my problem with homeschooling.
So, if you have been around here for long, you will recall that I have an ongoing issue with the whole to home school or not home school bit. I have prayed over it and read about it and researched it and done everything I could to work it out. It was tough. I was confused for some time. I was not convinced that homeschooling was for us, but I couldn't let it go. I began to wonder if God was indeed calling me to home school, which would make for some serious changes in our lives, which, if that was what God wanted me to do, then I would do it. I know he equips the called to His purposes and that he would do the same for me. At the same time, homeschooling was not sitting well with me. Not in what I would expect the normal unsettling feelings would be but more of a "there is something more to this" kind of feeling. So I kept praying. And reading. And researching. And God kept revealing.
And as I walked through it all, I came to realize that my decision (I say mine, because it was MY issue) on whether or not to send Moses to public school or not, had very little to do with sending Moses to public school or not. Yes, you may need to read that again.
You see, God has been working on my hidden issues and hurts. Ways that are hindering me, and my parenting, and my marriage and my being a friend. Ways that the enemy LOVES to use because we can't see them. Because we don't know they are there. Hurts that are so deep and hidden that they are mysterious even to their owners. However, much like a torrent wind blowing through the yard, just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there and doesn't mean it can't do harm.
I guess I should say HAD no healthy example. God is changing that by being my wonderful and perfect Father.
I know that things happened to me, physically, spiritually, mentally and sexually that would not have happened had I been protected in the right ways. My childhood could have been extended...my innocence could have lingered longer. Some things you just know.
One of my top parenting goals is to protect my kids from 90% of what I was exposed to as a child. Their innocence and childhoods are some of my most precious treasures.
I mean to protect them from things. And I don't mean normal childhood things. Those things I can deal with with relative ease. I am not overly concerned with broken arms or bouts of vomit or attitudes. Those things I expect and can deal with because they are normal.
I am talking out of the norm, things kids should never have to deal with. Childhood stealing things. Things that could be prevented with a little due diligence things. Innocence stealing things. Joy stealing things. Spirit crushing and soul disparaging things. Years of therapy and counseling things. Things that only the healing salve of Jesus can heal things.
Things that I was dipped, rolled and breaded in as a child. Things that I sought healing for (from the wrong source) and was called a liar for speaking of.
And that is where Jesus met me with this particular journey. I was called out by the one who knows me best. I heard him clear as day explain to me "Your issue is not to home school or not, it's about protecting your kids in a way that you were never protected".
Touche'. A glorious and wonderful revealing moment. I was finally released from the "to or not to home school" question. My issue WAS how can I protect my kids if I send them into the big scary world...doesn't that mean I don't love them...or want to care for them...or want to protect them? Doesn't that mean I'm not doing my job as a parent seeking to do my VERY best at my very favorite occupation? No, no, no. All I was really saying is "God, you didn't protect me, how can I trust you to protect them?".
God used a blazingly bright issue to light up an issue in the dark.
And often times, as it goes, acknowledging an issue makes it easier to deal with. And dismember. When you know what you are working with you can seek the truths that apply to that situation. And God is always good to give them to you if you ask.
God has been building columns for me. The kind on a crisp, clean and white piece of paper. In one column are ways He is equipping me as a parent. The tools and words and scripture He is showing me. In another column are ways those tools are manifesting themselves in my kids. Ways that show me that they are secure and feel loved and ARE PROTECTED. In one more column are the people he is placing in my life at just the right moments to tell me that my kids are awesome and that we are doing a good job...the teachers and friends and family who know my kids and I best.
He has shown me that I am a different kind of parent. And that my kids will benefit greatly from that. I am NOT my past. My kids will not have the same damaging childhood. They will maintain innocence and childhood joy for just as long as I can grip it.
Homeschooling is not an issue. Does Kindergarten still scare me? YES! But in a normal person kind of way. God has been good to clear out the cobwebs and shed light where it is needed.
I am "good" as a parent, fully equipped now? No way. I will be learning how to parent until I die, but where I am at now, is a good good place. The perfect platform for learning and growing.
And just in case you need some boosts in your journey, I thought I would share some of my favorite "parenting books" with you...
The first is not shown but it's my Bible. I use an app in my iPhone called YouVersion. You can choose a plan that suits you. I use the Bible in a year version and it takes about 15 minutes a day to read. Skip reading anything else before you skip this. I can't emphasis how much of a difference in makes in my life. Each time through the Bible is like a new book for me.
"How to talk so Kids will listen" is cute in that it was written by two older ladies in the early 80s but the lessons are timeless and have already done wonders in communicating with my sensitive child.
The other two are AMAZING as well.
So that is my two cents. My disclaimer is this: this is all about my issues and journey. Homeschooling is and can be awesome. Public school is and can be awesome. It's all about finding our own distinct paths in this world and helping our kids do the same. Just thought I would share a slice of my journey in the hopes that maybe someone out there needs a little of the same revelation that I did.