i am awesome?

So recently I've entered into what I feel is another growing period in life. 

I don't know why I thought I could be "good" for a while.  Like somehow I could shoo God off to tend to someone more "needy" than myself but I was seriously like "Lord, I just went through FIVE years of tough, hard, difficult growth.  Can't I be "done" for just a bit?".

Apparently that answer is "no, not even close".  He loves us too much for that.   

The good news is that, for me at least, once you get to a certain point of your relationship with Christ you can know more what to look for, where to look for it, what to ask, who to ask, etc.  Once you accept the reality that God is trying to do a work in you, half the work is done.  But then the hard part starts.  

It took me a bit of time to get to that reality.  "OK Lord, I see you are trying to do something here {even if I really don't want you to}, help me to see what you see".

And wouldn't you know.  He starts to talk to you.  

If you've been here for sometime, you know my past, my history, my struggles.  The good news is that I am past 95% of that.  I accept reality, I no longer pin any hope on change in certain areas but instead live in the truth that I feel has been spoken to me about certain situations. 

Here is what I am struggling with.  And it is simultaneously difficult and embarrassing to say out loud but you've heard me say before, I believe the enemy uses quiet and secret as one of his main tools of destruction.  Sharing our deepest pains and struggles with fellow believers removes so much of their strength.  

So here is my struggle, my internal issue if you will:  if I am not "good enough" for my family (beyond Doug and the boys) to want to grow and change for and be in a relationship with, than who could possibly think I am good enough to love?  And why don't I have family that loves me?  Why do I have to be alone and do without the comforts of family". 

Sounds way lame right?  But when you have suffered severe emotional injury at the hands of others, you begin to believe lies that they tell you with their words and actions.  And when you hear them year after year after long year of your life they become the truth.  Almost indistinguishable from actual truth.   

Never once in my life have I lived as a confident, lovable, awesome woman.   Not today, not yesterday, not ever for a moment. 

I am awesome??? Pfffff.  No way.  I could never bring myself to say that out loud.  Ask me to describe myself now and I'd say something along the lines of "I'm OK.  I'm a good person, or at least I try to be.  I do my best most of the time but I still fall short of being lovable and awesome or worthy of anyones time."

And I am (a tiny part of me) only just now (like within the last couple of days) beginning to wonder if that is a lie. 

The crazy part to me, is that I have no problem showering praise on those I love and care about.  I can see the good in others, the joy, the strength, the admirable qualities, their lust for life abundantly.  I can look past any "flaw" a friend sees in themselves and see enough good to move mountains.  I see deep loving hearts, amazing talent and awesome women.  For sure!

And then I look inward.  And it's like my friend is standing on one side and I on the other.  Her side is bright and beautiful.  Rainbows and birds, color and creation.  Then there is a line and I am on the other.  Bleak and cold, black and white.

Am I awesome?  Pffff.  NO WAY. 

So that is a picture of my struggle.  Of my current battle.  I'm learning that I need to replace my internal dialog with TRUTH so I am no longer ensnared in lies. 

Because the truth is, even if I can't feel it and believe it just yet, is that I am awesome because God created me.  I wasn't manufactured or mass produced.  I didn't just appear in a long line of others.  He took His time with me, created me just as I am with the qualities He saw fit.  He loves me and thinks I am pretty amazing.  He is just as proud, no prouder, of me as I am of my boys.  His love is perfect.  And though His path for me has left me an "orphan" I don't have to live as thought I don't have family that loves me or my boys.  He has surrounded me with true family.  Family that loves unconditionally with open hearts and a mind for His plan.  I am accepted and needed.

I am on integral part of His plan.    

So for now I mumble truth meekly.  For (irrational) fear I may be struck down when I speak it.

i am awesome.

And you know what? Maybe you need to know that, too.  Shall we walk this road together?

19 comments:

SoozeM said...

What a brave post, thank you for sharing it! I think we all have an amount of self doubt, some more than others perhaps, but I know I can certainly relate! Oh and you ARE awesome!! :)

weewhimsicals said...

Wow. Powerful, truthful, heartfelt, humbling. Thank you for sharing your struggles. That is not an easy thing to do. But such a gift for those who are blessed to read. You are awesome ans you are not alone. I know I can relate touch of what you write and do believe that the devil uses those quiet thoughts in our head. I have struggled with worry this week. And holding my breath. But beautiful sisters in Christ (such as beautiful you) remind me to exhale and lift my worries to Gid. He loves us unconditionally and is there with us every step if the way. So you just keep on keeping on, knowing this as truth and sharing your love like you do. You have a great big family whose lives you bless every single day.
Paula@weewhimsicals xoxox

jdt_1583 said...

Oh girl. You are beyond awesome!! You may feel orphaned on this earthly plane but you have the best Father- as you know ;-). I hope you can begin to shout it soon, not just whisper that you are worthy. You are loved, valued, cherished and bring such joy and inspiration to others. I have so enjoyed following your IG feed and blog these last few months. You definitely inspire me to be better!! If you want a sister here, I volunteer lol.

K Mitchell said...

Crystal, you have a beautiful way of expressing yourself. Your faith is a testament & I am so grateful to get to read your blog and have God speak to my heart through you words. I am struggling with family issues of my own. In my own way. A brother that hasn't spoken to me in over 3 yrs and has become best friends with my exhusband. I have tried to mend fences for nothing other than my nieces and my nephew, but he & his wife have made no attempt. They have never seen my 5 month old. I wonder why I am not good enough. Why my ex and his family and new daughters are is perhaps 'better' than me & my sweet girls. What did I do that was so wrong? Years of over examination. I appreciate your honesty and am praying for you.
Kate
@smiley_soleil

K Mitchell said...

