what i wish. num 12.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #12: 

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I wish I could tell you my mother has passed away. It may not hurt as much to just have her be dead. I wish I could tell everyone my mother loved me. I wish I could say I have a great relationship with her. Instead when asked about my mom, I get a pit in my stomach. When I happen to see her on the rare occasion my heart drops to my toes. When I had my one and only child I cried for days that I didn't have a mom to show me how to be a mom and do everything just so. I wonder all the time why she doesn't love me. I wonder all the time what I did wrong. Knowing the love I have for my own son, I wonder how a mother could ever hurt her child. EVER. How could a mother ever lay her hands on her own flesh and blood.
I wish I could say I wasn't like her. I try every day to break the cycle. I live my life by her bad example. I try to be the mom she never was, and never will be. I try to not be her daughter.
I wish people could understand. I wish they could understand the reasons without me telling my whole story. I wish they would respect the choices I have made for my own life. I wish they knew I was better off without her.
While my dad has been the best stand-in mother in the world. My heart aches that I didn't have a mom to talk to about my first period. To talk to about the boys I liked. To take me wedding dress shopping. To ask breastfeeding questions to. To be there for my son as a wonderful grandma.
I wish I could tell you my mother was dead. Instead, I live with the pain of her living near, not caring, or loving me.

-anonymous
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