hissie vs conniption

Oy.  I'm tired.  Exhausted.  At my ends.  And that's the truth. 
This waiting and stretching is hard for me.  As I am sure waiting and stretching would be hard for anyone.  I have several friends that are all going through their own versions of waiting, too.  So it has been comforting to see and hear them all going through the same thing.  To hear of them "going through the fire" with me and seeing a reflection of the same issues and questions and hopes. 

And I am sure that some people don't get why we are so worked up about what we are waiting for.  I mean to them they see only a change of address.  What's the big deal?  To us...it is SO much more than that.  It is going HOME.  It is being part of a loving community.  It is what our hearts are longing for.  It is being near family...family that love our boys and would be (more) of a part of their lives.  

Though this waiting and waiting has been HARD, I know that it is worth it...if for nothing else but for the fact that I can feel God tugging on me...working on me...refining my character...making me into a HUGE mess as He works on my heart and soul.  

Me longing to leave here does not mean I am not thankful for what the Lord has blessed me with...I have made a point of using this time to make myself aware of all that I am blessed with.  I fall to sleep most nights just going through a list of everything I can think of to thank Him for...from food in the fridge to being able to buy new clothes.  I know I am blessed.  

I have also been thinking about how terrible I am at waiting.  And it is true.  I have terrible patience.  And I am tired.  I am tired of being told how to feel.  I am tired of so many people defending Charlottesville like it's where puppies were invented.  I am tired of being told how terrible I am for talking about God and the hard stuff I am dealing with all in the same breath.  I'm not bothered by any of that...because what's the purpose of a merciful God if I am already all "good"...I am just tired of hearing it.

I am tired of being told to "just pray God's will" like the thought had not occurred to me yet. 

I am thankful for the small group of friends that I can be real with and work through all this mess with.  I am thankful for a husband that is good and encouraging to me.  I am thankful that through all of this mess I can feel and KNOW that God is near to me...that He IS working on me.  I am thankful that I know that He has not forgotten me.  That He is teaching me in this moment.  

I feel like my first 18 year of life left me with a lot of rough spots...and it is moments like this that He is really working to smooth those out.  And leave me a better person in the end.   

I am thankful that I KNOW that in the end HIS will is the best.  That HE has a plan for me.  That all of this will be used for HIS good.  My brain knows all the right things.  It's my stupid girl emotions that are making everything a mess.  Making it nearly impossible for me to get through a day without a hissie and/or conniption fit depending on where you are from.  

So while it IS hard.  He is working.  I am learning.  He is shaping.  I am growing.  And for at least a brief moment or two during the day I have a peace that surpasses understanding and I know that all will be well before I know it.     

I feel like I am failing at everything...or being knocked down to be built up again. 

The best part of this whole ordeal...is that I have developed an unquenchable desire for His word wherever I can find it...since someone asked about which devotions I do I thought I would share my routine...You can click on all of titles for a link to sign up. It looks like a lot...but most don't take long to read...

In the morning before I get out of bed I read these on my phone while I listen to the boys waking up:
(written specifically for women comes every morning)
(comes once a week)
(comes once a week and hurts my head to read before coffee...I usually have to come back to this one)
(comes every morning)
This "The One Year Devotions for Women" at night along with my daily portion of The One year Bible.

I just finished reading Tortured for Christ.  You can click on that link to get a free copy...it's good for some perspective about how great life is here in the states.

So that's me. :)  I made it through another day.


April@ Natural Nester said...

"I am tired of so many people defending Charlottesville like it's where puppies were invented." This made me chuckle because I've been there! Not to Charlottesville, but I was in a church where everyone thinks it's THE best church in town...that there's no other place to be...that it is simply insane to stop going there and go somewhere else. And you know, when we finally got up the courage and listened to God's leading and left, we found out life could be better than we ever imagined it. Turns out, that place is only THE best church in town IF it's where God's called you to be. :)

I think sometimes people work so hard to defend a place because they somehow feel that by you leaving it means they might be in the wrong place, too.

Anyway, I'm praying for you friend. I know God's walking you through this and I know it's painful. That probably doesn't help any, but at least know that a sister far away is thinking of you and praying for you.

Jennifer said...

I think it's so funny when people get offended because you make a different choice than them. I've not ever been to Charlottesville but I'm sure it's fantastic. So are a million other places on earth. To prefer one over another does not put any of them down! It is the same with which college we go to, which church we attend, etc. Not every single person can go to the same church, go to the same school, live in the exact same house, on the same streen, or even the exact same room in that house, on that street. I go through that each year as our youth graduate and have to find their own path. Not their friends' path, their older siblings' path, or even their parents' path. I loved the college I went to. It is fabulous but that does not mean it is the right place for everyone. I'm probably preaching to the choir but what I really mean is hang in there. Waiting sucks. We know God's time is perfect but we are still human and the waiting, the trials, the growing, it's still hard. So hugs through the computer screen. This part will all be much easier when it's all said and done and you can look back on it.

Amy Bell said...

just a little note...that although we are both waiting for answers...we wait together. i know we have a God who hears us....
much love to you.

KMonti said...

I'm somewhat there with you. Not in the moving sense, but in the relationships with family sense. I'm struggling. I'm impatient for change. Most days I get by without any trouble. Some days I am angry. It wasn't until very recently that I realized that being angry about things is okay. God doesn't tell us not to be angry. He says be slow to it {thoughtful about your reasons for it} and that, when you're there, in those moments, "don't sin". I realize dwelling on it is wrong because it leads to bitterness but there are some days and some situations and with some people that you're going to be angry and irritated ... and that, in itself, is just fine.

Karen said...

Thanks for sharing the links to the devotionals. And thanks for sharing from your heart on your blog. I'm reminded of the Psalms, where the authors were honest with God about how they were feeling but still gave Him glory.

Courtney said...

random: is the recipe for the cookies in your header in your blog somewhere??

Heather at Blessed Little Nest said...

i appreciate how you are able to share the REAL way that like looks for you. so few are willing to do that and i long to hear those words. i know what it has felt like in my own life for God to break me apart so He can stitch me back together and it is some of the hardest work a person can ever do. but it's also the most rewarding and i'm so glad that you get a glimpse of that, even during these difficult days, so that it can help you to keep going. i pray that in the midst of this trial God sits beside you every minute of every day, because through Him you will make it through.

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