what i wish. num 8.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #8: 

~*~
I wish I could tell you...that everything is okay.  That I'm fine.  That I've never been better.  That my marriage is incredible and as strong as ever.  I wish I could say that our life is not what we expected but we love it anyway.  I wish I could tell the man I married that after you moved out, I didn't cry.  That I didn't go over the last few years of our life and wish I could change something...anything.   That even after 3 months, the pain still stings like the first time you said you didn't love me and it wasn't worth it.  I wish I could say that you tried these past few years to make our marriage stronger.  I wish I could say you were honest with me and yourself.  That you searched to make a better home life for our family and that our interest was the first on your list of priorities.  I wish I could tell everyone that my husband is kind, generous, thoughtful, strong in his relationship with God and is the most amazing father to 2 beautiful children.  But I can not.  I wish I could tell the man I married 7 years ago that he is making the biggest mistake of his life.  I wish I could tell him ,again, that marriage is never easy for anyone, not anyone...not even that adorable couple who sits a few pews in front of us at church week after week.  That no ones marriage is perfect and without trial.  That the commitment we made didn't just include times of sunshine and birds singing, but the dark and stormy times as well.  No matter how long those storms may last.  That if we stuck out the many storms of life together, we'd be made stronger.  I wish I could tell you that he is strong and courageous, that he is the same man I married on that beautiful day in June.  I wish I could tell him that if we stand strong for ourselves and for our children, that we will be made better...not only for ourselves, but for each other.   That our love for one another would be made stronger and indestructible.  I wish I could tell him that he is losing the most precious of all gifts for a sheer moment of gratification.  That he is missing out on time with our children, who are not promised to us in this life forever.  That each moment he is gone is another day lost.  Another smile unobserved, kiss good-night lost, bedtime story unfinished and many "firsts", unseen.  I wish I could tell him that our children will not be affected by his decision to leave.  That they won't harbor harsh feelings of resentment to his decision for personal fulfillment.  But I can not.  No one can.  

More than anything, I wish I could tell him...how much he is missed.  How much he is loved.  Even after the torment these last few months and years have been.  That love doesn't just leave.  That I gave my all and I would continue to give it...if he wanted it too.  But I will tell you all, that my life has meaning.  That I am strong.  That my Heavenly Father has sent me here with a purpose and that I want to continue to find it and live it.  That my children will be blessed because I will try to give them what they truly deserve.  I will continue to fight and find my way.  Make myself better not only for myself, but for my family.  That I will continue the fight forward.  That my life will go on and I will make the best of this terrible thing that has occurred.  I don't know how long I will grieve...I gave my life and heart to a man, not just for this life, but for eternity.  I committed not only in thought and in word...but in my heart too.  This makes for a difficult  recovery, but it can be done.  If I have faith in God and in His plan for me, he will mend my broken heart and see the intents of my heart.  He will make my family whole again. Somehow.  That once this horrible storm settles, there will be beautiful rainbow.  I pray I have the strength and courage to see it, to see my children and to see myself the way my Heavenly Father sees me. 
~*~

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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wanted to say the same thing 2 years ago. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn't breathe. I'll pray for you! Below is a verse that I repeated over and over to myself in that time.

Is 41:9-10 - i have chosen you & have not rejected you. so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. i will strengthen you & help you; I will uphold you.

the Marvelous Mrs. M said...

My heart breaks for you and all the many women and children that find themselves in similar situations. I'll be praying for you and your children to stay strong, be comforted, and keep the faith.

Anonymous said...

many of the things you have written here feel like they came straight from my heart. same situation but no kids. 8 months next week since i came home and found he was gone. it does get easier...but it takes time and time alone. i admire your strength.

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