it feels like to have gone through what you've experienced, but I know the pain of not having a whole genuine love of a parent. My dad had an affair when I was 14. My whole world was in devastation. My mom suffered depression for years (sometimes it still creeps in) and has never been the same. She loves me and I hold no bitterness toward her, but in some ways she isn't the mother. My dad finally married, his wife just 8 years older than me. There was a lot of pain for a long time and it threatens to creep back in sometimes when it feels like he just replaced his family with a new one. He shows his love with financial support and expensive gifts, but that's all. I don't know what it feels like to be a daddy's girl and most days I just don't think about it because it's too painful. Almost 18 years into my "new" reality, one thing I know, though. "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28.
God has used the circumstances of your life, the pain and lack of love and every detail, to mold you into the woman you are. He will continue to use even today's pain and seemingly slow progress to bring about good in your life. I am so grateful that the Lord brought beauty from ashes when He brought my mom, my sister, and me to salvation in Christ Jesus after my dad left. Sometimes I am brought to tears at the reminder that I do have a daddy who loves and adores me better than my earthly father ever could. I know you are grateful for our Abba as well. I'm praying for you today, that He will restore joy to you and that His will in heaven for no more tears will be loosed today on earth as He brings you comfort, reminds you of His great love for you, and blesses you with your precious family. Love you sister!

Melissa N. said...

sending virtual hugs...hang in there...it will pass...brighter days ahead!

Jackie said...

He is enough and you can have your fill.
You post seems like a tough place to be. I hope that this season God will show you that as his daughter you are more loved than you can ever know and help fill in that void. Also, it makes me hope that I will make sure that my own daughter never knows what that is like...as she sits next to me playing with a ruler and her favorite blanket wearing her Cinderella costume over her clothes.

Charming Lucy said...

I saw your IG post today and I have been looking for a free minute to read this. My husband and I both come from broken homes - he was also raised by a single alcoholic parent. I have dealt with a broken relationship with my only sibling and ten years of infertility. Our family knows that life just isn't fair. BUT - there is nothing that God can't handle for us. We have to remember to keep our eyes on the prize. "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus". God is big enough to handle it all and our job is stay focused on His plans for us. Thank you for this post and thank you for providing my kiddo with a Hoho addiction - she now has nine I think;) She loves them(: Blessings my friend! Susan

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