devastation.

You know...I hesitated a lot to share this.  

Only because so many times on this journey I am on, I have shared, only to be scolded about how ungrateful I am...how un -God glorifying I am.  I don't believe those things about myself...but it causes just enough of a sting to make me wince.   

But you know what? This is my journey...and to me...documenting the trail is just as important as the end result to me.  I want to be able to trace my finger along the path that God has taken me once we get to that "Ah-ha!" moment.  

Yesterday we found out that a position we were hoping Doug would get was given to someone else.  It was a position that would have taken us home.  HOME.  And it was ripped right out from under us.  My chest was tight for the rest of the day.  I cried and grieved for hours.  It was and is SO painful to know that we will continue to be trapped here in Cville for who knows how long.  I truly hate this place.  It is a painful, ugly reminder to me of so many hurts at this point.  So many rejections and so much pain.  I can't wait to leave this place in the rear view mirror forever. 
But now I have no idea when that will be.  

While I struggle to understand the point of it all...I KNOW that God has a plan for us.  Even among the tears I am hearing the small whisper that is telling us to "wait".  I KNOW that there is something good waiting for us.  And now we have to figure out what to do in the meantime. 

Do we put our house on the market and then rent a house to make ourselves more mobile?
Do we stay at a church that we are OK with but our children LOVE? 

I honestly don't think I have it in me to start again at a new church.  Even though there are things that bother me about the church that we are at...I feel like those things are things that we will find at any church we visit in this area.  I think they many be Cville things.  

I honestly don't know how I can continue from one day to the next here.  It's a struggle that I can't explain...I think you would have to have been in a similar position to know what it is like to be stuck somewhere that you don't belong.  I don't feel abandoned by God...I don't feel forgotten.  I know that He has carried me this far and that He will continue to do so.  

It is just the unknown that hurts.  
The longing for close friends.  The need to feel loved by my pastor.  The want to be part of a community and not shut out by closed groups of people.  The want to be with people who put faith in action.  

I told Doug yesterday that I am beyond empty.  
I am so far below the "E" mark that I can't even see it anymore.  
And I see no near filling station.     

I am just praying that the bottom is near so that we can begin the climb out and up.  

For now I am trying to focus on Christmas...and the great news that brings.  I am trying to be merry for my children so that their lives are not effected by my struggle.

For now, I remind myself that God is in control...that He has a plan...that He is trying to get me where He wants me...

For now I recite Psalm 27:14
Wait with hope for the LORD. 
Be strong, and let your heart be courageous. 
Yes, wait with hope for the LORD.

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27 comments:

Donna said...

::Hugs::

Happy Homemaker said...

We are in the exact position. It breaks my heart when my husband is so disappointed and hurt from being rejected(3 times) for a job he was told he already had that would give us a chance to go home. That still small voice saying 'wait' hurts right now. Hurts because I know my desire should be to be in the center of His will, even if that means stuck here in this crap hole of a place, but the humanity in me desperately wants to be home among people we can trust and who love our kids and us. I have no friends besides my husband. Haven't since we got married due to moves and feeling so incredibly isolated in this crap hole. I'll be praying for your family just as I pray for mine, that in this situation we find ourselves in that we dont like, that we find comfort in doing His will and waiting on Him.

SarahinSC said...

I understand. I was "trapped" in a city I hated everything about (except one good friend and one nice park). No matter how hard I tried to belong in this city, I did not. We moved about 1.5 years into living there. We basically up and left. I LOVE where I'm at now and despite the financial loss of moving, I'm so glad we did it. Is there any way possible to get out and start again?

Stephanie said...

Thanks for being honest. This is your place to share whatever you want - don't feel bad about it.
It is hard to wait on the Lord. We just have to trust that He knows what He's doing!
I hope you feel His peace this Christmas!

Biz said...

Oh how I can understand where you are coming from. I will be praying for you and your family during this time of waiting and wanting. I know that you are aware of God's love for you and I want you to know that your brutal honesty here is refreshing to those of us who understand you. I am sending you a big warm hug! I hope your week gets better.
Have a Blessed Tuesday,
Biz
http://busybizblogs.blogspot.com/

Siobhan said...

I understand. You hope and you pray and still feel like you're taking every hit on the chin, and that you just can't take another hit. We moved here over 7 years ago and I don't have any friends. I have neighbors who are friendly but nobody like the group of friends that I left at home. My husband is hard working and honest and we've had a terrible year because of greedy people and a government that supports them while taxing the honest person to death. I want to sleep until things get better but wake from nightmares. Don't be afraid to share your journey. Being hurt and bruised doesn't mean that you aren't grateful; it just means that you hurt just as much as everybody else. Big hugs and prayers going out to you.

Diana said...

I am so sorry you are hurting and sad.

Diana

Gordostyle said...

My heart aches for you! I'm so sorry! But you're carried by God, just like you said... and this is meant to be. Our timing is never ever His. Keep your chin up... your time will come.

Merry Christmas to your cute family!
Jen

Launa said...

Oh, hon, just know that there are a lot of other people in very, very similar positions (ahem, here!) Just cling to that verse and remember God is good and he does have a plan for your lives!(Jer.29:11)
It's also okay to feel sad about it all. God gave you those emotions. Just make sure you move past them as as soon as you can onto the better things he has for you.

Launa said...

Oh hon, just know that there are other people who are in very, very similar positions right now who are struggling with a lot of the same issues (ahem, here) so thanks for being honest. Just cling to that verse, to the fact that God is good and he has a plan for your lives (Jer. 29:11)

I also tried to post a few minutes ago and it disappeared or something so sorry if this is a duplicate!

