Sharing here never ceases to amaze me. Since I began blogging three years ago I have learned that putting myself out there leads to encouragement AND hurt. Some people get it...some don't. Some people want to read fluffy, happy, blogs where the sun always shines. Some, like me, choose to share the good and the bad because that is what I feel is the most encouraging and God honoring thing I can do. I keep this blog to share, not only with the world but also with my boys...so that they can one day go back to these pages and read about how their mom really was...not how she portrayed herself. I share the ugly so that when I share the beauty of how God came through...it is all the more awesome.
If you are coming here thinking I am a constant whiner...you are wrong about me. If you think I am not thankful for my blessings...you are wrong about me. If you think that I don't know that I am living a life I don't deserve...that is full and blessed and rich...then you are wrong. Wrong. And clearly you have not read this blog long.
I am also going through a phase that is really painful TO ME. I get that some may not see living in a city that I dislike as a big deal. That is awesome for you. It's painful to me. I get that others may LOVE this place. That is OK. Even if I don't get it. I know my experiences. God knows my heart.
I know that I have tried and worked and pushed myself. I know that I have gotten up and tried again and again. I know that not ALL of Charlottesville is the pits. I have great neighbors next door...while our church is not ideally what I would want, we DO love it...our boys have great Sunday school teachers, Moses has a great preschool, Doug has a great job, I have a great marriage and family. Yes, I am blessed. None of that makes what I am dealing with any different or less painful to me.
Hurt is hurt and I am hurting. I am being honest and showing a REAL person here. A person that is being tried and shaped and cultivated to be something better than she is. I am SO THANKFUL that God is not content to say I am good enough where I am. I am grateful for the growth. I know where I am on my path and my experiences...and I don't for a second pretend to know where others are. I don't, for a second, want to pretend to have it all together and take away the glory that is God working in my life.
I was just telling Doug that it is amazing to me to be 30 and look back on how dumb I was at 20 and how I can't wait to be 40 and see how far I have come since 30. And that is so true...and I am thankful in a weird way for the pain...because it means change is happening...and that gives me hope.
I said in my last post that I didn't really want to move back to where we came from. And that was true then...but now...not so much. Not that we would move to the same location and do all the things we did before...but the area is sounding good to me. And those feelings are a first since we moved here.
Isn't it human to want to be where your soul is fed?
I called and talked to my pastor and a friend in Radford...and though the calls were brief and punctuated with tear induced silences...I felt all the things I have been longing for in Charlottesville...being loved...being prayed for...having what I have to offer being wanted...being understood...being authentic...being ME with no facade and no fear of rejection.
So, yes, my feelings are valid. And yes, this is my reality. I don't think sharing hurt and struggles is pitiful. I think it opens the doors for God's good to shine through.
I am thankful for each of you who has commented or emailed...or encouraged and given me hopeful words. I thank you for understanding that my pain IS real and I thank you for your prayers. I still have no resolution at the moment, still hurting and crying a lot...still don't know what to do other than turn to Him...and request a lot of prayers from a lot of people...and maybe that is part of the lesson.