what i wish. num 10.

Welcome to "What I wish I could tell you"...an anonymous platform for bloggers to share what they don't feel free to share on their own blogs.  If you have a story/thought/ache/hurt/feeling/secret/prayer request you want to get out, feel free to email me at ricracandpompoms @ gmail.com.  You will remain anonymous to all but me unless you choose otherwise. 
The author of this entry has chosen to stay anonymous.  Say hello to anon #10: 

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......I guess I don't really have to tell you this, because you ARE God, after all, but seriously-what the heck were you thinking?  Why was his sickness so drawn out, yet so short all at the same time?  What did any of us have to gain by watching him suffer in that horrible hell-hole at UVA for those three weeks?  In ten weeks time, this "Bigger than Life" man was living and then.....dying.   I KNOW you are Sovereign, Precious Father-but Why? wHy?  WHY?  Why did some feel so deeply that you were going to heal him here on earth and then did not see that come to pass?  What is it that you want from us, your broken and weary children?  Why HIM?  Why not the rapist or murderers sitting in prison?  Why my most precious Uncle who had way too many years ahead of him, with a new grand-baby and a little buddy to be a Popa to?  WHY?  I wasn't finished sitting on the porch.  I wasn't finished getting his rib cracking hugs.  I wasn't finished smelling deep his scent.  None of us were. Why?  wHy?  WHY? 
 
What do I say to my Aunt, who blames herself, the doctors and then herself again?  I can't argue-there's no point.  It's all  just "part of the grieving process."  BUT, what if it's not?  What if all these years of being driven by fear and anxiety, she finally caves in and believes and accepts the lies of Satan?  I want to scream at her "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT-YOU DID ALL YOU COULD DO-CANCER SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS....."  but I can't....because I know that I need to just love her like you do--and I truly think all you want to do right now is to hold her and listen and listen and listen.....
 
Will these tears ever run dry?  Will the intensity of the ache in my heart, bones, even the breath I breathe-ever lessen?  How will I manage when it's my own father?  Or my own spouse or flesh and blood (GOD-take me instead!)? 
 
You know I am grateful for every moment ever spent with him (especially my last days, in October when I spent a week in Charlottesville)..... But you also need to know-I'm just so frustrated and broken because YOU are GOD AFTER-ALL and for UNKNOWN REASONS, you chose another road and path for him and us.  Time to show us the WHYS.  Please?  Please Dear God, PLEASE!  And while you're at it, can you take SOME of this ache away?  I hear your yoke is easy and your burden is light--must be nice.  Let me share my pain and sorrow with you.  Here ya go. 
 
And by the way-I still love ya Daddy God.  It's just I'm so-so-so......confused and broken.  I know you get me.  That's what makes you such a great Father!
 
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