why home is important to me.

sorry folks.  this is one of THOSE posts.
where i spill my heart out and either it repulses you or it makes you love me more.
so you have been warned. 
the good news is that i have some CUTE posts coming in the next few days  so hang in there ok?

so can i tell you that i am worn out from this selling a house stuff.
we keep our house super neat so it can be cleaned quickly.
we have BOXES of our stuff in the attic.
the exhilaration of having a showing. 
and the let down that follows when they choose somewhere else.

the last people to see it actually made an offer.  we countered and then the husband wanted to see it.
the wife had made an offer WITHOUT her husband seeing it. WHAT?!?!
he did not love it as much as she did.
we are pretty sure it is because we live in a racially mixed neighborhood. 
which doesn't bother us one bit but was enough to convice this would be seller that his work equipment would be stolen out of his car.
he said this to me.
terrible. TERRIBLE.

so we wait a little longer.  and hold fast to hope that we will be moving soon.
the bittersweet part is that in this journey i have have the joy and honor of praying for others in the same situation...living in a city/town/country that is not home and counting the days until they get to return.  so many of you have emailed me to share your story...and i love you for it.  the bittersweet part is that others prayers are being answered.  i have lost count of how many people are well on their way home...or are already there.  and i am SO happy for them.  truly. 
and with each one i pray "my turn next Lord?".

some people still don't get it.  WHY is a place SO important to us?  to me, maybe even more so.

i'm a little nervous to talk about this next part...but here goes. 

you may notice that i never mention my family on here.  of course there is doug and my boys and my wonderful amazing in-laws who ARE my family.

i'm talking about my parents and siblings.  and everyone connected to them.
the bottom line is that i don't have them anymore.  not now nor in the foreseeable future.

for reasons that i won't go into here...a year ago in march i was forced to make a choice between my real family (doug and my boys) and the people i happen to share blood with. 
it was not an easy choice.  it was not fun.  it was hard and covered with a lot of prayer.  it still is.

some will say that family is forever.  that that is the only source of unconditional love...like somehow sharing DNA will ensure acceptance, love of the unconditional variety and a relationship.

i disagree.  acceptance is a choice.
unconditional love is an action you CHOOSE. 
relationships are a choice.

as a result of the choice to move forward without any contact from my parents...almost all family followed suit.  i'm pretty much an orphan. there are a tiny few who still talk to me.  most are not "allowed".  many, i think, cannot comprehend my choice...see reasoning above.  i still love them all and miss them.  but i've had to make a choice that i feel protects myself and my family.  and for the record doug totally supports this choice.

the point?  blacksburg has family.  and friends that ARE family.  and it takes us closer to other family.
i want my kids to grow up near their aunts and uncles and aunts and uncles in law (hi amy!) and cousins.
i want them to have memories of their family in their life.  i want those relationships for them that will keep them accountable.

i want to be part of a community that knows my children and keeps them in line when i'm not looking.
i want an endless supply of people i can trust with my kids.

i want dinner parties and cookouts.  and real, deep friends for crying out loud.  i want people who can look at me and know that i am not ok.  

blacksburg has what we don't have here.

and i am totally believing that God is going to take us there.  some great way.  some great how.

but some days my heart is heavier than others.
the days that i want those things for my kids and us.

i know and believe our prayers will be answered. 

some days are just harder to wait through than others.

xo
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14 comments:

Sheila said...

Crystal,
I am so sorry you are being shunned by your family. Family is important to God....keep trusting Him.....he will plant you where He knows you will grow.

Nesha said...

What a heartfelt post. All I can say is that I know pretty much EXACTLY how you feel. Friends are the family you get to pick out. Amen and amen.

Karen said...

I understand!!! We lived in Boston for years and even though we had family up there, it wasn't "home." We are not close with our first families and ended up moving when I was pregnant with our first to a city that felt like HOME. And it's taken a long time to build up a chosen family of friends. Regardless of the reason I know it's hard to live somewhere you don't feel is HOME.

Hope you get to where you're going SOON!

Krystle... said...

Beautifully said. I am currently in a place where I have recently found that community you speak of.."people I can trust with my kids, dinner parties, cookouts, people who can look at me and know that I am not ok"... it's a blessed thing that you've reminded me to not take for granted like I often do. I pray you get to experience that soon. In the meantime, there's always blogland.

