what i wish. num 9.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #9: 

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What I wish I could tell you ...  is that the biggest hurt in my life right now is that we have been trying unsuccessfully for over a year to get pregnant.  I wish you could know that the biggest desire of my heart is to be a mother and to experience an element of love that I can only imagine right now, and to think that God does not have this desire for my life is a pain beyond expression.  I wish that in saying this, SOMEONE would know how I feel and share honest emotions with me.  I know that I am not alone, but I am alone in my circle of relationships.

Would you tell me that God still has the best in mind for me?  Would you tell me that His love is all that I need?  Would you tell me that I can find my only true source of satisfaction in life in HIM?  These things are true, and I know them, but I somehow have not been able to let them penetrate my soul in a way that takes away the pain.

I wish I could tell you that your comments, while well-meaning (I hope), just drive a little dagger into my heart.  When you ask just how long we're going to wait to start a family, or if we EVER want to have kids, or say things like, "you'll understand when you're a mother" ... these things hurt.

I wish I could tell you that every baby shower or birthday party I go to, every picture of your precious baby, every glowing report of the next milestone they have passed, while I truly AM happy for you ... if I was honest ... I'm also a little jealous.  And I seriously wish that that wasn't true, but I am human.

I just wish that this didn't cause me embarrassment.  That I could let everyone around me know of the pain in my heart without feeling drowned in pity.  I wish that I could say it straight when the topic comes up, rather than inching around the truth to try and appear normal when I feel anything but.  I thank God for my loving, understanding husband, but how would my life be different if I could tell you this?

 
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Want a turn to share?  Email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com. 
Feel free to comment and encourage or just relate and assure.
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