allow me to make you laugh.

so first...the winner of the quilt is coming later today! you still have a little time to enter!! :)

but first...for your enjoyment...allow me to tell you a story.

so here is the scene:
So last night about 9:15pm I am sitting on my couch...laptop on my lap...chatting away to my friend Courtney in California.  The TV is on but otherwise every light in the house is off.  Doug and and the boys have been asleep since 7pm (Doug gets up at 2am).  

So as I am sitting there the dark...something swoops by my head.  I immediately think "That was a pretty big moth".  I get up and turn on the light to get a better look.  Nothing.  I see a large mosquito type bug on the wall nearby and think "Wow, that thing looked way bigger in the dark". 

It swooped by again.  It was not a moth. 

I start to scream like a crazy woman into the phone "THERE'S A BAT IN MY HOUSE!!!!!".

Who knows how many times I screamed it.  
Eventually, Courtney asks, in between my screams, if I need to go.  To which I respond "YES I HAVE TO GO!!".  

Hang up the phone.  Paralyzed with fear.  The scene now is of a 5ft 10in woman, in the fetal position, on the floor, screaming uncontrollably, trying to cover her entire body with a 14 by 14in pillow.  My body must have been in autopilot because I could not move anything voluntarily.  My body's instinct is to apparently protect my internal organs...hence the fetal position.  All I could think was 1) I have 18in of hair that that swallow sized thing is aiming for and 2) how in the world am I going upstairs to where Doug was.
So I laid there.  Frozen in fear.  Screaming without the ability to stop.  Somehow Doug heard me.  And truly that is remarkable.  
I asked him later what he thought was going on.  He says he thought I was screaming about one of those huge jumping spiders that we sometimes find in the house.  Then he said "What I came downstairs to was much worse than that".  
So Doug is downstairs...trying to figure out what is going on.  I scream "There is a Robin sized bat in the house"...and go back to my screaming/fetal position.  
Doug repeatedly tells me to stop screaming before the neighbors hear me.  I tell him that I have no control of it.  And that was the truth.  
As I am laying there...between screams...the blue Jay sized bat lands on the curtain.  Body autopilot takes over and runs for the front door.  
Now I know a few things with certainty.  I know I love Jesus.  I know I love Doug.  I know I love my boys.  I know I love chocolate. 

I KNOW that if that 8in bat had even brushed against body would have totally betrayed me.  I can guarantee that I would have passed out cold.  No question.  I would have dropped like a fly.
I have never gotten that door open so fast and did not think twice about leaving Doug on his own.  He is the man of the house...that is his job.  
Doug says I screamed "He landed on the curtain!!!!!!" about eight or so times on my way out the door. 
Doug had no idea what curtain I was talking about.  I had no idea I was still screaming.
I am now outside...holding open the front door, because you know, that is essential to bat removal.  Still paralyzed but at least hiding behind the door now.  
I text my neighbor to come over and bring her husband. 
They come.  They both go in with courage.  And run out two seconds later as the crow/bat swoops by them. 
But they went back in.  There are now three grown adults in my house.  With dishtowels in hand.  Swatting, windmill style at the roasting sized chicken bat as it swoops by them.  By this time you can see its talons glinting in the light.  

Just think National Lampoons Christmas vacation (but rooster bat and not squirrel) and that episode of The Office where a bat gets in...and combine them together. 

It was that comical. 

Eventually the turkey vulture bat flew out.  I am sure it was because he was terrified of the windmill people. 

We duct taped the fireplace closed until we could look at it in the daylight, cause we figure that is how he got in.  And I was up until the weeeeee hours of the morning because 1) I couldn't stop laughing about it and 2) I kept hallucinating Batman in the dark. 

The lesson I took away from this was:
It's a good thing we have a safe word in our house.

When Doug worked overnight, I literally slept with a Louisville slugger next to the bed.  Doug would get home in the super wee hours of the morning and when he was coming up the stairs he would whisper our safe word so I wouldn't come barreling at him with a bat.

Because of the Batzilla incident I now know one of two things would happen to an intruder.  1)Ultimate body betrayal where I cower in fear until I pass out OR 2) I go crazy kung-fu autopilot.

Thankfully, because of the safe word, we won't have to see if either of these happens without due cause. 



jessica said...

not only did i laugh at this tale (and completely saw myself behaving in the same way. we just moved to the country ... we get lots of creepy crawlies in the house ... and my fiance knows i run screaming from the room as soon as i see something ... i have no control over this!) ... but i laughed at how, over the course of the story the bat grew in size!! LOL.

thanks for sharing and making me laugh! :)

Kelly said...

Oh my word that is the funniest thing I have read in a really long time! I'm not laughing at the trauma you were subjected to but the way you told the story was brilliant. :)
Happy (bat-free) weekend to you!

My2Gs said...

Instead of Christmas Vacation.....I'm thinking more along the lines of "The Great Outdoors" with John Candy. I hate bats too...and I totally believe I would have done the exact same thing.

Elena @ Breakfast for Dinner said...

Omg, hilarious! I'm laughing out loud imagining your reaction and guessing mine would be about the same. Although my husband freaks at little roaches, so I don't know how he'd fare with a bat! Just this morning he yelled upstairs, "hurry, come quick, it's not a joke!" It was a roach. I killed it. Silly boys!

