I told you last week that we were going away for a couple of days. What I didn't tell you was that we were going HOME! At least for me, the New River Valley (Radford and Blacksburg) is the ONLY place that has ever felt like home...the only place on Earth that I truly love.
You may have noticed that I haven't mentioned it since. The truth is...I haven't recovered.
At least not emotionally.
You see...it wasn't just the physical location that we were going to see...it was the people that would be there. Our family was going to be there...Doug's parents and some siblings. Family that we love and don't get to see nearly enough. It was a wonderful weekend. Perfect. Moses loved it. Aaron loved it. We all left happy and full.
Now the recovery is still going on. We (some me and some Doug) are absolutely heartsick to live closer to family. I long to live close enough to see them more than a few times a year. Outside of our family of four, Doug's family is everything to us...for reasons I won't discuss, my side of the family is out of the picture, and will remain there for long into the foreseeable future.
We plan our lives around the trips we take to see them...we get there and love every minute. And then we come home...to a place that we don't particularly love. And there is always a great period of recovery and grief and homesickness. Especially for me.
It pains my heart when Moses asks if we can go play with his cousins...or go visit his grandma...or go see his aunts and uncles...and he doesn't understand the distance that separates us. We can tell he feels the same as we do...he just has less words and ability to express it.
Add to that...the fact that since it has been 3 1/2years almost since we left HOME...things have changed...people have changed and moved on...life is different there....we are different. If could go back there...it wouldn't be the same. Home has truly become wherever our family is.
Which leaves me to wonder where God has in store for us?
Add to that also...the fact that so far...2010 has been a huge pruning year for me. God has shown me areas in my life that need a good trimming...be it people (family, friends, etc) that need to be cut away....or things that are taking up too much time...or blogs that I need to cut out of my reading list, etc...it's been a year for cutting away the lifeless things to make room for the growing ones.
I'm not saying that I had all these cancerous things in my life...I'm not talking about anything drastic like drugs or drinking or filth...but more like God showing me parts of my life and asking "Does this bring you Joy? or does this give the enemy a footstool?"
Time and again He has cut. And now I feel bare. I am ready to move on from this place...to water and care for what is left and see what grows. God knows that the desires of my heart (and Doug's too) is to be close enough to family to have REAL relationships with them...to see them even a couple of times a month would mean the world and then some...
And Doug is currently in a series of interviews that just may lead to our hearts desire. And I know that God's plan and timing is pure and right and good.
And the crazy thing...is that I have never felt closer to God. I have never before RUN to read my Bible...or look forward to talking to Him...or felt His presence as closely as I have lately...I guess I needed that pruning to get to that place. I guess its hard to hear the God that whispers when so many distractions are busy screaming things at you...
And now I am ready to take that...and move forward (and closer!)...whenever God sees fit to send us.
For now...I'm still nursing homesickness...enjoying my two sweet boys...and praying for God to do what's best...