re-upholstery a la glue gun.

 if you are a "real" re-upholstery professional...you may want to avert your eyes.  this is a redo whilst making do with what I had on hand.  though...i may be willing to bet you that you can't tell the difference once you are sitting...  
 here's a before, next to an in progress chair.  we went to visit our uncle b last weekend and i kindly stole acquired these from his garage.  he thought the red was just fine.  i thought so too.  if i were going to put them in a dental office...they had a goodwill sticker on them of a whopping $5 each.  
 i did not take off the red before i put on the houndstooth.  i took one look at the bagillion staples and just had a feeling that my patience would not tolerate the removal of so many staples.  the fabric i used is upholstery weight so you can't tell...and because i didn't start from scratch...i had to use a glue gun in some places...once i stapled where i could.  
 my favorite part may be the part you never see...a fun fabric covering the bottoms.  
it's fun just knowing it's there. 
i'm pretty pleased with my unconventional re-upholstery style.  :)
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the perfect rawr!

video

Ok...so I know I have left you all hanging on a lot of big issues that are going on in my life right now...house stuff...Doug's job stuff...etc.  And as much as I want to spill IT ALL right now...I can't. 

I am waiting on the Lord to answer us a few questions...I would imagine that we would know more about our life in a week or so...then I can tell you about all of the ups and downs in full detail. 

In the meantime, there is something potentially BIG on the horizon.  If I could post it all here and beg your prayers I would...but I don't feel like I can.  So if you feel pressed to pray for me...just email me and I can fill you in that way.  Or you can just pray for God's will and peace for us. 

And while you wait...you can enjoy our little hoho.  Who has the perfect roar.

This video pretty much sums him up...supremely sweet and impish.   
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an ode to my favorites.

(aaron's "cheese" face) 
the blog world has so many beautiful people out there. 

i love blogging because in some small way it takes us back to the days when you knew all your neighbors...shared ideas with them, resources, time, etc...where you looked out for each other.  where you brought out each others best and picked each other up when they were down. 

i thought i would take some time to share with you some of the people in my neighborhood.  
in no particular order.  

most of you probably already know meg.
she is happy.  has a great knack for decorating her beautiful home.  and is successfully raising teenagers.  if you haven't been...you should go.  she has great recipes and nice eye candy.  her
 potato soup is now in my regular rotation of recipes. i wish we were real life friends.    

and if you know meg, you probably know julie. 
julie seems to have an abundance of friends.  all over the country.  her home is beautiful and she has an all around beautiful heart.  she builds wells for the poor in Africa in her spare time.

heather. heather is a real live doll.  i am pretty sure she is the sweetest person i have never met.  she has a way with vintage and a faith in Jesus that is abundantly apparent in how she handles tragedy.  i would take her as a neighbor any time.
and next is sara.  sara is a wonderful photographer and graphic designer extraordinaire.  if she ever goes out of business i will be that person that emails her every Christmas begging her to just do my card.  she is down to earth, a woman who handles a lot on her plate and gets stuff done...a woman after my own heart. 

then there is tara.  beautiful. photography.  beautiful person.  i don't know tons about her.  but her photo skills will knock your socks off. 

cathe.http://justsomethingimade.com/  creative uses for vintage items.  her imagination fascinates me.  the way she can see beauty in so many items is something i wish i was better at.   


that's just a few...maybe i will do another installment of neighbors again soon...hope there are some new blogs there for you to love. :)

xo



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gag me with a spoon.

