what i wish num 18.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #18: 

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"What I wish I could tell you is that my divorce is killing me. I have been separated from my husband for 7 months. He is controlling and can be verbally abusive. He agreed to sign dissolution papers and now he is refusing to sign them because he feels that he should be compensated for our house, which happens to be my deceased grandmothers house.


There are some days where I feel like I can't handle life. I love my son very much and if it weren't for him I can honestly say I don't know how I would go on. I can face the fact that my marriage is over, but he won't leave me alone. He parties every weekend but makes sure I am home. He will only get our son if we are getting along. If he is mad at me he won't get him. I worry everyday that he will go to daycare and pick him up and take him to spite me. I have to worry every week if he is going to get him on his day, which is only on friday's at his request. It makes me sick to have to text him and ask him if he is going to be getting his son or not. Between the texts calling me names and the constant worry....I feel like I just can't take one more thing...one more stress...or I'm going to break down. I can get through the day to day tasks like working and grocery shopping or being around close friends. I can't handle going to any kind of get together where there are lots of people. I feel like I'm going to lose it....I feel like crying on those days. I am best when my son and I can just sit in our house and be together...left alone.


I hate it that there are times when I break down in front of my son. He is two and he will come over to me and ask me "ok mommy?" and it kills me even more. I hate it. I hate this person my husband is turning me into, but I don't know how to get a grip on myself. How to pull myself back.


It has taken me 12 years to realize how controlling that my husband can be. Although this isn't what I ultimately wanted...it is what is best. I do still second guess my decisions though. I wonder if things really weren't that bad. Maybe it was all my fault. I wish that we could be happily married but I know now that that is not going to happen between us. I hate that I have to get a lawyer to get a divorce and fight to keep myself and my son in our home because he insists on torturing me for not taking his crap. I am scared out of my  mind for change. I'm scared I will never meet someone else. I'm 30....I want to have another child and I feel like that has been ripped from me because of him. What if I never meet someone else. I will never get to have another child. What if I have to sell our house to give him his share? What will I do? I just can't take it. I do have an appointment with an attorney on Thursday, could you pray for me that it goes well?


To my husband: It is time for you to let me go. You don't want to be married to me, you have chosen what you want and prove it to me every weekend since you left. I will not sit here and be at your beck and call. You can fight me all you want...I will fight back. I hate you for what you are doing to me and our son. Grow up and be a man for once in your life."
 
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Want a turn to share?  Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com. 
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5 comments:

melismama said...

Hugs! Keep the faith in yourself..you are worthy of more!

Tricia said...

Here is what I know about you from your post: You are brave. You are strong. You are loving. You are hopeful. This is a terrible situation, but you are dealing with it step by step, minute by minute. I pray that every step and every minute brings you closer to happiness. Please feel the kind thoughts I'm sending your way.
Tricia

Trimble said...

I'm so sorry. Here is a virtual hug.

Estee said...

You are brave! keep doing what is right for you and your son!

It is so sad when a man uses his son to tortue his once loved woman.

I'm sending you virtual hugs. Be strong.

Michele said...

I want you to know you are not alone and you WILL make it thru this. My husband (teenager with the same last name) abandoned me 11 months ago and I did not know how I was going to get out of bed each morning for longer than I thought possible. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. don't let the enemy tell you those lies. God has much more in store for you, though it may be hard to believe right now. Believe HIM for the abundant life He has promised and He will deliver. Hang in there...one day at a time.

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