what i wish. num 13.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #13: 

~*~
Letter 1 to Friend 1

Dear Friend 1 I wish I could tell you how I really feel lately, 
We have been friends for 12 years.  We grew up together.  We used to be able to talk on the phone for hours baring our souls to each other.  I graduated and it all changed.  We kept in touch, but you moved an hour away and apparently that was too far for either of us to travel often to visit.  You were a Maid-of-Honor in my wedding, where did that friendship go?   Our friendship started to decline then and there.  You dated guy after guy whom I knew were not good for you.  I watched you become a chameleon changing into whatever that guy wanted you to be.  The last guy you dated was the worst and I so badly wanted to tell you how horrible he was, but you were blind and you would have shut me down.  Years later you commented that what good are friends if we can't be honest with each other, you admitted that you were not ready for honesty back then.  
Flash forward to last year.  You got engaged and asked me to be your Matron-of-Honor.  Despite the 1 hour time difference and 930+ miles between us I did everything I could to be there for you.  When you called to pour out your heart about a concern in your relationship, I understood because I had been there.  But I know you must have shared with him that you told me, because after that it was sugar coated and everything turned perfect.  Knowing the issue I knew it never goes away that quickly--you had been silenced.  It was then that our relationship started to go in reverse.  The phone calls fewer and fewer, the conversations more shallow.  Suddenly I realized our friendship was more of an acquaintanceship.  My heart is saddened.  Come back to me.  Come back and let us grow as Christ wants us to.  God created community so that no one would be alone.  A picture perfect appearance to life is no good if there is no one in the picture with you.  I've been reaching out to you, but it feels hopeless.  My heart is heavy because I miss you.  12 years.  This can not be the end.  I want you to know it's okay for things to be rough and for you to confide in me.


Letter 2 to Friend 2
Dear Friend 2 what I wish I could tell you is that, 
Friend 1 introduced us.  We have been friends for about 10 years.  It wasn't until after high school that our friendship blossomed.  You were a bridesmaid in my wedding.  You called for relationship advice and when I didn't know the answer I got a male perspective from my husband, which you said you were so grateful for.  You have had tragic things happen in your life.  You've lost loved ones, you've been lied to, you gave years to a man who changed his mind and married someone else.  I can't fathom the hurt that you still deal with.  It's not fair.  I want you to meet someone, I want you to get married, and have babies, and accomplish all the dreams you have for yourself.  You need help though.  I can't tell you this because you will shut down and recoil back into your shell that you have so neatly placed around your heart.  You need therapy to work through all the issues that have hurt you.  I wish I could be that person who opened up to like you used to, but I realize now that I am not equipped to help you the way you need.  I can only imagine how hard it is to see love in others when all your previous examples failed.  I saw how you acted at Friend 1's wedding, how sad and withdrawn you were.  I know you didn't mean for me to see it.  It was obvious to me that you were sad that your own mother will never be there for your day.  I know that you so badly want the partner God so carefully picked out for you.  I saw you were hurt and yet I couldn't comfort you, because you were in denial.  I pray for you, I pray for the friendship we once had where I would listen and you would pour out your heart to me.  I want better for you, but you don't think you deserve it.  Why must you keep everyone out?  I was told that I made a joke that hurt you and I didn't even realize it.  I apologized and I asked that if I ever do it again please tell me then and there so that I can realize how I hurt you and take it back so that it doesn't fester in your heart.  Your passivity is not helping, you must tell me before I forget what was said.  I need to do the same with you too.  You have hurt me with your own words, but because I knew you were joking I let it slide.  The jokes weren't funny to me, but I let it slide because I knew you would never mean to say something so hurtful.  I don't want to start over with you, I don't want to go back to small talk, I want to slip back into our comfort zone where we each felt safe.  Please come back to me so that we can grow together as friends the way God the Father intended.