*a warning to gaggers...i talk about vomit in this post*
some parenting lessons i seem to need to learn every so often. 

one of those, in this house, is to not make my kids eat things they don't want or like. 
it always, always ends in vomit.  

i know, i know.  that sounds like a terrible parenting philosophy.  but hear me out. 

i have gaggers.  three of them.  i'm not one of the three.  both of my boys have been gaggers since birth.  with Moses, since the beginning of his eating life he would gag.  if i was feeding him apples and peas and switched between the two without him knowing about it...he would gag.  

finger too far down his throat...gag.  
seeing someone else gag...gag.  
a fleck of dust in his mouth...gag.
being forced to eat anything...whether he likes it or not...gag. 
laughing too hard...gag. 
running too much...gag.  

i kid you not.

and before you think it, it's not an act.  it's a genuine "thing".  it has always been there.   they inherited it from someone whose testimony i can trust.
every time my kids get sick...there is vomit involved...whether or not there are stomach issues involved in the sickness...the sheer act of being ill flips the gag switch.

if aaron starts to gag we pretty much have to RUN moses out of the room.  or else.

i think my niece threw up for the first time at two.  years.  moses was at two.  days.
i am a pro-haz mat cleaner.  doug bathes and i'm the clean up crew.

in general my boys eat really healthy.  they eat a pretty good breakfast and a pretty good lunch.  and generally that is because those things i make to cater to what they want.  

dinner is something else.  in general our rule is, eat what is served you, or don't eat until breakfast.  

and that rule works well until i get in the way.  and every time i get in the way...it ends in vomit. 

and then i get annoyed at myself for throwing aside a really good family policy because deep down i am worried that someone will hear that my kids rarely eat much of a dinner and label me a failure as a parent.  but even further down deeper than that...i KNOW that they will not go to college living on a diet of oatmeal, yogurt and milk.  

to me...it's way more more important to have a happy, peaceful family time at meals.  i care more about what goes in their hearts than what goes in their mouths...because i know that they eat healthy for the other two meals.  

i know that in general they eat well and are healthy kids. 

even if the only vegetable that Moses will eat willingly is a cucumber.   

this is my reminder to stick to what I KNOW works for MY family and to not be influenced my the "other mom's phenomena".  

yes, it is great that your kids will eat a 100% raw diet, or that they love sushi, or that you only eat organic, hand caught grapes (because picking them would be unfair to the grapes life cycle).  i truly love that your kids love vegetables or beg for whole grains.  

but i am telling you, you put a couscous on my boys' tongue, you better be wearing a plastic parka.
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when unclothed is unfitting.

This was one of my devotionals this morning...I agree 100%...I love how John Piper can say things in a way that I think....but could never get on paper as well. 

When Unclothed is Unfitting-Thoughts on Selling with Sex
 John Piper
 
Jonathan Edwards once said that godly people can, as it were, smell the depravity of an act before they can explain why it evil. There is a spiritual sense that something is amiss. It does not fit in a world permeated with God.

Ephesians 5:3 says that some things "are not fitting" among saints." "Fitting-ness" is not always easy to justify with arguments. You discern it before you can defend it. That's good, because we have to make hundreds of choices every day with no time for extended reflection.
But from time to time we need to pause and give rational, biblical expression why something is not fitting. Some years ago I came to that point when, week after week, a local newspaper put scantily clad women on the second page of Section A in order to sell underclothes. I wrote a letter to the paper with nine reasons why they should stop using this kind of advertising.
Perhaps my reflections will help you deal with the hundreds of abuses of God's good gift of sexuality in our culture. Here is what I wrote.
As a 14-year subscriber and reader of the [name of paper omitted], I am writing to express the persuasion that your sexually explicit ads that often turn up in Section A are increasingly offensive and socially irresponsible. I mean that the effectiveness of catching people's attention by picturing a woman in her underclothes does not justify the ads. The detrimental effects of such mercenary misuse of the female body are not insignificant. The harm I have in mind is described in the following nine persuasions.
1.     This woman could not go out in public dressed like that without being shamed or being mentally aberrant. Yet you thrust her out, even in front of those of us who feel shame for her.

2.     This portrayal of a woman sitting in her underclothes at a table with a cup of tea disposes men to think of women not as persons but mainly in terms of their bodies. It stimulates young boys to dwell on unclothed women's bodies and thus lames their ability to deal with women as dignified persons. I have four sons.

3.     The ad stimulates sexual desire which in thousands of men has no legitimate or wholesome outlet through marriage. In other words, it feeds a corporate, community lust that bears no good fruit outside marriage, but in fact many ills.

