and...


Sharing here never ceases to amaze me.  Since I began blogging three years ago I have learned that putting myself out there leads to encouragement AND hurt.  Some people get it...some don't.  Some people want to read fluffy, happy, blogs where the sun always shines.  Some, like me, choose to share the good and the bad because that is what I feel is the most encouraging and God honoring thing I can do.  I keep this blog to share, not only with the world but also with my boys...so that they can one day go back to these pages and read about how their mom really was...not how she portrayed herself.  I share the ugly so that when I share the beauty of how God came through...it is all the more awesome.    
If you are coming here thinking I am a constant whiner...you are wrong about me.  If you think I am not thankful for my blessings...you are wrong about me.  If you think that I don't know that I am living a life I don't deserve...that is full and blessed and rich...then you are wrong.  Wrong.  And clearly you have not read this blog long. 
I am also going through a phase that is really painful TO ME.  I get that some may not see living in a city that I dislike as a big deal.  That is awesome for you.  It's painful to me.  I get that others may LOVE this place.  That is OK.  Even if I don't get it.  I know my experiences.  God knows my heart. 

I know that I have tried and worked and pushed myself.  I know that I have gotten up and tried again and again.  I know that not ALL of Charlottesville is the pits.  I have great neighbors next door...while our church is not ideally what I would want, we DO love it...our boys have great Sunday school teachers, Moses has a great preschool, Doug has a great job, I have a great marriage and family.  Yes, I am blessed.  None of that makes what I am dealing with any different or less painful to me. 

 Hurt is hurt and I am hurting.  I am being honest and showing a REAL person here.  A person that is being tried and shaped and cultivated to be something better than she is.  I am SO THANKFUL that God is not content to say I am good enough where I am.  I am grateful for the growth.  I know where I am on my path and my experiences...and I don't for a second pretend to know where others are.  I don't, for a second, want to pretend to have it all together and take away the glory that is God working in my life.

I was just telling Doug that it is amazing to me to be 30 and look back on how dumb I was at 20 and how I can't wait to be 40 and see how far I have come since 30.  And that is so true...and I am thankful in a weird way for the pain...because it means change is happening...and that gives me hope. 

I said in my last post that I didn't really want to move back to where we came from.  And that was true then...but now...not so much.  Not that we would move to the same location and do all the things we did before...but the area is sounding good to me.  And those feelings are a first since we moved here.  

Isn't it human to want to be where your soul is fed? 

I called and talked to my pastor and a friend in Radford...and though the calls were brief and punctuated with tear induced silences...I felt all the things I have been longing for in Charlottesville...being loved...being prayed for...having what I have to offer being wanted...being understood...being authentic...being ME with no facade and no fear of rejection. 

   So, yes, my feelings are valid.  And yes, this is my reality.  I don't think sharing hurt and struggles is pitiful.  I think it opens the doors for God's good to shine through.  

I am thankful for each of you who has commented or emailed...or encouraged and given me hopeful words.  I thank you for understanding that my pain IS real and I thank you for your prayers.  I still have no resolution at the moment, still hurting and crying a lot...still don't know what to do other than turn to Him...and request a lot of prayers from a lot of people...and maybe that is part of the lesson.     
xo
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21 comments:

Megan Luckey said...

One of the reasons I read your blog so regularly is because you are so real and not sugar coated like most 'mom blogs.' Not all days are sunshiney, not all moments are peachy keen and all not blessings are counted promptly. Keep your head up and keep sharing. There are those of us out there that understand and relate.

kristen said...

{hugs}

Heather at A "Love"ly Mess said...

I think that being real is truly important. I am always encouraged by your honesty and your very real words. I will say a prayer for your heart tonight.

Trish said...

This verse doesn't apply to your pain and what your going through, (although I know the feeling of not feeling welcomed in the city you are living in) but I thought of it after I read that people are judging you for your thoughts and feelings.

1 Samuel 16:7
Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at your heart.

Just thought I would share that with you!

LKP said...

WOMAN! hey, yeah i know EXACTLY the hurt you're talking about. felt the same way when we initially moved to idaho 5 years ago. that first year was absolutely miserable. i hated it. nay, despised it. i felt underused, underappreciated, and spiritually malnourished! i know what you mean entirely. by the end of the 2nd year i was feeling much better, more settled in with the community and the people we went to church with. that last year it was where i was going to die & be buried. i was that ok with it finally. and then what happened? God called us home to where we grew up and where our extended families were. now, we still knew quite a few people in the mid-columbia, but lots of stuff had changed, and the place had exploded with people & houses & businesses where before there had been sagebrush as far as the eye could see in all directions. unbelievable. the home we found was 10 minutes from the town we grew up in and do you know what happened? that first year was again very brutal on me. once again i felt underused, underappreciated, and spiritually malnourished! what the bananas is right! by the end of the second year i was feeling back to normal, and i knew where i stood and where my contributions were validated. we're partway through the 3rd year back, and bought a home closer to where we grew up, matter of fact all the kids around here attend the same schools i did growing up & we're once again going to church with all the members we grew up attending with, yet i'm back to feeling underused, underappreciated, and spiritually malnourished...in my own hometown! i feel like i'm expected to prove myself all over again, just cause we were gone a total of 5 years.
it's downright depressing. feels like i'm habitually slamming my head on a brick wall. i'm trying to focus on the positive so i don't lose my inner-identity over it all, but i am exhausted from my groundhog's day experiences. hang in there. you're not alone. ::big hugs:: i'm with ya.