Crystal, I love reading your blog. Although my story doesn't have the same background I am having some family struggles as well. I have a brother who decided after a disagreement over 3 years ago that he would not attend my wedding and wouldn't allow his wife or my 2 nieces and nephew to attend either. It was heart breaking.
Your walk with the Lord inspires me. I am grateful to read your words and it is as if God uses you to touch my heart and revive my faith. Each. And. Every. Time. Your vulnerability has given me insight into my own beliefs. I am learning to rely more on God. I understand that whole thought process and internal struggle. I have a similar one.
After my brother stopped speaking to me, he chose to become "best buddies" with my ex-husband and his new wife and their twins are now his "nieces." He hasn't seen my 2 new children. My ex also uses this in arguments with me and it can be quite hurtful. My sons (from my previous marriage) comment on how they've seen my brother over holidays and birthdays at their dad's house and I try not to let it bother me, but he is my only living sibling. Why am I not good enough for him? When I prayerfully ask myself this question God reveals to me the answers I seek. My pride gets in the way and wants it to be my way in my time. Even after my failed attempts to reconcile and forgive. I hold you up in prayer and ask God to show you just how awesome you are and it is my sincere hope that you will one day come to believe it. Louder and larger than the small type in which you type it. HUGS
Kate
@smiley_soleil

K Mitchell said...

Crystal, I love reading your blog. Although my story doesn't have the same background I am having some family struggles as well. I have a brother who decided after a disagreement over 3 years ago that he would not attend my wedding and wouldn't allow his wife or my 2 nieces and nephew to attend either. It was heart breaking.
Your walk with the Lord inspires me. I am grateful to read your words and it is as if God uses you to touch my heart and revive my faith. Each. And. Every. Time. Your vulnerability has given me insight into my own beliefs. I am learning to rely more on God. I understand that whole thought process and internal struggle. I have a similar one.
After my brother stopped speaking to me, he chose to become "best buddies" with my ex-husband and his new wife and their twins are now his "nieces." He hasn't seen my 2 new children. My ex also uses this in arguments with me and it can be quite hurtful. My sons (from my previous marriage) comment on how they've seen my brother over holidays and birthdays at their dad's house and I try not to let it bother me, but he is my only living sibling. Why am I not good enough for him? When I prayerfully ask myself this question God reveals to me the answers I seek. My pride gets in the way and wants it to be my way in my time. Even after my failed attempts to reconcile and forgive. I hold you up in prayer and ask God to show you just how awesome you are and it is my sincere hope that you will one day come to believe it. Louder and larger than the small type in which you type it. HUGS
Kate
@smiley_soleil

Amber said...

Thank you for writing this! I am struggling with this right now as well. Changes going on in my life, kids growing up, wondering what my point in life is and wondering if I am really good at anything at all. Me, awesome? No way. Making it through the day? Sure. Please pray for me as I will be praying for you!

p.s. I was thinking about your blueberry buckle the other day and sitting in your sunny front room. I miss you and you family!

Amber said...

Thank you for writing this! I am struggling with this right now as well. Changes happening, kids growing up, wondering if I'm really good at anything at all. Please pray for me as I will be praying for you!

p.s. I was thinking about your Blueberry Buckle and sitting in your sunny front room the other day. I miss you and your family!

Happy Hodge Podge said...

emotional twins, you and I.
BTW, you ARE awesome!

Happy Hodge Podge said...

emotional twins, you and I.
BTW, you ARE awesome!

gina said...

YOU are awesome!!!


...and so am I =)

Kristina said...

Only you have the power to overcome the obstacles that you were faced with as a child. I come from a very disfunctional relationship with my mother and it still is. I will never have that love, kindness and encouragement from her that I long for. But I believe that God put me through all of that to make me a better person, wife, friend, aunt, etc. It's a constant struggle... but I see that his plan is better than mine. Keep your chin up! You ARE awesome! xo

tigerchick said...

Crystal, I wish I could say something wise and helpful,but I probably cannot on the fly. It has been my observation that most women I know are blessed in some areas of their life and yet are lacking in other areas. "Areas" might be career, children, marriage, spiritual life, friendships, nuclear family you were born in to, etc. Very few people , if any, have it great across the board in all these areas. I know the areas I feel blessed in and I know the ones I feel lacking in. I try to grow in all of these , but I also try to just praise God for the blessings and realize there are some areas of pain or lack. When I think of you, I think these things, in no particular order:very intelligent, sensitive (in a good way), extremely organized, extremely talented/creative, very kind and thoughtful, articulate, Godly, great wife and mother, productive, and I could go on, and I have never met you, yet I am sure about all that. Do you know how many women would love to be just some of that? I would say count your blessings and just persevere , continuing to discern God's will for you, and I bet He will bless you in a special way, perhaps when you least expect it.

BeccaMarie said...

Thank you Crystal, I needed that.

Leslie Marin said...

Your ARE awesome! You ARE amazing!! He doesn't create anyone who isn't. Be strong, friend!! <3

Leslie
ThePioneerMom.com

Jackie said...

"God don't make no junk." -M. Rucker (retired pastor of my church)
He used to say this a lot after some of his sermons.

Julie - Clementine Digitals said...

Your family obviously has their own issues they need to work on, it's tough to distance yourself from it but their refusal to love you reflects badly on them, not on you. From what I've seen from you in our online dealings, you are a WONDERFUL person, an extremely dedicated momma, a very loving wife, very gifted woman. I can see that, your friends can see that, your children and husband see that. You might need some more time to see it, but it doesn't make it any less true :)

Julie - Clementine Digitals said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeanette said...

I just came across your post. So beautifully expressed. It is amazing how much God loves us yet we often don't see ourselves the way He does.

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