4.     The ad makes sensibilities callous so that fewer and fewer offenses against good taste feel unacceptable, which spells the collapse of precious and delicate aspects of personhood and relationships.

5.     The ad makes thousands of women subconsciously measure their attractiveness and worth by the standard of rarefied, unrealistic models, leading to an unhealthy and discouraging preoccupation with outward looks.

6.     The ad feeds the prurient fantasies of ordinary men, lodging a sexual image in their minds for the day which can rob them of the ability to think about things greater and nobler than skin.

7.     The ad condones the proclivity of males to mentally unclothe women by reminding them what they would see if they did, and by suggesting that there are women who want to be publicly unclothed in this way. This reminder and this suggestion support habits and stereotypes that weaken personal virtue and jeopardize decorous relationships.

8.     The ad encourages young girls to put excessive focus on their bodies and how they will be looked at, adding to the epidemic of depression and eating disorders.

9.     The ad contributes to dissatisfaction in men whose wives can't produce that body and thus adds to the instability of marriages and homes.
I realize that the bottom line is big bucks for page two, and lots of attention for [name of department store omitted]. But please know that at least one assessment of your standards of fitness for print is that it is part of a tragic loss of modesty and decency that may, for now, feel like mature liberation, but in generations to come will reap a whirlwind of misery for all of us.
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what i wish. num 17.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #17: 

~*~
What I wish I could tell you is that I dont know what I should do.
I realized we dont want the same things anymore. Maybe we never did. Maybe we were so excited about the idea of moving forward that we never looked very closely. I dont know if we have anything in common. I dont know if I can live each day knowing that I have to sacrifice all of the things I want and have so many expectations put on me.
I want to live in new york. You dont, and you think I want to live there because it is where she lives, but it isnt. It is where I feel the most like myself. I never wanted ot move away, but I was too young to make that choice, and I want to go back. I hate this house and this nowheresville town we live in. I hate having to drive 20 minutes to get anywhere and I hate being in a place where there is no culture. You love new york. It feels like you only say never to hurt me. I would settle for a 'maybe someday', but you wont even let me have my dreams.
I want to travel. Not just to see your parents in middle america- but to see the world. I want to go to Egypt. It has been my dream since I was 10. You have made it clear that you will never go. You have said you will not be OK with me going alone or with friends. I would never keep you from something that would so easily make your dreams come true.
I want to foster parent and adopt. Im not saying I wont put myself through the torture of fertility treatments so that we can try to have our own baby- but I feel so strongly that my children are already out there waiting for me, and you tell me that you would never even consider it. You say horrible things about these children, who I already work with and love. Dont you see how we can offer these kids a chance? They are good and caring and lost and alone. THey dont act that way because they are bad, but because they have nothing worth trying for. Im not saying I cant be flexible on age, or even that it has to be one of the kids I work with. I know you want to be a dad to little ones, but what is wrong with 6 or 7? What If my condition prevents us from EVER having a baby? will you change your mind?
I want to celebrate christmas. I realize we are not christian, but I want to and have always wanted to. I want so much to put up a tree and sing christmas carols, and go to christmas plays, and wake up on christmas morning that It hurts. Every year it hurts more. I KNOW you feel the same, and have since you were little. But, you say that your family would never understand. Why cant you see that I am your family too?
I want a day, just one, where I dont feel like I am under your thumb. Where I dont feel obligated to give in to your insane neediness and constantly rub your shoulders or cuddle. I need space. I want one day where I can purchase something small without getting the third degree. We are very comfortable, and I work too and feel I should have the freedom to purchase these things without explaining myself. I also wish I could have a day where you did not constantly comment on my salary or the fact that I love what I do and dont have plans to make more money in the future. You call it having no goals. I call it contentment. I have lots of goals- you just dont share any of them.
I am not happy. But, I love you. I dont know what I should do.
~*~

Want a turn to share?  Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com. 
Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.
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happy anniversary.

today is my five year wedding anniversary.  
i have been blessed enough to be married to the type of man 
that i didn't know existed before i met him. 
he has shown me that marriage should be a JOY, a PARTNERSHIP and the most trusting and wonderful relationship that you can know on Earth. 

before i met Doug, i was resolved to grow into a lonely old cat lady, because i thought that life would be far better than being married.  i really had NO idea that marriage could be so wonderful.  i had no intimate example of a beautiful marriage...just little glimpses into others. 