LKP said...

btw, lovely clouds in that photo! clouds in shades like that just speak to my heart. (:

Carrie said...

Keep keeping it real.... Big hugs!

carlisle clan conversation... said...

My comment on the last post stands. But,let me add I feel when we are moved by the Father he gives us a loud and clear voice as we speak in his name, we are not hidden, we don't trade hurt for hurt we speak in love. A friend once told me to say what you mean, mean what you say & don't say it 'mean'. There will be times in our lives when others 'speak into our life' in love. Those words may come as a rebuke, but always always in love, never judgment. The reality is we are ALL made in God's image and as such we ALL matter to Him. Just like MiMi and HoHo's hurts crush you...so do your hurts crush the Father. No hurt in YOUR heart is too small for him to care for and soothe. Everyone has their own cross to bare and only they know the wheight it holds. PS Sticks and stones love, sticks and stones. XOXO

Emma Kay said...

Your honesty keeps me coming back for more and more. I so admire your courage to bare your heart and tell it as it is. I know personally, I need someone else out there in this big big world, admitting their life isn't perfect and they haven't got it down pat. So if it helps, thank you, and I'm sorry I don't say it often, but if I thanked you every time your honesty touched my heart, well, you'd be really sick of me by now!

Smilie girl said...

Honey, you must have gotten some weird comments along with all the great ones.
Keep sharing - good and bad.
Love and prayers for you. :)

undonegirl said...

OK, so I admit that I lurk more than I comment...it's the introvert in me. :) I had to comment this time though because I didn't comment the other day. I GET IT. We moved 5 years ago. We moved clear across the country and away from everything and everyone we knew. We left a church and a pastor that I would have NEVER left had God not pushed us out. I still talk to him every couple of weeks, email every week and love that church beyond what is fathomable to many.

We have struggled to find a church family here that we can relate to. We moved to the south where to many religion is king, not Jesus. I have reached out over and over at the schools, at the gym, at church, in my neighborhood only to be back where I started. I have made a few good friends and for them I am grateful; it is all I need really. But the snobbery and the religiosity kills me on a weekly basis.

Here is what I've come up with though: I don't fit here and I'm not supposed to fit. The Bible tells me that I am not of this world. If I don't fit in their 'religious' mindsets, good. If they feel uncomfortable when I walk away while they gossip, good. If they think it's odd that I talk about the Holy Spirit, good (sad, but good). If they are uncomfortable when I tell them that my husband was healed from leukemia after 6 years and he is NOT in remission, he is HEALED, good. I'm not going to sugar coat and I'm not going to pretend. I'm polite, I'm friendly and I love Jesus. THEY are missing out on a great friend because I am also generous and considerate. That is not pride speaking, it is just being 41 and knowing what God has placed in me and feeling the deep regret that we as people can't benefit from other's giftings because our own junk gets in the way.

Hang in there girl, I don't like where I live either. I'm a grown up military kid and I've always bloomed where I was planted. It is taking longer for the roots to go deep here but we both know, the sweetest fruit comes from the tree that struggled the most.

kelleysbeads said...

At least you KNOW that God is working in your life and this trial of a city is serving to help you grow. I think it would be worse to feel help/hopeless and not know there is a good plan in store for you.

Hugs and prayers to you in growing through this hurtful time.

Anonymous said...

you've got amazing talent & i really enjoy your blog. it took me years to make authentic friends and i still don't have lots of them. hang in there. you're HIS beautiful daughter.

janimal said...

Have you considered some counselling? The level to which you describe your despair is an indicator to me it might be appropriate to get some help. You recognize that your life is mostly really pretty wonderful, yet you cry often and state you have lost the motivation to keep reaching out. You *may* have a touch of depression. And there is wonderful help available for that.

I know you are a spiritual person, and hear that you believe G-d will get you through this. But perhaps G-d can work through someone else to help you? If you had flu, you would see a doctor, right? You wouldn't heal a broken arm through paryer? So although you don't have a physical ailment, you DO have an ailment. Your arm is intact but your heart isn't. Please consider getting some help.

Sending you my best wishes. (hug)

Christy said...

