i'm a slow learner.

(grab a drink and a snack...this is a loooooooooong one).
a lot of people chose a word to represent what they hope to accomplish in the coming year.  most words are full of charm and hope...like "simplify" or "love" or "enjoy" or "live" or "awesomesauce".

just kidding on that last one...for the record that is a ridiculous "word".   

i feel like my word chose me this year.  and that word is "unsettled". 
if it was a phrase it would be "question everything". 

i feel shaky in every role. 
i feel not myself. 
i feel like a huge part of who i am meant to be is missing. 
i feel beat up and homesick.  

part of this unsettled-ness, i believe, is a cleansing of sorts.  
the way you empty out a closet so you can organize and clean it all out properly.  
i've said before that to undo the first 18 years of my life will take years 19 through 36. 

i'm at the "closet is empty and all of its' contents are strewn all about" stage.  

i'm empty.  and cleaned out.  ready for a fresh start and a new foundation.  
a couple of weeks ago i started a new Bible study. 

and even though i had no idea what the study was about when i 
signed up...i could not have chosen a more appropriate one for me.  right now. 

i told God that if He woke me up before the boys, i would do each page of homework for the study.  this is huge.  i never do homework.  i learn more from discussion and the note taking.  
but God knew i needed to do this homework.  and He has been kind enough to wake me around 6:30am every morning since we spoke about it.  just enough time to have my coffee and get a days worth of Bible study done before the boys wake up. 

the first few days have been all about how God has ESTABLISHED me,  PLACED me, EQUIPPED me, ANNOINTED me for exactly where i am right now.  
i have not happened upon this place in my life by accident. 

the overwhelming theme for me has been God yelling to me 
YOU ARE NOT WHERE YOU ARE BY ACCIDENT.  
I PUT YOU HERE ON PURPOSE DUMMY.
SIT DOWN, SHUT UP AND LEARN SOMETHING.
(God knows i'm stubborn and thickheaded and sometimes need 
things like this spelled out for me.  it's okay, i'm cool with it). 

and as God is yelling this to me...the enemy has a constant whisper.  

and it sounds like this: 
you are forgotten.  you are worthless.  you are not important.  there is no plan for you.  no one wants you.  you have no talent.  you are forgotten.  you will never get to go home.  you don't deserve a good life.  you don't deserve another single blessing.  you are terrible at all you do.  you are FORGOTTEN.  

and both reels are constantly rolling.  

but i am learning.  that the more i DIG IN.   
the smaller that whisper gets. 

i have taken to saying to myself (in true whacko crazy person style)
i am in HIS hands and YOU cannot touch me.  
not the unkind words.  
not the unkind actions of others.  
not my shortcomings.  
not the ways that i don't measure up to others.

God made me for what i am doing.  period. 
He made me for taking care of every need of my three wonderful men.  for washing their clothes and filling their bellies.  for being their constant.  for fixing the boo boo's. 

i am here to serve the wonderful little people in my life (and God willing other peoples little people too!) with joy and love and care.  i am here to wipe noses and change diapers and make dinner (and lunch and breakfast).  i am here to pick up toys and read books and love on the people in my life. 
Eph 2:10 tells us that we are God's MASTERPIECE.  

masterpiece is defined as a work of outstanding artistry, 
skill, or workmanship. a best work.

we are His best work.  He has placed us and equipped us for any and every stage that we are at in life.  times will change and i will be less needed in some areas and more needed in others.  

but what will never change is that fact that God knew each step before i took it.  if i am going to make it in this life and obtain my life goal of being a little old lady with a spot of carpet worn thin by prayer then i need to learn to DIG IN at every opportunity i can.  

God knows my dreams...because i believe He planted them there.  

i dream of moving back to blacksburg...into a house with a huge playroom and craft room with lots of sun.  having a garden so HUGE that you can't leave my house without a basket full of homegrown goodies.  living down the road from family and friends.  being part of my home church again.  playing with the boys on my college campus.  my husband going to Hokie sports events with my boys. 

all dreams that i believe, are God given. 
and i am learning that i can't do a thing to make them happen.  i can only do what i have been ESTABLISHED, PLACED, EQUIPPED and ANNOINTED to do.  
and it's up to God to take care of the rest.

i'm learning to rest and settle into His plan and the peace that comes with it.  
because i am NOT forgotten.  
and there IS a plan for me. 

i will do what i can do 
and God will do what only God can do.

and together we'll get all the good stuff back in the closet.
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12 comments:

Millicent said...

so refreshing. how is it you write this post at a time when i need it the most? you're a blessing to me, my friend.

Tiffany said...

What study is this? I just wrapped up my study and I am needing something exactly as you just described.....

The Garcias said...

I've been reading your blog for awhile and I must say, this post brought a huge smile to my face and tears to my eyes. It is so a-MAZING to see God at work. I lovelove it! This post was such an encouragement to me. God does have a plan for you! A wonderful plan! It is not for us (dag-nabit!!, as my mother would say) "to know the times or seasons that the Father has fixed by His own authority" (Acts 1:7). We worry so much about the future and how it will all play out, when in reality, God is sovereignly in control of those details and it is fixed by his authority. Its up to me to take care of today, be on mission with Him today. This is what I'm learning :). Blessings on you!

Momma said...

Amen! I too needed to hear this. Thank you!

Ellen - SkoMomma said...

hooray!

thetwistedruffle said...

oh, we are doing the same study!! i missed one week of videos, but i have liked it for the most part. i did disagree with a handful of things the first few days, but i'm trying to take it as a whole instead of being nit picky! i loved your post, really. and, you're right, we are his best work. we just have to remind ourselves every day. because raising kids (and homeschooing in my case) is hard. it takes more strength than i have alone.

btw, how's jillian coming along?

Bernice said...

Just what I needed to hear. I'm pretty sure me finding your blog was no accident.

virginia said...

powerful stuff

Kristen said...

Beautifully expressed! So glad I found your blog!

derekcindyterp said...

I've never met you, but I like you :D
What a GREAT post, something I too, needed to be reminded of. WE ARE SO BLESSED!- to have God in control and to know HE HAS A PLAN FOR US!! Nothing and NOBODY happens by chance....

April@ Natural Nester said...

I don't really know why I feel compelled to share this, but when my daughter was first born (Feb. 2010), I felt totally, completely, helplessly lost. I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore, like I had no idea how to be a mother or a wife. I was lost and a mess. (I was suffering from PPD, but that was only a part of the equation.) Finally, after much prayer and counsel from my sweet hubby and family, I wrote out my "Mommy mantra." I repeated it to myself everyday, several times a day until I believed it.

It said, "God has anointed and qualified me to mother and care for (Miss A). He has qualified me to be her Mother. He does not expect me to know everything, but has given me the wisdom of God in raising her. I hear only His voice and will concerning her and the voice of the stranger I do not follow. I can rest in confidence knowing that she is in His loving hands."

Just having that mantra to repeat to myself over and over helped me through those early months SO much!! I don't know if that helps at all, but I just really felt like I needed to share that with you today. Because you DO hear His voice and you DO follow Him!

Blessings to you Sweet Friend!!!
~April

Ches said...

Great post, I truely needed to read this today in this momnent. Thanks so much for sharing.

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