Doug is the most wonderful man that you could ever meet.  he is kind and generous and hardworking.  we have 100% trust in each other.  we are best friends.

he makes me want to be a better person...a more patient, more hardworking, more generous person.  

if he ever went away i would just die.  so we have a deal, i get to go to Jesus at least one day before him...because i don't want to know what life is like on this Earth without that man of mine. 

happy anniversary honey!  now that we've gotten all the hard stuff out of the way (having babies, buying a house, moving to a new city, career changes, etc) let's see how much fun we can pack into the next five years? dealio.  dealio. 

xo
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working. thinking. pondering.

 well the short story is that the realtor assessed our home at a pretty good price (which we like) but then he recommended that we sell it at a significantly less price (which we are not a fan of).  
so we are trying to decide what to do from here...do we scrap the idea and just resolve to live here for another six months, year, two years? and do all the projects that we would love to do here.  do we list it for sale at the price we would want to get for it?

it seems like an enormous decision...that i don't feel at all qualified to make.  but the good news is, that either way, i feel ok about it.  whichever decision we make will be a good one.  but as i have told my husband, moving, at this point, would be a lot less work, and maybe cheaper too...because i have big plans for making this house work its hardest for us.  

so we shall see...
in the mean time, i am working away on some new things for the shop...a couple of wreaths, a cute canvas and some red fur valentine hoho's.  :)

we are just praying for God's will to become apparent to us...and we are asking a lot of questions to everyone we know...like, do you owe a realtor money if your house doesn't sell?  how hard is it to install a new backyard fence? (eric you want to come down for a weekend to help with that one? :) how hard is tile to lay?  etc...

more waiting and pondering...but this time with a lot less emotion attached. :)
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words to live by in 2011...

"Make what you want to make, 
and make it the way you want to make it." 
Gwen Marston

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, 
you will find him if you seek Him 
with all your heart and with all your soul. 
Deut 4:29
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mantle love.

we are still waiting to hear from the realtor...

so i thought i would distract myself with a totally unrelated blog post...

did you know...we take down our Christmas goodies on the day after Christmas.  I am always so ready to get my house back...to set my focus on spring and forge ahead into the new year with a fresh, clean house.  

here is my new mantle...a la etsy. 
frame prints are from box64 studios...a Christmas gift from my SIL.
hokies sign from go jump in the lake.
pray sign, that i ADORE, is from burley girl designs.
bunting by me.
clock from target ages ago.
jar of shells from Boca.  a place we just bought our tickets to...*swoon*.
paint color is crystal aqua from valspar...someone always asks. :) 

have you started your post holiday decorating?  do show and tell.
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pins and needles.

so.  the realtor had great things to say about our house.  there were times where he was SPEECHLESS about how organized we i am.  he didn't have many things he wanted us to change.  he suggested to touch up paint here or there and paint moses' room.  all things we were going to do anyway.  

he loved our paint colors.  suggested we leave up some family photos and continue our de-cluttering.

and the pins and needles part. 
he is supposed to call or email us by Friday to give us the number that we could/should list our house at.  we are praying for either a number that we are *very* comfortable with...or one so terrible that we know God wants us to stay put.  this is how we are leaving it in His hands.  we have done all we can do and now we are waiting for God's will to be done. 

and while i am anxious to know what the realtor says...i am completely at peace about not having control over the situation.  and now we wait to see what God's plan is.  

will you pray for us?  

*my* desire is to sell at a number nice enough and have something extra to tuck away.  

and there are some really cute rental homes that are directly behind where Doug works. 

just saying...

