what i wish. num 15.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #15: 

~*~
I wish I could tell you that, sometimes, I question who you are. Sometimes, I wish I had made a different decision seven years ago.

I am still so in love with that eighteen year old boy who was so full of faith and drive and potential. I don't see that faith anymore. It makes me so sad that that part of you seems to have disappeared. I don't know if your education has challenged it or if you simply have grown away from it. I wish I could tell you, it seems like you have lost part of yourself.

You are brilliant. You are the smartest person I know, but in so many ways, you are foolish. You take all of us for granted. You have a wife who loves you more than you will ever know and three beautiful daughters who think you are the most amazing thing in the world. But, you are too busy. Too busy with work and finding time for yourself to see that we are all just waiting. Just sitting here waiting to be important to you again. Your girls are growing so fast. They are learning so much everyday and getting so big.

I wish I could tell you how amazing they are. Your girls. They are so full of life and wonder. I see it being crushed in them, though. Not just by you, by me, too. I am getting burnt out doing so much of this on my own. I wish I could tell you that I pray that they don't marry men like you. I pray they find men who love them just as they are. Just as God made them. Men who will love them and show them they love them.

I wish I could tell you how much I still hurt over the baby we lost. How much I question if I did something to cause that loss.

I wish I could tell you how isolated I am here. We are finally close to family and, because of you, I am more alone than ever.

I am not perfect. There is no question in my mind about that. I loose my temper, I get upset, I make mistakes. I know I do, you are quick to point them out. Not all of our problems are your fault. I bring my own basket of crazy to the table. I wish I could tell you, though, that when you think I am mad, I am usually just sad and hurt. I wish you knew how much I hate for you to see me vulnerable. Even after all this time and all we've been through.

I wish I could tell you the world is not black and white. No matter how badly you want it to be that way. There are not always clear rights and wrongs. You have to accept the shades of gray.

Most of all, I wish I could tell you how much I miss you. I miss being happy with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss feeling loved by you.
~*~

Want a turn to share?  Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com. 
Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.
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attention please. :)

I will be closing the shop tomorrow at around 4pm and it will stay closed until...well until I feel like opening it back up after Christmas or maybe after New Years. :)

The last day I will be shipping this year is December 20th.  

Currently you can get 60% off of all items marked "RTS" or "CHRISTMAS" by entering the coupon code "CHRISTMAS60"

And I want to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you who have supported me over this last year...your support and encouragement means more to me than you can know.  I am SO blessed to be able to do what I LOVE to do and be able to help my little family financially along the way.  So thank you.  I truly, truly appreciate your support. 

xo
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snow!

 We got just enough snow the other day for the boys to play in...about 3-4in or so.  Uncle B was already here for Moses' preschool Christmas program...which was awesome in more ways than one...for example, Uncle B LIKES to play in the snow...me...not so much. :)
 Hoho as cute as ever.
The boys came in after over an HOUR out in that mess...I mean, snow. :)

Have you gotten snow yet?
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button Christmas tree art.

 Today's craft will have to be done over two days...day one you make the tree and day two you assemble it...total time to make it doesn't take that long you just have to wait for glue to dry. :)


 Some things you will need:
buttons
cardboard triangle and size or shape you would like
frame that is bigger than your tree shape
piece of fabric cut to fit your frame with iron-on backing ironed on
glue (white and hot)
glitter
embroidery thread
 I started by covering my cardboard tree shape with glue, any thick white glue would work.
 Then I had Moses (and Doug) cover the glue with buttons...adding more glue when necessary.  I did mostly green but you could do any number of color combos.
 When the triangle was covered and the glue was dry enough...I added a coat of mod-podge and covered it with glitter.  I let it dry over night at this point.
 Then, I got Moses to write "joy" for me...and traced it onto my fabric using embroidery tracing paper...then stitched over that in red.
 I assembled my frame by first hot gluing the fabric into the frame...then adding the glass then the frame backing...then using more hot glue, I glued the tree in place. 
 A cute cooperative effort...if I do day so myself. :)


 You could also stop with the tree and add a ribbon to hang it as an ornament.  I think it would make a great little gift for a teacher or relative.

Happy crafting!
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check it out...


We interrupt craft week here to give you a heads up.  

Some of you may wonder about Blogher...the main sponsor of my lovely blog...but I would bet that many of you are not too sure about what makes Blogher, Blogher.  Have you been over to Blogher?

It's a community.  Of people who share life, love, ideas, crafts, thoughts, opinions, encouragement and so much more.  On Blogher you can find how-to's and recipes and input on just about anything you can think of .

I generally enjoy the featured stories that pop up if you become a fan of Blogher on Facebook.  There are always good stories to read on the main page as well.  Gift guides, advice columns and thoughtful content from women all over the world.  It always feels like a very encouraging, empowering community of ladies.

I recently read "The ten stages of blogging", an article written by a fellow Blogher member.  Just one of many interesting stories in a sea of good reading material.  I admit...I often get lost there...just reading and browsing.  It's a great way to find new blogs. 

