what i wish. num 9.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #9: 

What I wish I could tell you ...  is that the biggest hurt in my life right now is that we have been trying unsuccessfully for over a year to get pregnant.  I wish you could know that the biggest desire of my heart is to be a mother and to experience an element of love that I can only imagine right now, and to think that God does not have this desire for my life is a pain beyond expression.  I wish that in saying this, SOMEONE would know how I feel and share honest emotions with me.  I know that I am not alone, but I am alone in my circle of relationships.

Would you tell me that God still has the best in mind for me?  Would you tell me that His love is all that I need?  Would you tell me that I can find my only true source of satisfaction in life in HIM?  These things are true, and I know them, but I somehow have not been able to let them penetrate my soul in a way that takes away the pain.

I wish I could tell you that your comments, while well-meaning (I hope), just drive a little dagger into my heart.  When you ask just how long we're going to wait to start a family, or if we EVER want to have kids, or say things like, "you'll understand when you're a mother" ... these things hurt.

I wish I could tell you that every baby shower or birthday party I go to, every picture of your precious baby, every glowing report of the next milestone they have passed, while I truly AM happy for you ... if I was honest ... I'm also a little jealous.  And I seriously wish that that wasn't true, but I am human.

I just wish that this didn't cause me embarrassment.  That I could let everyone around me know of the pain in my heart without feeling drowned in pity.  I wish that I could say it straight when the topic comes up, rather than inching around the truth to try and appear normal when I feel anything but.  I thank God for my loving, understanding husband, but how would my life be different if I could tell you this?


Want a turn to share?  Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com. 
Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.


Christy said...

oh my Dear!! i totally understand the pain you feel! i know the feeling of hopelessness when someone says something like "all in God's timing." how guilty you feel because you WANT to believe them and believe God IS doing the best for you...but it just doesn't make sense for it to hurt this much, for all your hope to be put into a little pink + sign.

i couldn't go to baby showers. i hated going through the preschool area at church (but my job required it). i purposefully planned my walmart shopping to avoid the baby section. cute little pregnant women made me want to throw up (and sometimes want to shake them and scream "Why you...and not me?!") i didn't even like babies anymore because each one was a stab into my heart, reminding me of what I did not have!

there are no words to heal the hurt...no words to explain the wait. it's so hard to suffer alone in silence. but...know, you're not alone.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across this amazing blog, The Unsticky Uterus... http://findingfollicles.blogspot.com/
She puts herself out there to let others know that they are not alone. And you too, are not alone.

Amanda said...

wow, what a powerful post! I won't throw the "I know how you feel- how awful it can be" at you. I don't. I do know that I have heard stories just like this one, and God has done some BIG things! I believe this for you! And, you seem so strong even though I'm sure you don't feel it at times. May God bless you as you go through this difficult journey...I don't know your name, but God does; and I will pray for complete peace!

God bless you!

Tanna said...

I am so sorry you are dealing with this pain. I will pray for you. Big hug.

Laura said...

I'm in the same boat too. Me and my hubby has been trying on and off for about 5 years. Im approaching 30 and want a child of my own so bad. I know that I probably need to start seeking medical help for it but I keep hearing the same thing from everyone, it will happen in God's time or when its God's will. Well why can't He WILL me a child? Everyone else I know have easily gotten to experience this wonderful gift. Both my siblings have 2 kids each and all my friends are parents too. I hear you, I get so depressed having to go to parties and showers for people's kids. Even at Christmas I get that depressing feeling when I recieve Christmas cards with people's pictures with their kids. I keep wanting to be able to experience that.

I also am CONSTANTLY asked by family "when you going give us grandbabies or neices/nephews" I always try to brush it off but it feels like it ripes a big hole in my heart everytime the subjects brought up.

I will be praying for you and your husband, just as I pray for me and mine everyday, that God will give us the greatest blessing He can give us, a child.

