roller coasters.

a few weeks ago we took a little road trip to a nearby city.  we ended up in one of those little amazingly, overpriced arcade type of places.  inside was a little version of a roller coaster.  possibly one of the most tame ones that i have ever been on...and back in the day there was none that i wouldn't go on.  

growing up we lived near kings dominion and there was always some new and daring rollercoaster to try...backwards ones, upside down ones, ones where you dangled and dipped and went straight up in the air.  i could take them all.  i enjoyed them.  i waited in line for them.  it was fun.  

fast forward to this tiny little roller coaster.  a roller coaster that went around in a small oval and up and down in the most tame of ways.  a roller coaster that moses was excited to ride.  that he couldn't ride alone.  someone had to go with him and doug was not going to do it.  so i did.  i didn't think anything of it because i have been on countless roller coasters 1000's of times more crazy than this little rinky dink thing.  and let me tell you kicked my butt.  i went from complete roller coaster tolerance to zero roller coaster tolerance.  i was dizzy.  i was sick.  i was ill.  i did not like it. 

it's the same for me now with the roller coaster known as life.  back in the day i seemed much more equipped for the crazy ups and downs that came with life.  maybe it was because i was just focused on survival and not really learning...and now learning is the most important to me.  

i'm on the verge of losing track of the ups and downs we have gone through in the last few months...we'd have a dream then have it dashed...mourn, breathe, recoup...dream, dash, mourn, recoup, dream, dash, mourn,'s a cycle we are in at the moment...this last weekend was no exception.  
in the midst of a celebration, surrounded by family we had more dreams dashed.  we pushed through.  i had my cry and the party went on.  

hope has never been so hard.  i never knew it to be such a painful thing to endure.  but it is.  it's wonderful and cutting all at the same time.  

all the while these things are happening, we know that we know that God's plan is best, that He knows our path and route and has it all planned out.  we are both very ready to accept His choices for us.  but figuring them out has been tough.  

the valleys and peaks have been not so drastic as they once were.  i'd like to think that is part of our growth...that when you are hanging on to Him, He keeps you from the depths and manic highs that the world throws at you and keeps you on a more even path instead.   

He keeps us dreaming at the slightest sign of hope.  even though i am so wearied by the hands of hope.  and even though i promised to give it up to save heartache.  here we are again at it's door.  
and the cycle begins again.


Megan said...

So sorry. I love when God lets me look back and see how every little heartache was preparing me for something bigger. But oh, the heartache...that's no fun. I know your hope is in the right place. Hang in there.

virginia said...

so there

Janel said...

Oh sweet girl, so sorry that life is so unpredictable right now. I know you are so ready for a new change. It will happen in God's time. Just so hard to hold onto that when ones heart is so ready to GO!

hugs, big tight ones!

Krystle... said...

You're not alone. I'm there with you. I can't determine if, in my case, my issue is more with my expectations than anything. I'm a goer and a doer and sometimes, when God is silent and seems to be requiring me to stand still, I look around at other "options" and get excited or nervous when in reality I'm just called to stand still. I HATE STANDING STILL! Maybe it's just the lesson I need right now.

Mollie said...

You've been on my mind lately and I just wanted you to know (and so did a bunch of other people!) that you aren't alone. And then when you mentioned Kings Dominion (I'm just a few miles south of there), I knew I'd better TELL you that I'm thinking of you!!

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