what i wish. num 12.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #12: 

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I wish I could tell you my mother has passed away. It may not hurt as much to just have her be dead. I wish I could tell everyone my mother loved me. I wish I could say I have a great relationship with her. Instead when asked about my mom, I get a pit in my stomach. When I happen to see her on the rare occasion my heart drops to my toes. When I had my one and only child I cried for days that I didn't have a mom to show me how to be a mom and do everything just so. I wonder all the time why she doesn't love me. I wonder all the time what I did wrong. Knowing the love I have for my own son, I wonder how a mother could ever hurt her child. EVER. How could a mother ever lay her hands on her own flesh and blood.
I wish I could say I wasn't like her. I try every day to break the cycle. I live my life by her bad example. I try to be the mom she never was, and never will be. I try to not be her daughter.
I wish people could understand. I wish they could understand the reasons without me telling my whole story. I wish they would respect the choices I have made for my own life. I wish they knew I was better off without her.
While my dad has been the best stand-in mother in the world. My heart aches that I didn't have a mom to talk to about my first period. To talk to about the boys I liked. To take me wedding dress shopping. To ask breastfeeding questions to. To be there for my son as a wonderful grandma.
I wish I could tell you my mother was dead. Instead, I live with the pain of her living near, not caring, or loving me.

-anonymous
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2 comments:

Kristi said...

anonymous,

I ache for you. I know what it is like to be living with a pain that you just can't stop and explain to everyone and yet you wish everyone knew so they would stop and think before they spoke. And yet you can't blame them because they don't know. I am sorry someone who should be your most beloved has chosen to instill fear and anger instead. I encourage and praise you for taking on this role yourself and struggling everyday to be better than what was modeled for you. For trying your very best to be strong. That is where you can make a difference. I hope your relationship with your child will be to him/her everything that you didn't have and you can rest knowing that you are a wonderful (even if not perfect) mom. Just because you care and because it matters to you.

Emma Kay said...

"I wish people could understand. I wish they could understand the reasons without me telling my whole story. I wish they would respect the choices I have made for my own life."

Anonymous, I wish I could express to you just how deep these words touched me. You have put into words, exactly how I've been feeling for oh so long. And for that I thank you. Not because you've waved a magic wand and made my life all roses, but just because now I know someone else out there has that same silent pain I have, someone else "gets" it.

I wish you love and all the luck in the world as you go forth.

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