Letter 3 to Friend 3

Dear Friend 3 what I wish I could tell you, 
I have been friends with you for 12 years.  You became friends with Friend 1 & 2 through me in high school.  You were my bridesmaid and I am about to be yours, but during college our friendship drifted.  You liked to party and had everything given to you, I worked full time and paid for my own school.  You dated guys and participated in activities I didn't support, but I was still there for you.  After college your friendship with Friend 2 blossomed even more, when you started to work together.  I couldn't be happier to have all 3 of my friends as best friends to each other.  But you still partied.  I can't recall hanging out with you any place other than a bar for years.  I was frustrated as I watched you drink yourself drunk each and every time we were together.  Was I boring to you?  I was told by Friend 1 when you were invited to her wedding that I make sure you didn't get drunk at the reception.  I watched you, but inevitable you drank more than your fair share.  A few months later you asked me if I had a problem with your drinking and I couldn't be honest because you  were so angry with me.  You said I told a stranger that you had a drinking problem which wasn't true.  I realized later it must have been Friend 2 who said this, because she knew about Friend 1's request at the wedding.  All of a sudden I am a bad guy because I tried to help Friend 1 on HER day.  I do think you drink too much.  There I have really said it now.  I'm about to be in your wedding and I ask you all the time how can I help.  You never want my help.  I live the closest.  You ask the people who live the farthest away to help you.  Why do you want me in your wedding?  You have confided in all of us that you have a problem taking things personally.  That makes me scared to ever share my heart with you.  The last time I did you lashed out at me.  You spoke rashly and hurtfully and now I am pulling back.  I have watched your start your walk again and I am so excited for this!  I want your wedding to be all that you want it to be, but it will never meet your expectations if you continually compare it to everyone elses.  Please let me help you, let me be the friend I've been trying to be.  I want to be your friend, plain and simple.

Letter 4 to all of them.
Dear Friends what I wish I could tell you is that I've written each of you individually and now I must address the situation as a whole, except I can't.  I can't tell you how you have really hurt me over the years.  I am a friend who takes a beating and comes crawling back because I hope you will all change.  In your defense, occasionally, you do change for a short period of time and I feel comfortable again.  Inevitably you take pieces of me and use them as ways to make fun of me.  I'm done laughing.  I'm done letting you tear me down instead of build me up.  I have worked so hard not to step on your toes for fear of how you will react, but I am tired of working so hard by myself.
What I really wish I could tell you is that I'm 10 weeks pregnant, or I was, until Saturday.  I had a miscarriage and I couldn't tell you.  You knew we were trying, but instead of being excited for us you laughed at us for planning.  You chastised me for reading books about planning to get pregnant and preparing my body for a baby.  My husband saw my hurt and couldn't believe how my "sisters" of 10+ years could be so cold.   I used to think my kids would call you Aunts and that maybe one of you would be a God-Parent to my children, but the thought of that now puts a horrible taste in my mouth.  I want to tell you that I was pregnant and I want you to realize that it was the most exciting thing in my life.  We will never all be on the same page again in our lives.  This isn't highschool anymore and I know you are newly weds, newly engaged, and single, but you must realize that I've been married for 6-1/2 years and that we waited to have kids until now.  We have been planning and praying about this for a year despite only telling you 6 months ago. Your reaction to our planning made me realize you weren't ready to share this journey with me.  The fact that we aren't all in the same stage of life is something that we should be excited about.  We can all learn from each other!  What I really want to say to you is that as much as I miss our high school friendship and the ease that came with it, I truly miss the potential our friendships could have now if you would let them, no matter how dirty they may get.  I will be moving further away from all of you in less than a year and if distance is what we need, so be it.  I pray though that at some point you'll understand what we were and what we are now and what God intended this to be.  Thank you for the great years, I really honestly wish you all the best.  I hope someday I can write you a letter thanking you for the amazing friendships you've blessed me with.  I hope that by the time we get to start trying again that you will be excited for us.  I hope someday you'll  understand.
~*~

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2 comments:

Shyla said...

I am so sorry that you have lost a baby that has to be very hard.I can't even imagine the pain that you are going through. I also feel really sorry for her and I know how she is feeling with her friendships. I too have been going through this with 2 friends and I have finally realized that enough is enough. They have used me for countless quilts and purses that I make. So I am in the process of making new friends. Hang in there if you were here I would give you a hug and a ear to listen to your problems.

Tanna said...

So sorry for your loss. I've been in your shoes a bit with the friendships. When your lives aren't in the same place it is easy to not understand each other's perspective. I was the first to get married, pregnant. I felt less support and love from my friends, but it came around when they got to that place and could understand. I chose to ignore the little comments and in the end I felt better by being there for them. I hope you can find happiness with your friends and have that baby you are dreaming of.

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