Momma 2 Many said...

Wow... I really really get it.

Maybe not the same situation or circumstances, but the yearning for home, community, togetherness, I get.

I'm a youth pastor's wife and we move, alot.

( I love my life, I love what we do & how my awesome GOD is using my hubby and I in HIS ministry. )

Sometimes, though, it's had to connect. To make friends, who are friends not just church members. To watch my kids struggle to fit in to tight knit groups of kids. To hear them talk about "home" and our family. It's hard to be away from family. And while surrogate family is awesome it is still surrogate.

I get it.

Thanks for sharing. Thanks for opening your heart and spilling. Thanks for being transparent and honest.

Know that you, your family & your moving situation will be lifted high to the Throne of Grace. You bless my with your blog & now I am honored & blessed to be able to pray for you.

Shelley Parker Chandler said...

I have to confess that I signed the paperwork to buy my house before I ever saw it. I had looked for over 1 1/2 years, mostly without the hubby, and couldn't stand the thought of looking anymore. I told my husband to look without me for a change. About a month later, he told me he had found the house and wanted me to sign the offer. I asked to see it first and he replied, "I know what you like. Don't you trust me?" My first reaction was, "You have to be kidding," but I said, "Of course!" I met the realtor and signed the offer and then looked at the house. I did love it - and still do, 17 years later. :)

Also, family can be a pain in the rear. There are lots of legitimate reasons to disconnect and no one has the right to question your choice. You are right - unconditional love, acceptance, and relationships are choices. I have family that I dearly love, and have had estranged relationships with family from time to time. I also have many, many friends that have become "Family of Choice". Sometimes that is the best kind. :)

Cherry Tree Lane said...

I understand this post so much more than one would think.
And I have always been nervous to actually admit that I TOTALLY don't believe that "family is forever". I think that family can offer the most amazing of relationships BUT I don't think that just because you're family it means it will happen.

"Blood" never guarantees loyalty or love.

Thinking of you, friend.

Crystal @ Ordinary Days said...

I could feel your pain as I read this. I'm praying that God will open doors for you. :)

Hillari said...

Hi...long-time reader but I think this is my first comment (shame on me!). I understand the family struggle to an extent. I have a grandmother who is not in our lives based on her choices. It hurts and is hard when others criticize without understanding the truth. I pray God will grant you the desire of your heart...and quickly!

love, kate said...

i am totlly with you on the family part, mine vry rarely talks to me anymore & if they do it's to complaina bout something... never asking how the kids are. mark's family does not talk to us as well so all we have is friends. it's sad. i grew up with aunts uncles cousins. my kids do not have any of that. good luck on your move. god has a plan for everyone & for you guys he may just be waiting for that perfect oppurtunity. hang in there girlie!! xo

Judy said...

I'm at a totally different stage of life than you are (53, all the kids are happily married), but trust me, I DO understand.

Because I am sort of 'stalked' on my blog I can never mention it there. My husband cannot function if his mother is at all involved in our lives. No one could truly understand all of the 'whys' and it seems strange that so many people want it explained to them. WE cannot even explain it to ourselves. But it is REAL.

The best description is that the relationship is toxic.

I hope and pray you will be able to move soon.

Fawnda@Fireflies and Jellybeans said...

Crystal- I am saying a prayer right now for you and your family! It breaks my heart that you are not near family! God's timing is best but that does not make it easy!

Hugs to you!

Emily said...

I've just started following your blog, and love your authenticity! Thanks for sharing your heart and your gifts with so many strangers.

Reading this post, I was struck by the idea that our hearts are always longing for home. And they will, until we're finally called home to our Savior. Hopefully you guys will find a place of peace and joy, knowing that community is always difficult (and amazing) when it's real. But even Blacksburg is a just a foreshadowing of what's to come.

Sheryl Clark Productions said...

I had a good friend have to do the same thing. Her parents went wacko. When her mother went through menopause, she dramatically changed. I have known this friend since we were in 1st and 2nd...so I know this mother...she and my friend used to be best friends. Now they don't speak and other family members have heard the mother's side of the store.

I pray that you can get through this and there are those of us out there that understand your choice and know that you did what you had to do to keep yourself and your family "safe".

I will be thinking about you.

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