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you. I too suffered for 2 years as I sat back and watched all my friends and family have these beautiful amazing babies. It wasnt fair - why not me??? I kept all our infertility troubles hidden inside (it was just too personal for me) and so I had the endless "what are you waiting for?" "relax and you will get preg", etc etc etc. I really wanted to shout out - NO! Relaxing wont help us =(
After 2 years we moved on to IVF and God blessed us with a beautiful baby - our true miracle in this life. No one knows he was an IVF baby but us - what does it matter how he came to be?

Not sure if fertilty treatments are an option for you but I wanted you to know you are not alone - your in my prayers ~

Jill said...

I know this pain. After trying for 3 years to get pregnant it seemed that EVERYONE around me was getting preganant and some who didn't even want to be. I know that pain of being out to dinner and seeing what looked to be a very happy family cooing over their baby. People in my family would say things like their must be a reason God doesn't want you to get pregnant, and I just felt awful when people would say things like this to me. I gave up on the idea of getting pregnant for nearly a year, and then I decided to go to the doctor and try one last time. Im not sure of your reason for not being able to convieve yet, but I had been on a few different kinds of fertility treatments many times to try and convieve, but this new doctor put me on two different fertility drugs at the same time and two months later I'm happy to report I was pregnant with twins. If this is your problem also feel free to contact me and I will tell you the names of the fertility drugs I was on if you're interested. I hope this helps!


Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. I'm in pretty much the exact same situation as you (we've been trying for about 10 months). In fact, I could have written this post myself as it's exactly what I am experiencing.

I know attempting to offer words of comfort often make the pain even worse because it's just so hard to understand WHY God doesn't have this in His plan for me right now, so I'm not going to.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad someone has the courage (even if anonymously) to share such deep feelings.

Anonymous said...

I understand, We tried to have our first child for almost two years. After seeking a medical professional, the one month I was stressed out at work and didn't think about it, it happened. We found out quickly it was twins. We were thrilled and felt doubly blessed. Then at our next sono we had lost one. I felt like "God we have already been though so much why more pain?" We did deliver a healthy beautiful baby girl. She is now two and we have tried for another. We have seven ladies at church who are currently expecting and I am happy for them, but struggle to find peace about it. We started trying again in Jan. and have had two more miscarriages. I want a baby SO bad. I see all these newborns and I can't hold them because I will just cry.
Saying all of that you are not alone. I feel your pain. I know there are no words that will come near to bringing you the comfort that our Almighty God can.

Remember this:
Be anxious for nothing, but by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests known to God. (I've read this a million times and it so hard what I love is the next verse)
And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:6-7
What I learned is God cares about the mind games I play with myself. He can give me peace in my mind too. My prayer for you is that you seek after this first and foremost and that God blesses you with this peace which we can't understand.

Susy said...

My heart hurts for everyone that is telling their unique story. But I'm grateful Crystal that you are providing a venue for them to share, receive comfort and prayer, and perhaps ease their pain a little.
Blessings to all.

Anonymous said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for FIVE years. Five painful, emotional, crazy years. We finally came to the decision to do fertility treatments. When the first one didn't work we decided to try again in a year. We thought about IVF, adoption, sperm donation and the one that felt right was using a sperm donor. Odd, I know, but we felt like that's what the plan was for us.
So we tried it and it worked. I'm 8 months pregnant with twin girls. Our 6 1/2 year marriage has never been better.
Faith is difficult and tricky. I definitely lost mine along our journey. When one of my best friends lost her first (and surprise baby....I was so bitter and jealous I didn't even go to her shower) at 38 weeks due to a cord knot, we both mourned and I gained back my faith. A month later my husband and I decided to go for the sperm donor. Three months later we were pregnant.
Everything happens for a reason. I HATED that phrase, mostly because I knew it was true and I hated my bitterness at not being pregnant. Keep your head up. Try and gain/keep your faith. I KNOW it's hard and I REALLY hope you get the happy ending you want! And know that you are not alone! :)

Anonymous said...