And there always seem to be some sort of great giveaways going on...ones that you will only find at Blogher. 

Explore BlogHer.com and Win a BlogHer '11 Conference Pass!


 
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snowman pops.

I found today's craft on Flexible Dreams. 
I thought they would be a good treat for Moses to take as a gift for his friends at school...and who doesn't like to play with food?
 You will need:
large marshmallows
wooden skewers
black frosting or brown 
(in a tube with a tip-I had wanted to use an edible pen but couldn't find just one)
oreos minus the cream
orange tic tac or orange icing for nose
rolos
fruit tape
stick pretzels
 Moses' job was to skewer the marshmallows...three on a stick.
then...using the frosting as "glue"...stick an oreo lid on top of the snowman
...then "glue" a rolo on top of that
...stick pretzels in for arms
...cut a 6-7in piece of fruit tape in half lengthwise and wrap around as a scarf
...add eyes, mouth and buttons on...add nose.  and done.
 A little tip for you...in order to let things dry standing up, I taped two empty cereal boxes together and poked holes all the way through with a knife, then stuck a skewer in each hole.
I think these would be super cute for a kids Christmas party...or birthday party. :)

Cute, happy, fun and easy. 

:)
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baby Jesus envy.

 Today's craft is brought to you today by my baby Jesus envy. 
Several of my friends on facebook have children that go to the same preschool as Moses but have different teachers.  All of their children got to make these adorable baby Jesus' in class...and I was totally jealous.  Until I realized that we could make our own.  
We started by reading a story about baby Jesus.   
 Here is how we did it...first I used some heavy muslin fabric and sewed a simple peg shape (rectangle with a rounded top...I left the bottom open, turned it right side up and let the boys stuff their babies with filling.  Then I sewed the bottom closed.
 I think the ones at the preschool were made by using a pantyhose filled and tied off...but for some reason the idea of using a pantyhose completely weirded me out.  But you could do it that way if you are more normal than I am and don't want to sew a stitch.

 Then I let Moses draw a face and some hair on his.  Be sure to check on a scrap of fabric to see if your marker will bleed...I used sharpies and had no problem.
Then cover a small box with brown paper...make sure your Jesus can fit inside.
 Then we shredded some yellow construction paper for hay.
 Then cut a square out of chenille...you can use any fabric you have...to wrap Him up in.
 The boys REALLY loved doing this craft.
Neither Hoho nor baby Jesus have ever been so cute.

xo
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make these now! handprint snowman ornament. :)

 I'm trying to be a good mom this week and do a bunch of Christmas crafts with the boys...I'm hoping to have the turn out well enough to share here...so you can join in the fun. :) I promise they will all be EASY and not take too much time. :)

First up are these adorable five finger snowmen.  I found the tutorial over on Full of Great Ideas and thought they were ADORABLE and perfect for my boys age.
 Here is what you need...plus one black and one orange sharpie.  My snowman making technique is a little different than the original tutorial. :)  
white acrylic craft paint
sponge brush
round ornaments (i used glass ones from Target)
egg carton for drying
 I painted each boys right hand...
 ...then placed the ornament in the palm of their hand...then told them to hold it like a ball for one second then open their hand back up.  They did it perfectly with no problem...even hoho. :)
 Repeat with all of your ornaments and children.  A little tip...if you are doing two children...maybe do the left hand of one and right hand of the other...makes it a little easier to keep track of tiny hands. :) 
 Once the paint is dry...go back in and add your snowman details. :)
 They all end up being cute...no matter how wonky. :)
 Event the thumb. :)
 Be sure to write the name and year on the bottom.
 Cute. Cute. Cute.
 Some of hoho's snowmen were a little wispy...but still cute.
 Add a ribbon...
Add a ribbon and hang or give. :) We are giving one to each of Moses' teachers.

Have fun! Be sure to tell me if you try these so I can come see. :) 

xo
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the perfect gift.

My love language is gifts.  Do you know what yours is? You can go HERE to take a test and find out...and if you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it...it is a great resource for learning how to best show others that you care about them by loving on them in a way that makes THEM feel loved.  It really is one of those "change your life" kind of books.  

Anyway...since gifts is my love language...I kind of delight in finding the PERFECT gift for someone.  Something that I KNOW they will love...I am usually pretty good at it (I think)...but ironically I am pretty bad about finding that perfect gift for my own husband...I think that is because his perfect gift usually involves ginormous TV's or Yankee's season tickets... 

But back to my point...when I found out that you could personalize a Flip camera with a photo of your own...I KNEW just who would LOVE one, and would never buy one for themselves.  I can hardly stand the wait to give it to the lucky recipient.  Lucky for me we will have to give it to him this week because we won't see him again until after Christmas.