Jennifer said...

I have been where you are. I understand your frustration and pain. Wish I could give you a big 'ole HUG!

Have you ever heard to Bible Study Fellowship (BSF)? It is a non-denominational, intensive bible study where there is no talk of church stuff, just GOD and what His word says. I think something like BSF would be a great thing for you. Maybe to connect you with some others who would encourage you and lift you up. There is a small group time and a large group time. Google BSF and you can search if there is a group in your town/area. You would be encouraged, lifted up, and filled with God's word, and challenged by His Spirit. Right now we are studying the book of Isaiah, it is so good! (Every BSF all over the U.S. and internationally, study the same thing at the same time.) There are introductory classes once a month and you can just jump in whenever.

Anyway, just a thought. I hope the Lord fills you with His peace. Trust that He really has it all under control. Trust Him, He is ALWAYS faithful. :)

Erica said...

Hang in there Crystal. Our family has experienced our share of wandering in the desert. Suddenly after the birth of our oldest we were denied visas to live in the country we called home. Devastated is just the tip of the iceburg to what we were feeling. We were told we would be unable to return for 5 years, that was crushing to know the place we called home we could no longer even visit, we couldn't say goodbye to dear friends, couldn't even go and pack up our home. I remember calling out to God, wondering why he even lead us to live there if we couldn't even live there. There were some really low days, but Father walked us through each of them, he slowly opened my heart to a new church family and a new city. I will pray that you find space in your heart for C-ville, and that Father gives you the desire of your heart. I want to encourage you he hears you, comforts your pain, and you never know what he has in store for your family. Merry Christmas!

virginia said...

Word. 'home' 'wait' 'trapped' 'devastation' so there with you! thanks for the verse

carlisle clan conversation... said...

Praying for you in your waiting! {hugs}

John Waller, "While I'm Waiting"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6X71sXagUY

Ellen - SkoMomma said...

I'm glad you shared your feelings despite your concern about what people might say. Now we know and so we can pray for you and your family.

Christmas Blessings..

Judy said...

I am sooo sorry.

Tara said...

Hoping things look up for you soon. Love reading your blog! Wishing you and your family a Merry Christmas and a bright New Year!

Amanda said...

I wish I could say "I know exactly how you feel, I've been there" as so many are saying. I can't. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've said before that some may see this and say "there are a lot worse things going on", but this IS your struggle right now. So, I will pray for you. I don't think the issues you are having at church(es) are a c'ville thing (keep in mind, I don't even live in c'ville.) I think it's a "people are human everywhere you go, and only Jesus will NEVER disappoint" thing. I love our church in c'ville. I also see short-comings in it. Then I look in the mirror and realize I am a part of those short-comings and Jesus still loves me.

I pray you can somehow have a Merry Christmas in celebrating Jesus' birth.

Love to you,
Amanda

Jennie said...

I love your openness, your willingness to share YOUR life and YOUR story with people you know and don't know. I say it's your blog & if people don't like what you post, they don't have to read it. I appreciate it and think your feelings and situation is all very normal. I think you are handling it in a very healthy way. Don't change you or what you do because of how someone else might react or what they might think. I am praying for you and your journey home- I SO hope you get there soon!

Courtney said...

i'm so sorry, crystal. i can relate to so many of your emotions...yet in such a different set of circumstances.

this verse has been in my head the last 2 days:
"THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH"

i am loving it. and clinging to it.

merry christmas!

Holly said...

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I know God has something great in store for you!

Courtenay said...

I've lived in places that I really disliked, places where I felt like I didn't belong. It's not a great feeling and I'm sorry you're in that position. Hang in there. You're doing all the right things to get your family where you belong. It will happen. In the meantime, know that you brought happiness into our little home with the delightful ornaments you made. I can't wait for my girls to see them on the 25th! -Courtenay

April said...

Thanks for your openness-I am sorry people have been quick to judge you! I know how you feel-I've been there. I know that doesn't always help to hear that-haha, but in that time, I really learned the meaning of being a stranger in this world-and that no place but Heaven is home. I'm not preaching at you-just sharing with you what I learned. I hope the Lord brings you peace and I am confident He will grow you closer to Him in this process!

Phyllis said...

So sorry you are going through this. Praying for you and your family.

Grace said...

Just wait, Crystal, something good is going to happen around the corner. God hasn't abandoned you and he will sprout a tree to give you shade, to give you comfort, and meet all your needs. Go to the church your children love, God will bless you for putting them first, and I do agree with Amanda that it is probably not a C-ville thing, but rather a humankind thing. We're not perfect, we're awful, yet someone thinks we're pretty special. God Loves you Crystal, and He knows what you need.
Love and Prayers,
Grace

kari said...

i know it is tough.... but we just had a father and his two daughters die in a head-on collision with a semi truck. so i guess we all need to count our blessings no matter what situation we are in. i feel so awful for the mother - girls were about 8 and 10. no one knows why he crossed the center line - he was a pharmacist - it was in the middle of the day. just awful. he was ejected and the girls burned in the car.... things like that make me appreciate all that i have.

god bless. kari

Jessica said...

we have had that same thing happen! i wish so much we'd NEVER purchased a house when we moved here because now we are so much more stuck :(
i just keep telling myself if/when it's time to go, we will.
doesn't make me like it any more, but as you said, trust in God.
have a merry christmas.
oh, and i didn't read all the comments or past comments, but if you and your hubbie are unhappy at your church...change. the kids will readjust and grow to love a new one just as much! just my two cents ;)

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