Heather @ Life Made Lovely said...

Seriously trying not to per my pants that story was so funny!

carey said...

oh my goodness, you're hilarious!! i love this story. mostly because i can totally relate to your reaction. my husband often gives me grief about my fear of spiders and how i flail around if i think one might be somewhere within a 10 foot radius of me or so.

Sandy said...

Ha! Too funny! Reminds me of the time when I was a kid that a bat got into our house. My dad grabbed the fist thing he could think of which happened to be a wooden backscratcher. He emptied out our big orange laundry basket and threw that over his head. As my mother is screaming hysterically "Dad, get 'em! Get 'em!", he is swatting at this poor bat with this little wooden backscratcher. He finally managed to get it out of the house much to my poor mother's relief. We still laugh about that.

elise said...

oh my lands, i wish i would have been there.

Unknown said...

Oh my goodnes, Crystal. I have been giggling from the start of this story! Poor thing, I'm pretty sure my body would have reacted the same way. I can't believe the boys slept through all of that commotion!

patricia e said...

I can just see something like this happening to me ~ however I live in the city and hope that something as big as a bat wouldn't invade our house ~ kind of scary at the time I'm sure, but funny for you now to think about. That poor old bat was probably more frightened that you. Your label for this post is funny too! (dork) but you certainly aren't that!

Carey C. Bailey said...

HOLY BAT! Thank you for the morning laugh - hilarious - at your expense, I know.

Christy @ MCH PHOTOGRAPHY said...

Oh my that's so funny!

Anonymous said...

This is the funniest thing I have heard in a LONG time!! Thanks for the laugh.

BTW I am a long time follower but never commented until now, this story was too good not to.

Cora Anne Designs said...

Ew, so gross! We had a bat incident last week, but thankfully ours was just trying to take up residence in our porch light! I'm glad you survived to tell the story!

Tara@JustDevineStyle said...

Yes, I Laughed, I cried, I may have peed my pants! I would have done the same thing. Heck last night I made my hubby get out of bed to kill a pincher bug! Yes I am a self proclaimed sissy when it comes to bugs, Bats and rodents.

Kelly said...

I'm crying I am laughing so hard! What a great story!

Mama's Viewfinder said...

This is so funny. You just described us on our first Halloween in our house. Yes HALLOWEEN. Do you see the irony in having a bat in your house on Halloween? I thought I was going nuts.

I ran screaming from the house, and locked myself inside the car in the driveway leaving hubby to fend for himself. Thank goodness this was pre-kids because it really would have been every man, woman and child for himself.

Thanks for the memories and the laughs.

anna said...

so many things i love about this post.

1-it's funny

2-i too have had a bat in my house, as well as a squirrel or two and some birds. Enough to scar a kid, REALLY.

3-your fear, my friend, is real - I get it!!

4-the bat descriptors get progressively larger and larger: moth, mosquito, robin, crow, chicken (w/ talons), vulture, batzilla.

5-you could potentially club Doug with a BAT!

6-hoho superhero photo


Tara said...

what a hilarious story of what must have been a frightening experience... i would react in the same way if i ever had a snake in the house. i wouldn't sleep for days!

SarahRachel said...

Love it- I would have been the same way. Bats are CREEPY, man!! And great idea with the safe word. Especially since I have a gun that I am constantly checking on when Alan is out of town! ;-)

Unknown said...

Oh my goodness, I have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. I can see myself doing the same exact thing with uncontrollable screaming. I know my body would betray me as well.

Have a wonderful, bat-free weekend!

Amber said...

That's hilarious and creepy at the same time. I would have freaked out too! I'm glad you survived and can laugh about it. It's a good thing you have this story recorded...real-life comedy :)

delliechan said...

I love your stories - you are so hilarious!!

I reckon if that was me I would be screaming too.

The other day my dog caught a mouse outside, my little boy said :ewe ewe - there it is - its a cockroach oooh its really big"

I was safe and sound inside, while my partner went outside to inspect and I kept thinking later that there was something very strange about the whole scene and I realized it was because I was inside and there was no screaming .

too funny

April b said...

Great job in making a frightening incident into a story of hilarity. We had a bat in our house several years ago. I was home alone sitting in the TV room with all of the lights out also. My husband and kids came home and I heard some excited voices followed by "shhhh don't let mom know". I immediately got up and went out into the living room to find a bat flying figure 8's from living room to dining room. I hit the floor and crawled back to the TV room. My husband ended up catching it with a fish net and releasing it outside. I have a phobic fear of bats that often creates funny sights (when I am over the fright and can look back at it). Thanks for the laughs.

Amber said...

Yep. still laughing. out loud. really hard.

The Windmill People ;)

Andrea said...

I have a HUGE fear of bats! When my husband and I were first dating he was doing some work on my house and needed to go up in the attic. He had a ladder in the hallway at the attic access and I was working while "trapped" by that ladder in my craft room. He popped his head into the attic and says, "Oh, you have bats." Immediately I started screaming and trying to climb out one of the windows in the room. It took him a minute to figure out why I'm so freaked out and acting very irrational about insulation! Apparently "bats" is a type of insulation and he was surprised to see that the builder used it in my attic. That day I learned a little about insulation and he learned that his future wife has a very real fear of bats!

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