This gift is for our Uncle B...and it is perfect for him because 1) he is always taking footage of our boys...with a video camera that is old enough to kill someone with...and 2)he LOVES my boys.  I am not so secretly hoping that he will shed some man tears over it...but I won't need to see the to know that he will LOVE this gift. :) 

Have you ever been given a perfect gift?  What was it?
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come have a peek...

Photobucket

I got heather from blessed little nest to give my blog an overhaul...and I am quite pleased with the results.   Does your blog need some pretty?  Go give her a holler. :) You will be delighted.

Here's her SHOP.
And here is her darling BLOG.

:)
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to aunt jen.

video
This little ditty is for Aunt Jen...who we will see in a couple of days.  
Yes, Aaron is naked.  He likes it that way.  In exchange for that he DOES go pee on the potty regularly.  So there is that. 

Happy Birthday Jen!
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hissie vs conniption


Oy.  I'm tired.  Exhausted.  At my ends.  And that's the truth. 
This waiting and stretching is hard for me.  As I am sure waiting and stretching would be hard for anyone.  I have several friends that are all going through their own versions of waiting, too.  So it has been comforting to see and hear them all going through the same thing.  To hear of them "going through the fire" with me and seeing a reflection of the same issues and questions and hopes. 

And I am sure that some people don't get why we are so worked up about what we are waiting for.  I mean to them they see only a change of address.  What's the big deal?  To us...it is SO much more than that.  It is going HOME.  It is being part of a loving community.  It is what our hearts are longing for.  It is being near family...family that love our boys and would be (more) of a part of their lives.  

Though this waiting and waiting has been HARD, I know that it is worth it...if for nothing else but for the fact that I can feel God tugging on me...working on me...refining my character...making me into a HUGE mess as He works on my heart and soul.  

Me longing to leave here does not mean I am not thankful for what the Lord has blessed me with...I have made a point of using this time to make myself aware of all that I am blessed with.  I fall to sleep most nights just going through a list of everything I can think of to thank Him for...from food in the fridge to being able to buy new clothes.  I know I am blessed.  

I have also been thinking about how terrible I am at waiting.  And it is true.  I have terrible patience.  And I am tired.  I am tired of being told how to feel.  I am tired of so many people defending Charlottesville like it's where puppies were invented.  I am tired of being told how terrible I am for talking about God and the hard stuff I am dealing with all in the same breath.  I'm not bothered by any of that...because what's the purpose of a merciful God if I am already all "good"...I am just tired of hearing it.

I am tired of being told to "just pray God's will" like the thought had not occurred to me yet. 

I am thankful for the small group of friends that I can be real with and work through all this mess with.  I am thankful for a husband that is good and encouraging to me.  I am thankful that through all of this mess I can feel and KNOW that God is near to me...that He IS working on me.  I am thankful that I know that He has not forgotten me.  That He is teaching me in this moment.  

I feel like my first 18 year of life left me with a lot of rough spots...and it is moments like this that He is really working to smooth those out.  And leave me a better person in the end.   

I am thankful that I KNOW that in the end HIS will is the best.  That HE has a plan for me.  That all of this will be used for HIS good.  My brain knows all the right things.  It's my stupid girl emotions that are making everything a mess.  Making it nearly impossible for me to get through a day without a hissie and/or conniption fit depending on where you are from.  

So while it IS hard.  He is working.  I am learning.  He is shaping.  I am growing.  And for at least a brief moment or two during the day I have a peace that surpasses understanding and I know that all will be well before I know it.     

I feel like I am failing at everything...or being knocked down to be built up again. 

The best part of this whole ordeal...is that I have developed an unquenchable desire for His word wherever I can find it...since someone asked about which devotions I do I thought I would share my routine...You can click on all of titles for a link to sign up. It looks like a lot...but most don't take long to read...

In the morning before I get out of bed I read these on my phone while I listen to the boys waking up:
(written specifically for women comes every morning)
(comes once a week)
(comes once a week and hurts my head to read before coffee...I usually have to come back to this one)
(comes every morning)
This "The One Year Devotions for Women" at night along with my daily portion of The One year Bible.

I just finished reading Tortured for Christ.  You can click on that link to get a free copy...it's good for some perspective about how great life is here in the states.

So that's me. :)  I made it through another day.


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finished...

Just finished up this sweet custom order...it's done from her daughters original drawing. :) So precious and ready to frame.  I can do a couple more before Christmas...here's a listing if you are interested.

(Just so you know this particular artwork cost more than the listing in the shop because of all the detail...you can contact me for a price quote.)

Happy weekend!
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wishin.

 In parsley, please.  I broke my current hand mixer making a really thick recipe this fall. 
 This would be the first non-mom bag I have owned in four years.  Plus it will hold my camera so I won't have to lug a purse and a camera bag.  Teal, please.
 So I would never really want this...because my children would destroy it upon entry of my home.  But in wish land your children don't ruin the things you like best right?  From krita.
 This would indeed make me feel special. From vesselsandwares.
 I've needed an extra large one for some time.
And this would just make my life a little easier.
And money to spend here is always nice. :) 

A girl can dream can't she?
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