oh lordy {here's a ramble}

remember my "closet" analogy from THIS post a few days ago?

where i shared that i felt like God was treating me like a good closet clean out party...when i talked about it last i felt like i was in the stage where God would start to put the good back in and get things all suited to the way they should be.  i should have known better...God doesn't say "Ok, you're good...let's pile this stuff back in.  what i didn't think of was the shelving.  the framework.  the "stuff" that holds all the other "stuff" together.  with anything in life you HAVE to have a good foundation or whatever you are building will fail.  so i could get things cleaned out and piled in and be "good" for a while before it all falls apart again...continue cycle.  i don't want a cyclical life.  i want a growing, learning, changing life.  each night as i put my head on my pillow i want to be one step closer to being the ME that GOD has equipped me to be.  period. 

so back to shelving.  i was doing my Bible study this past week...and everything i am reading is just hitting me like a ton of bricks...boom...boom...boom. everything is clicking and i am LOVING this study.  it's like it was written JUST for me.  and then i get to a certain question that goes something like this:

think of a time when something you prayed for, for a long time, finally came through and God answered your prayers...

or something to that effect. 

i couldn't answer.  it was the first question out of dozens so far that i just couldn't answer.  so i sit there and ponder it.  asking God to show me why i couldn't answer this...or show me the answer. 

i KNOW i am blessed and HAVE answered prayers...but i couldn't answer THIS question.

and then in my head i hear "you don't have an answer because you have never felt like you were or ARE significant enough for God to care about OR answer your prayers".  

i know it is a lie.  but i realized it IS a lie i believe.  please note the tense here.  

i have prayed since middle school.  over the years with work my prayer life has grown and gotten more meaningful.  but during that ONE moment of this study God made clear to me a lie that i am believing.  that He doesn't care enough to answer my prayers.  i know He loves me.  but that's not the issue here.  and as i thought on it...i wondered (not for too long) where it came from...and one by one images from my past flash across my mind.  and each and every one of them are times where i have been treated as unimportant and not needed and not wanted.  times where people left when i needed them or never showed up in the first place.  a series of events that spoke "you are insignificant" to me. 

and it has happened enough times in my life, and were left "untreated", and reinforced enough that it became part of who i am.  and i've existed this far with it fully intact.  i AM insignificant because i've been fed the lie enough.

and i feel like God is saying "you are significant" needs to be the first shelf in my closet.  
because it is my deepest issue.

now do i know how to fix this?  no.  other than praying that is.  and i have been.  

i need to learn significance.  
Godly significance.

not worldly.
because the world will and has failed me every time.

and hear me when i say...i KNOW that God exists.  i KNOW He is real.  i KNOW that He created the earth and every single thing in it.  i KNOW that He sent His son to die for us.  i am not doubting God. 

but am i significant to Him? i can't say that i know yes.  yet.
i want to.  but it will take time to get there. 

i do hear God calling me to DIG IN. 
get in the word.  get fired up. 
call the enemy out.  don't sit back and enjoy the show. 

don't try to please the world or the people in it.
because you can't please both.

believe me...i've tried to straddle both sides and it's just not possible. 

you have to be all in and all out. 

and i'm on my way in.
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7 comments:

derekcindyterp said...

Beautiful, honest, heartfelt post. Thank you...

hannah singer said...

so good. the world does fail. all. the. time.
thanks for sharing your heart!
i am learning with you.
press on! xo

Tisha said...

Crystal - sometimes you really do know just how to say what I need to hear! What a beautiful post on a difficult topic, and I am so there with you, girlfriend! You took what I have been feeling (for a lot longer than I'd like to admit), put it in a pretty package and tied it with a bow. Thank you for being so brave!!

tigerchick said...

Crystal,

I hope that you can and will eradicate from your mind forever --the thought that you are insignificant. The creator of the universe, the most powerful power in the world--loves no one-- no one--more than you.
Melanie

Happy Hodge Podge said...

Beautiful post.
Please share the name of the Bible study. It sounds just like something I need to be digging into right now. I just finished the 'Made to Crave' Bible study so I'm ready for a new one.

Krystle... said...

It's funny... usually I hop onto people's blogs and when I see a lot of words and few pictures I move along. Not with you. Each and every time you fill a post with words I get excited. Most often I think it's because I know how you feel and knowing that you're not alone is a beautiful thing! I've been reading "Radical" by David Platt over the past week and it has shaken me a little in this way of how to become significant for His kingdom and not for this world. Just thought I'd pass that along.

April said...

I struggle with the same lies! Either that one or believing it doesn't matter God will do what He's going to do anyway.

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