:) 
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input please.

some thoughts are spending a lot of time in my head. 

num. 1:
we are meeting with a realtor tomorrow to discuss putting our house on the market to sell.  we are hoping and praying for a successful sale and to find a bigger, and cheaper, place to rent to increase our flexibility in the future for job stuff for Doug.

1. will you pray for us? 
2.  do you have any really great hints about selling a house?  anything to avoid?

num. 2:
i am thinking A LOT about what i want my business to look like in 2011.  i am continually blown away and grateful that i am able to do what i love (sew) while i do what i love (be with my kids).  for the first time ever i am thinking long and hard about "opening the doors" again.  do i really want to? do i need to? can i while i am selling this house where the dining room IS my craft room? 

any thoughts on that?   

and num. 3:
be sure to head over to enter to win $100.  i mean..it's one hundred dollars.  who can't use that?  and from THIS PAGE you can get to the page where you can enter to win on other blogher blogs. :)
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doug's gift.

somehow...and i still can't believe that i was able to do it...i both completed a gigantic quilt in time to give doug for Christmas AND he had no idea it was coming!!  it was hard to keep secret...i had to work early in the morning and late into the nights sometimes.  sometimes working super sick...but knowing i had to utilize every moment i had that doug wasn't around.
 i was sure to cover my tracks well...throwing away scraps and hiding the quilt in progress deep in the depths of my messy craft closet. 
 All the fabrics from the front and binding are from etsy and hawthornethreads.com.  for the back i used a queen sized sheet...using the sheet saved me about 50% in cost. :)
 i basically cut all my fabrics into varying widths of strips...and sewed them all together...and cut the strips in thirds...then mixed them up and off set them for a wonky bar code type of pattern. 
i made it all up as i went.
 to quilt it i just did wide parallel lines.  i wanted to keep it simple because i thought it went best with the quilt and i really didn't have time to do an intricate quilting pattern.
 and as doug requested, there is a cozy, fuzzy, 30in foot pocket at the bottom.  i attached it to the quilt before i did the binding and then binded it right on. 
 i can't tell you how happy it makes me to have really surprised him!  he swears he had no idea but i just cant believe i pulled it off.
having surprised him with something that he really loves...is the best gift that i think i have ever gotten. :)
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best Christmas ever.

Quote from bedtime on Christmas eve from Moses:
Mom, I like myrrh.  Do you like myrrh?
 Santa gave us a sweet hoho for Christmas.  He was only naughty for about 45 minutes during the whole day...spread into super condensed naughtiness over 12 hours.  :)

 *this is a real face*
 he got a bike!
 Moses had monkey bread and m&m's for lunch.  
And I only know that because Doug let me know...at about 3pm.  Oops.


 Moses took to his bike like he had been riding his whole life. :)


Moses prayed for dinner and included "And thank you for the best Christmas ever".

And it was. 

xo
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the greatest story ever told.

 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.  And everyone went to their own town to register.
  So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David.  He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.  While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born,  and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.
  And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.  An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them,

“Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 

“Glory to God in the highest heaven,
   and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.” 

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”
  So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child,  and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them.  But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.  The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. 

Merry Christmas! 
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in a nutshell.

Because I have 24 minutes before my laptop dies I am challenging myself 
to make this succinct and to the point. 

In regards to my devastation a few posts back...I have had my cry.  I grieved my dream.  And crazy as it may sound...I am have moved on to the "up by the bootstraps" phase.  There is a tiny part of me that has continued to scream "IF YOU THINK THAT WAS THE BEST THING FOR YOU AND GOD SAID NO...THEN JUST WAIT AND SEE WHAT GOD DOES".  

22minutes.

Somehow it was still a small voice.  But it is getting louder ever day.   Somehow I am taking deep breaths and KNOWING, not just hoping, that it will be OK.  

