what i wish. num 17.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #17: 

What I wish I could tell you is that I dont know what I should do.
I realized we dont want the same things anymore. Maybe we never did. Maybe we were so excited about the idea of moving forward that we never looked very closely. I dont know if we have anything in common. I dont know if I can live each day knowing that I have to sacrifice all of the things I want and have so many expectations put on me.
I want to live in new york. You dont, and you think I want to live there because it is where she lives, but it isnt. It is where I feel the most like myself. I never wanted ot move away, but I was too young to make that choice, and I want to go back. I hate this house and this nowheresville town we live in. I hate having to drive 20 minutes to get anywhere and I hate being in a place where there is no culture. You love new york. It feels like you only say never to hurt me. I would settle for a 'maybe someday', but you wont even let me have my dreams.
I want to travel. Not just to see your parents in middle america- but to see the world. I want to go to Egypt. It has been my dream since I was 10. You have made it clear that you will never go. You have said you will not be OK with me going alone or with friends. I would never keep you from something that would so easily make your dreams come true.
I want to foster parent and adopt. Im not saying I wont put myself through the torture of fertility treatments so that we can try to have our own baby- but I feel so strongly that my children are already out there waiting for me, and you tell me that you would never even consider it. You say horrible things about these children, who I already work with and love. Dont you see how we can offer these kids a chance? They are good and caring and lost and alone. THey dont act that way because they are bad, but because they have nothing worth trying for. Im not saying I cant be flexible on age, or even that it has to be one of the kids I work with. I know you want to be a dad to little ones, but what is wrong with 6 or 7? What If my condition prevents us from EVER having a baby? will you change your mind?
I want to celebrate christmas. I realize we are not christian, but I want to and have always wanted to. I want so much to put up a tree and sing christmas carols, and go to christmas plays, and wake up on christmas morning that It hurts. Every year it hurts more. I KNOW you feel the same, and have since you were little. But, you say that your family would never understand. Why cant you see that I am your family too?
I want a day, just one, where I dont feel like I am under your thumb. Where I dont feel obligated to give in to your insane neediness and constantly rub your shoulders or cuddle. I need space. I want one day where I can purchase something small without getting the third degree. We are very comfortable, and I work too and feel I should have the freedom to purchase these things without explaining myself. I also wish I could have a day where you did not constantly comment on my salary or the fact that I love what I do and dont have plans to make more money in the future. You call it having no goals. I call it contentment. I have lots of goals- you just dont share any of them.
I am not happy. But, I love you. I dont know what I should do.

Want a turn to share?  Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com. 
Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.


Biz said...

Oh how my heart aches for you.
I notice that you say you are not a Christian.
I hope you don't mind my praying for you.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Sometimes we feel lost and confused and we don't know what we are supposed to do next. I pray for this sad soul. I pray that you will show them the way and give them peace in knowing what they should do and how they should act. I pray that you will wrap your arms around them and give them comfort. Send your angels to direct them and lead the way. For it says in Jeremiah 29:11~ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I pray all of this in your heavenly name.

Julia said...

Wow. This hurts to read. My first thought is this is not love....this is control. Get out now. Before children are involved.

Marriage is hard and full of compromise...but the "never" sounds very final.

Fly away.

Julia said...

Wow....My first thought is run. This is not love, this is control. Get out before children are involved and hurt.

Marriage is hard and full of compromise. But "never" sounds final.

Fly away. You will be okay.

michelle b @ every little thing inspired said...

tell him everything. it sounds like anything you have to lose is already gone.
i'm so sorry. I agree with Julia, you would be better not to bring children into something that is so little of what you would like out of life already.
love and hugs

Finding Joy said...

Thank you for sharing your difficult situation. The first thing that comes to my mind is HOPE. There is hope for you. Do not lose your dreams. The fact that you recognize you don't know what to do is a positive thing. I think you do know what to do but you are scared. That's OK. There is hope for you! Much love and many prayers.

BJJ said...

Be as YOU are. Not what anyone else wants you to be. What YOU want you to be.

Freebird yourself!


Kelly @ Make It Sparkly Mama said...

Oh sweetie, how my heart aches for you! I am praying for you and sending internet hugs to you!

Two Little Tots said...

my heart hurts for you and i am praying for you. thank you for sharing!

pondering said...

This marriage is in trouble in a bad way. I'm sorry, my heart breaks reading this. I was in a marriage almost exactly the same way. Controlling, uncaring man, that enjoyed hurting me, and wanted me to live my every second for him. This girl and I even shared of a few of the same dreams, and those dreams were torn to pieces by my husband, in my face, on purpose, just as this girl is describing. I am SOOOO sorry, if the author of this post is reading this, I know where you are at! I will pray for you! The thing that is different is you say you aren't Christians, so I just want to say to you, you don't have to be completely alone when you know Jesus Christ. He is like a best friend, a hiding place, a strong tower, a comforter, a provider, a Savior so much more. Pour your heart out to Jesus Christ, He will never leave you, never betray you. It's truth that he died on the cross to save your soul, and while you are here on this earth He will dwell with you through everything! Wisdom, strength, comfort, and peace are only a few of the gifts He will fill your life with.
I'm praying for you, whoever you are, my heart breaks and tears well in reading your struggle.

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