what i wish. num 10.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #10: 

~*~
......I guess I don't really have to tell you this, because you ARE God, after all, but seriously-what the heck were you thinking?  Why was his sickness so drawn out, yet so short all at the same time?  What did any of us have to gain by watching him suffer in that horrible hell-hole at UVA for those three weeks?  In ten weeks time, this "Bigger than Life" man was living and then.....dying.   I KNOW you are Sovereign, Precious Father-but Why? wHy?  WHY?  Why did some feel so deeply that you were going to heal him here on earth and then did not see that come to pass?  What is it that you want from us, your broken and weary children?  Why HIM?  Why not the rapist or murderers sitting in prison?  Why my most precious Uncle who had way too many years ahead of him, with a new grand-baby and a little buddy to be a Popa to?  WHY?  I wasn't finished sitting on the porch.  I wasn't finished getting his rib cracking hugs.  I wasn't finished smelling deep his scent.  None of us were. Why?  wHy?  WHY? 
 
What do I say to my Aunt, who blames herself, the doctors and then herself again?  I can't argue-there's no point.  It's all  just "part of the grieving process."  BUT, what if it's not?  What if all these years of being driven by fear and anxiety, she finally caves in and believes and accepts the lies of Satan?  I want to scream at her "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT-YOU DID ALL YOU COULD DO-CANCER SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS....."  but I can't....because I know that I need to just love her like you do--and I truly think all you want to do right now is to hold her and listen and listen and listen.....
 
Will these tears ever run dry?  Will the intensity of the ache in my heart, bones, even the breath I breathe-ever lessen?  How will I manage when it's my own father?  Or my own spouse or flesh and blood (GOD-take me instead!)? 
 
You know I am grateful for every moment ever spent with him (especially my last days, in October when I spent a week in Charlottesville)..... But you also need to know-I'm just so frustrated and broken because YOU are GOD AFTER-ALL and for UNKNOWN REASONS, you chose another road and path for him and us.  Time to show us the WHYS.  Please?  Please Dear God, PLEASE!  And while you're at it, can you take SOME of this ache away?  I hear your yoke is easy and your burden is light--must be nice.  Let me share my pain and sorrow with you.  Here ya go. 
 
And by the way-I still love ya Daddy God.  It's just I'm so-so-so......confused and broken.  I know you get me.  That's what makes you such a great Father!
 
~*~

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2 comments:

Tiffany said...

i lost my father just 2 days before thanksgiving almost 5 years ago .

i was 25. he was 46.

cancer took him too.

for 2 years we watched him slowly die. cancer is the worst death possible.

i'm pissed he will never meet my 3 year old son. i'm pissed he won't meet my 2 year old nephew. i'm pissed that he never got to be a pawpaw because he'd be a damn good one (excuse my language.)

sometimes it seems so long ago. sometimes i still smell the hospital.

i want to say that it gets easier. i want to say that time heals all wounds. but i'd be lying. i think of him every hour, sometimes every minute.

but in 5 years, one thing i do know, is god can take it. he wants to take it. give it to him. and i may be long winded, but i'd tell you this...

1. if you are suffering, you are not being picked on. you were picked out. god has entrusted this suffering to you because he has faith in you.

2. god didn't accidently let this happen to you. he thought it out in advance, considered it, weighed the options and saw the good it could ultimately accomplish and the lives that could be helped, and then, in his purpose did he permit such harm to come to his child. had all this not possessed a glorious purpose, he would've dismissed it.

3. someday you will see the beauty exceed the ashes and the divine pleasure exceed the pain.

4. god thinks of you continually. and when he thinks of you, he thinks in terms of what can be used toward you good, toward his plan, and toward the future. his intentions are pure.

there is no way to take away what you are feeling. please just know that i've walked this path and i still continue to walk it. i'm just telling you that this is what i've learned - 5 years removed from the his death. god is god and because of my faith i know that , i trust that he will take care of me.

and honestly, i'm thankful my dad doesn't have to live in a world filled with hurt and pain and he's lucky that he's spending his days playing golf with jesus!

i'll pray for you, for your family, because i know this road - and it sucks. plain and simple.

MargaretB said...

In moments of question, I am always reminded of Job chapter 40 when God says "Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?" God goes by pointing out just how mighty He is. I always find great comfort in the passages of Job when I find myself questioning and confused.

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