I have been pondering my journey to this place where I have lost hope...wondering how I have gone from an eager optimist...to a pessimist with no hope.  And could only think of one thing that has gotten me this far.  Hurt.  Piled on hurt, piled on hurt, piled on hurt.  All heaped high on a big platter.  That for whatever reason continued to pile up and not go away.  And I was carrying it.  And it was heavy. Things that I can't go into detail here that range from family to friends to churches.  

20 minutes.  

Well I am dumping it.  I am tossing that platter and finding a pretty new plate.  
Preferably a red and aqua one with polka dots, please. 

Because I have always known that my LIFE, if not my location, is awesome.  I have a great life, with a great husband, and great kids and I serve an Awesome God. 

I have always known that God is good and that He is in control and that His plans are best.  

Some switch has been thrown and I am praying that it doesn't flutter.  I NEED to stay in this place where things slide off like butter and don't stick like gum. 

17 minutes. 

On that note...
We have decided to sell our house.  Even if we are going to continue to live in this city, we need more space, more room for these boys to grow, for my business to grow, for life to progress.  We need some prayers for a good sale.  

But, for now, we are taking deep breaths.  Trusting God.  And enjoying the experience of Christmas with two wild and crazy sweet little boys.  We will count our blessings and we will eat too much food.  We will make this the best Christmas that we will ever have in 2010. 

12 minutes.
Now 9 because I was editing. 

I am thankful for your kind words and emails.  I am thankful for people who can love me at my worst...it makes sharing my best all the more wonderful.  

I pray that you have a very Merry Christmas...and that the true Joy of the season will saturate you.  

5 minutes.

xo
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what i wish. num 16.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #16: 

~*~
What I wish I could tell you.....is that you have no idea how great he is. I mean, you do, because you have two other children, but in my eyes, you really do have no idea. He is everything I could have ever hoped for in a child....he's energetic, he's full of life, he's silly, he's brave, he's tenderhearted, he's so loving, he's perfect...really, he is.
I wish I could tell you that I think you are brave and I wish you could know that I really think that other than it being the "right" thing to say at that moment. To watch me walk in your hospital room, only  minutes after giving birth to him, and pick him up must have been gut wrenching, but you did just that. You watched me feed him, you watched me love on him, you watched me take my first picture with him.
I wish I could tell you that in my heart, I could never love him like you did. We watched you walk out of that hospital that day with nothing while we were taking home our miracle. I honestly think that decision you made to give him to us is more love than we could ever try to show him in our lifetime. I promise with all that is in me that I will tell him of your love and how much you loved him. We already do. And while he doesn't completely understand yet, I know that God is working on his heart so that he can understand one day.
I wish I could tell you that I adore him and love him and you could know that he feels like mine. God started working on my heart long before he was born and just because I didn't give birth to him doesn't mean I don't love him and cherish him like I did.
I wish I could tell your sister who stood at the nursery window and watched him get his first bath while we also watched that we love him. She was so skeptical of the whole thing - she didn't want to see her nephew go to another home. I understand her feelings. But I wish she could see us with him, how we love him, how we adore him, how much EVERYONE loves him, then I think she would understand your decision. I think she would finally know you made the right decision.
I wish I could tell you so much more than this. I wish I could tell you that I think of you everyday. I know we send you updates yearly on him, but when someone else reads them before you do to make sure we didn't give away "identifying information" it just doesn't seem as real or heartfelt. We love you and are have been so blessed by your decision.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. There is nothing I could do to ever tell you enough or show you enough how much your decision means to ALL of us.
~*~

Want a turn to share?  Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com. 
Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.
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devastation.

You know...I hesitated a lot to share this.  

Only because so many times on this journey I am on, I have shared, only to be scolded about how ungrateful I am...how un -God glorifying I am.  I don't believe those things about myself...but it causes just enough of a sting to make me wince.   

But you know what? This is my journey...and to me...documenting the trail is just as important as the end result to me.  I want to be able to trace my finger along the path that God has taken me once we get to that "Ah-ha!" moment.  