Bless your heart. I don't have any other words. Just God Bless your heart.

Fawnda@Fireflies and Jellybeans said...

Oh my sweet Anon #9- my heart breaks for you!

We tried for 2 years with no success...We did fertility treatments for 1 year with no success... it was hard to trust that God had a plan when my desire to be a mother was so overpowering and it was just not happening! I cried and yelled at God quite a bit myself! I just wanted to be part of the mommy club.

I kept most of the pain to myself, but I did end up telling a few choice people about it and asked them to help "protect me" from other's comments (especially at church- people mean well but have no clue sometimes!) This helped out A LOT.

We ended up adopting and I know that God had my children picked out for me LONG before I did.

I pray that soon you will be able to look back and see God through this hard time!

Estee said...

I was there too, I always knew I had problems because I never got my period unless it was by pills. Aparantly, I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).

Long story short, Doctors can make miracles.

But, we suffered from people's tactless remarks for a long time.

And now, that we have a son, it doesn't end here. Because he's 2 years old and why aren't we thinking about another? we are selfish, or so they say.

I stopped caring what people are saying and usually I turn around and leave. And anyway, they don't really want to hear about how I'm scared to start this all over again. How I was probed and prodded and stabbed by needles daily. They don't really care, they just want to satisfy their prying needs.

So, my advice, carry on, take a deep breath and try to love life. Think how lucky you are to live in a time when you can be treated. It takes time, it hurts both physicaly and emotionaly and you may feel like a sewlling crazy bat, but in the end, you'll get your bundle of joy.

Never forget that.

I swear, I know for me this is what helped. When I stopped thinking how miserable I was, it happened.

I wish you good luck.

With love

mama j said...

((Hugs)) Btdt. Felt your pain. I challenge you though-in the midst of this lonely journey--do you have more to loose by keeping your secret or by being honest w/ those around you? Sometimes, by being honest, we open up the door for others to reach us in our darkest "closets." Agai-btdt. When I miscarried I felt "all alone" but I didn't keep quiet about my pain after that and came to find out that MORE women around me understood my pain and loss, b/c they had "btdt" too, than I would've EVER had imagined. I was so glad after the fact-that I allowed myself to be vunerable and open. My husband was opposite-he thought we should be private about our loss and struggle to get pregnant (we since have two precious sons)--but I knew that my heart needed to heal by talking about it.

May God comfort you in each step of this journey. It's not an easy one, I know. ((Hugs))

Jennifer said...

Bless your heart. I went through some of the same things. We tried for 4 years and did 2 years of fertility treatments.

I was so hurt and angry. I couldn't understand why God was punishing me.

I taught kindergarten at the time and it broke my heart to see the kids that weren't cared for or loved in a way that I knew they should be. I heard people complaining about their children or complaining about being pregnant. I became very resentful. Baby showers were heartbreaking. I was happy for the person having the baby, but it was just a reminder of what other woman had that I just couldn't have. I actually found myself (while shopping for a baby shower) standing in the aisle glaring at a woman. She had a less than 2 year old in her cart and was pregnant. My heart was just so bitter that I truely disliked her based on the fact that she had what I so desparately wanted.

After stopping all treatments (my body just couldn't take anymore) we got pregnant about a year later. I learned that it is in God's time not mine. He had a plan.

I wish I had words that would heal your pain. Most advice given to me didn't help, some of it even made me feel worse. Please just know that you are not alone.

Jane said...

oh my heart aches for you!
keep trusting God and ask him to reveal the friends in your life who you can share this with. my best friend can't have children because of a heart condition and although she has one her dreams of a big family are gone. she says to me she feels as though she has let her husband and son down because she can't have another baby. BUT this is wrong and it's only through talking about these thoughts (and lots of prayer and time) that she's been able to shift her thinking and slowly be able to celebrate with friends/family as they have children.

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