I was miserable for an entire year because of the church we were attending. We finally changed churches about a month or so ago. I am not so miserable anymore. I still don't have any friends, but I know I will here....eventually. The bad thing, the pastor of the church we left was so nasty, that I almost allowed all the joy of the new church be sucked out of me. Keep on keeping on, girl. Keep on praying. God has a plan. It is good to know I am not the only one struggling out there. I appreciate your honesty. Sometimes I am afraid I am too honest on my blog, too. But then I read your post...and feel better. :) Because you are just as honest as I am. I will be praying for you. Keep your focus on Jesus.

Tasha said...

You really are such a beautiful person. One of the reasons I love (love) reading your blog is because you are so real. You are real. You are inspiring. You help me want to be better. You help me also feel real. Help me to see that we all struggle and we all have good and bad days. But, even when you struggle you always put it in a good light. I am grateful there is you. Thank you for blessing my life.

Kristi said...

I don't know if this will help or hurt. I am writing in hopes that it helps. I have never felt liked I lived in a community, been in a church or had any friends who truly loved me or took care of me (beyond a couple of now long distance friends I call and can actually cry to). Still, I do my best to do for others quietly. Hoping to be a light and a person of value. I learn to keep to myself, to pull myself up time and time again. To TRY to realize that I will never fit in and probably never be truly loved. Even though I never. stop. trying. Not by anyone in this world. I try to harden my exterior without being cold to others. It is enormously painful. And I am jealous that you once had all that goodness in your life. But I can also understand what you are going through now, because I go through it everyday since from whenever I can remember as a child. I never thought of it as being a matter of where I live, I just assumed it was like that everywhere. I assumed it was my fault. Maybe there is a chance? But honestly, I even feel like a lost soul in the blog world, and have just about given that up too. I truly believe very few people give a hoot about me. After I had my surgery ONE friend called me. ONE. No one offered to help out and I needed it. No one understood, that even though it wasn't the worst surgery or situation in the world, I struggled to process many things, and I suffered physically with pain and lack of sleep. People brushed it off as "it could be worse" or "it can't be that bad." It was painful. But a lot of people do give many hoots about you. You are real, you are loved and I hope that you can stop hurting really soon.

Janell said...

Hey girl! I am broken hearted for a different reason at this time, but I HAVE to agree with you that even though things aren't the way we want, that God IS WORKING! I too am SUPER EXCITED to see what God is going to do through our situations! Praying for you hun xoxo

Kinlie said...

These are some verses that I find comfort in, I admit that I've never had to deal with moving away from my community, but we all go through some tough times. It helps me to remember that this life is temporary, and to God its just a blink, I know it doesn't make what you're going through any less real, but sometimes it helps to put things in God's perspective.
This is what Jesus told His dicisples..."I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

and who knows? maybe God has a magnificent plan for your life in Charlottesville that you never would have dreamed...
"Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told.
Habakkuk 1:5

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"- Esther 4:14

and I always need a little reminder of why I'm here,
"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:24

don't forget the Lord in His own time will provide for your needs...
"The Lord isn't really being slow about His promise, as some people think. No, He is being patient for your sake." 2 Peter 3:9

but also keep in mind that we really only need Him, although (especially me:) goodness knows we want more! :)I read this quote in Voices of the Faithful, and loved it...
"My child, in all your strivings, you've forgotten to narrow your interest, your entire life down to Me and only Me. This is the simple life!"

make sure your trusting that God will fufill His promises for your life! "Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." Luke 1:45

maybe the most applicable thing to the hurt you're feeling now though is this verse... "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm 51:17

I pray that God gives you the wisdom you need to deal with your struggles, thank you for being so open and sharing!

Kinlie said...

These are some verses that I find comfort in, I admit that I've never had to deal with moving away from my community, but we all go through some tough times. It helps me to remember that this life is temporary, and to God its just a blink, I know it doesn't make what you're going through any less real, but sometimes it helps to put things in God's perspective.
This is what Jesus told His dicisples..."I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

and who knows? maybe God has a magnificent plan for your life in Charlottesville that you never would have dreamed...
"Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told.
Habakkuk 1:5

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"- Esther 4:14

and I always need a little reminder of why I'm here,
"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:24

don't forget the Lord in His own time will provide for your needs...
"The Lord isn't really being slow about His promise, as some people think. No, He is being patient for your sake." 2 Peter 3:9

but also keep in mind that we really only need Him, although (especially me:) goodness knows we want more! :)I read this quote in Voices of the Faithful, and loved it...
"My child, in all your strivings, you've forgotten to narrow your interest, your entire life down to Me and only Me. This is the simple life!"

make sure your trusting that God will fufill His promises for your life! "Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." Luke 1:45

maybe the most applicable thing to the hurt you're feeling now though is this verse... "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm 51:17

I pray for your healing and that God will give you the wisdom you need to get through this tough time!

Paputsi said...

The reason i love your blog is because it is so real. i lie that you are "normal" ike the rest of us... with real worries and concerns. i hope my email helped some.

:-)

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