Yesterday we found out that a position we were hoping Doug would get was given to someone else.  It was a position that would have taken us home.  HOME.  And it was ripped right out from under us.  My chest was tight for the rest of the day.  I cried and grieved for hours.  It was and is SO painful to know that we will continue to be trapped here in Cville for who knows how long.  I truly hate this place.  It is a painful, ugly reminder to me of so many hurts at this point.  So many rejections and so much pain.  I can't wait to leave this place in the rear view mirror forever. 
But now I have no idea when that will be.  

While I struggle to understand the point of it all...I KNOW that God has a plan for us.  Even among the tears I am hearing the small whisper that is telling us to "wait".  I KNOW that there is something good waiting for us.  And now we have to figure out what to do in the meantime. 

Do we put our house on the market and then rent a house to make ourselves more mobile?
Do we stay at a church that we are OK with but our children LOVE? 

I honestly don't think I have it in me to start again at a new church.  Even though there are things that bother me about the church that we are at...I feel like those things are things that we will find at any church we visit in this area.  I think they many be Cville things.  

I honestly don't know how I can continue from one day to the next here.  It's a struggle that I can't explain...I think you would have to have been in a similar position to know what it is like to be stuck somewhere that you don't belong.  I don't feel abandoned by God...I don't feel forgotten.  I know that He has carried me this far and that He will continue to do so.  

It is just the unknown that hurts.  
The longing for close friends.  The need to feel loved by my pastor.  The want to be part of a community and not shut out by closed groups of people.  The want to be with people who put faith in action.  

I told Doug yesterday that I am beyond empty.  
I am so far below the "E" mark that I can't even see it anymore.  
And I see no near filling station.     

I am just praying that the bottom is near so that we can begin the climb out and up.  

For now I am trying to focus on Christmas...and the great news that brings.  I am trying to be merry for my children so that their lives are not effected by my struggle.

For now, I remind myself that God is in control...that He has a plan...that He is trying to get me where He wants me...

For now I recite Psalm 27:14
Wait with hope for the LORD. 
Be strong, and let your heart be courageous. 
Yes, wait with hope for the LORD.

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what i wish. num 15.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #15: 

~*~
I wish I could tell you that, sometimes, I question who you are. Sometimes, I wish I had made a different decision seven years ago.

I am still so in love with that eighteen year old boy who was so full of faith and drive and potential. I don't see that faith anymore. It makes me so sad that that part of you seems to have disappeared. I don't know if your education has challenged it or if you simply have grown away from it. I wish I could tell you, it seems like you have lost part of yourself.

You are brilliant. You are the smartest person I know, but in so many ways, you are foolish. You take all of us for granted. You have a wife who loves you more than you will ever know and three beautiful daughters who think you are the most amazing thing in the world. But, you are too busy. Too busy with work and finding time for yourself to see that we are all just waiting. Just sitting here waiting to be important to you again. Your girls are growing so fast. They are learning so much everyday and getting so big.

I wish I could tell you how amazing they are. Your girls. They are so full of life and wonder. I see it being crushed in them, though. Not just by you, by me, too. I am getting burnt out doing so much of this on my own. I wish I could tell you that I pray that they don't marry men like you. I pray they find men who love them just as they are. Just as God made them. Men who will love them and show them they love them.

I wish I could tell you how much I still hurt over the baby we lost. How much I question if I did something to cause that loss.

I wish I could tell you how isolated I am here. We are finally close to family and, because of you, I am more alone than ever.

I am not perfect. There is no question in my mind about that. I loose my temper, I get upset, I make mistakes. I know I do, you are quick to point them out. Not all of our problems are your fault. I bring my own basket of crazy to the table. I wish I could tell you, though, that when you think I am mad, I am usually just sad and hurt. I wish you knew how much I hate for you to see me vulnerable. Even after all this time and all we've been through.

I wish I could tell you the world is not black and white. No matter how badly you want it to be that way. There are not always clear rights and wrongs. You have to accept the shades of gray.

Most of all, I wish I could tell you how much I miss you. I miss being happy with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss feeling loved by you.
~*~

Want a turn to share?  Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com. 
Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.
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