should old acquaintance be forgot?

Let's have a heart to heart...shall we?

This might be long...so you may want to go fill up your coffee and grab a snack.

Remember THIS post from before Christmas...well though I haven't talked much about it...the feelings are still there. Though just a little amended.

I think about these things a lot...a lot...night and day really. I haven't been sleeping all that great because I am SO close to getting IT...you know...when you ponder an issue and think about it all the time...and slowly pieces come together to form THE answer you are looking for(IT)?

Here goes...the biggest breakthrough so far is that...it's not that I don't like myself. If I really think about it...I am pretty happy with me. Considering all the junk I have had to deal with my whole life...I like me. God has healed so much...I feel like an old treasure that was buried in the garden...God has been cleaning me up to be like new...there is still some dirt and grime but there are also some really beautiful parts peeking through. So, I like who I am.

Usually it is who I am NOT that gets me the most. You get that?
For example...
I am NOT the kind of person that people flock to, I have to fight for friends.

It's true. Every, single good relationship I have in my life, I have had to fight for.
My best friend...thought I hated her when we first met.
My husband...turned me down for a date THREE times before he went out with me.
My Jesus...I have been mocked and accused of being in a CULT because of my relationship with him.
There are many, MANY more examples. Nearly each and every relationship in my life, truly.
If you know me in real life...I bet you will agree.

Friends have never come easy to me. My life experiences have not built me that way. But I AM learning to change that...have been for years.

The biggest hurts in my life have come from fighting for relationships that should have been...should BE let go. Sometimes the right answer is to let go.
2009 has shown me that.

I think part of that need to pursue...is the need to feel like I am included...part of the group. Being excluded stings...no matter your age. For as long as I can remember, I have never been part of the group. Growing up...I never felt like I was part of the family group but more like an intruder in my own home. All through school I was the outcast...my family was poor and I was never well dressed and in the school I went to, that was enough to ensure that you never fit in. College...I was a non-drinker and never was a party person. My whole life I have been striving to fit in...to be part of something desirable.

I guess ultimately to feel loved.

When it comes to being hurt, I'm a slow learner. I can take a lot. But I AM learning. Slowly but surely God is showing me direction, but He knows it has to be slow.
He must know because it has taken years.


Doug and I went on our first date on September 3, 2004.

That is when my life changed.
I finally felt truly secure and loved and treasured. Someone wanted to be with me...would call me first...would include me in plans...would pursue ME!

Since that day God has been showing me what He wants Crystal to look like.
He repeatedly tells me that all I need is Him. Him. Him.
HIS group is the only one I want to desire.
HE has always loved me.
HE flocks to me...and always has.
And THAT is enough for me.

Am I out of the woods? No...but I have the want to want to. If I look at who I was ten years ago and who I am now...WOW. Seriously. It's remarkable. Believe me. If you could just know the layers of mess that have been shed...WOW. Even I can't believe the changes.

I love, LOVE, how God has used my experiences to teach me.

I have become a better person, learned how to be a better friend...a better wife, a better mother.

So as I step into 2010...I am aiming more than ever to be the BEST me I can be.
To remove the final layers of hurt and past that have formed who I am and reshape them into things that will help me be a better person.

I will continue, with His help, to sift through the relationships and friendships that need to be let go...for now or always...it's up to Him. It always has been but it's taken me a while for that to sink into my hard, stubborn head. :) And one day I hope to be happy with the things that I am NOT as well as the things that I AM.

As for the copy cat issue. Truly. You and you and you and you and you and the dozens of others who emailed me...have shown me that it is not something I should worry about because it is known...those who copy are as obvious as black cat in snow. I'll save your emails to remind me...and will enter 2010 with the hopes of being more awesome then ever! :)


Sorry if these kind of topics are too deep for you, I know lots of bloggers avoid the not good...but this is REAL.
And I always try to be real.
And one day I want my boys to read these entries and understand their mom on a deeper level.
Yes life is good and fun and bright and crazy...but life is also growing and changing and learning.

I hope you like learning with me too. :)




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24 comments:

Norma Lee @ Norma Lee Good said...

Sometimes I feel that when we finally get IT- it is a bittersweet relief. We are happy because we get a piece of the puzzle but it stings because it feels like a piece of you is exposed that isn't pretty or what you wanted to know about yourself. You are a beautiful person and just remember that the flaws you think you have are not who you are...it is how the enemy gets to us and brings us down. You are loved. You are perfect in His eyes.

ccp said...

keep fighting, C. love you!

Happy Hodge Podge said...

sometimes i think we are the same person...!!!

Heather at All A Flutter said...

I'm glad you wrote this post. It's so important for us bloggers to show our real selves!! I think it's the only way we can really connect and be inspired. Know that you are inspiring to lots of us out there, creatively and spiritually. Happy New Year!

Stephanie said...

This was a truly beautiful post. I love how much you know about yourself and are continuing to learn and build upon. I feel that this coming year will be very life-changing for me as far as learning about who I am and chasing dreams... so reading this was very inspirational. Happy New Year!

jac said...

Dear Crystal, I think many women can relate to your post in one way or more. In my case the parts about fitting in, friendships and being happy with who you are. Indeed, it takes time (years !!) to learn these things. I wish you and your family a good, healthy and blessed 2010. Jacomijn

The Pampered Mom said...

This really tugged at my heart. There are a lot of things in this post that I have gone through. Thanks for sharing, and here's to 2010!

Courtney said...

i love the real stuff...thanks for sharing!

Grace said...

You touched a deep cord within me, we have the same issue's. I too am yearning for friendship. I know I am a good person, I have a wonderful husband, a relationship with my Lord Jesus, but yet I find it so hard to make friends, even with Christian friends. Why? I don't know but I hope that can change in 2010. Here's to God's plan for all of us!

Big Yellow Dog said...

What a beautiful, courageous post!

Trish said...

just so you know... you were the first person that I flocked too on Etsy... your shop drew me in as did your blog and from the first time I saw your shop, I wanted to be your friend!

xoxo

Kelley said...

Thank you for sharing. You conveyed many things I've never been able to pinpoint in my own life. I always pursue. I rarely feel included. Etc. I get you! I hope we both continue to grow! And BTW, I like you!!! I wouldn't check your blog DAILY if I didn't. Happy 2010 from So Cal.

Sandra said...

Oh beautiful girl, may you always know how much you are loved and treasured by your God and by your husband and children.
I can be pretty hard on myself and terribly insecure. Before I was married, there were a lot of friendships that were very important to me and to my faith journey. But they made no effort to keep in touch and I felt like they didn't value my friendship like I did their's. It took a long time to let go of that hurt. (I've been married 13 years now :))
God keeps on teaching us and healing us. Here's to your journey in 2010!

Shelly said...

I loved this post, I can identify with the friend thing and the being excluded, AND with the liking yourself...I"m the same way, I actually like what I am now, after so much healing and learning, AND struggle with not liking what I am NOT. I knew we had more in common than our mutual love of stuff that's a "little bit funky"!! I'd be your friend if I knew you IRL! :-)

Jodi said...

Can't say that I know you, but I can say that I enjoy your blog, admire your creativity, love your creations, and wish I could put my thoughts on paper as vividly as you did in this post.

Thanks for the honesty.

mama j said...

THANK YOU, Crystal! I'm going to email you, b/c I want to COPY you....seriously-u just sneaked into my heart and wrote all that I have been feeling.....Thank you.
-Jess <><

Elise said...

Crystal...There seems to be a common thread on here and in life, even. I know that some of us weren't always, if ever, in the "in crowd". I certainly wasn't, though I was in homeroom with most of them. Ugh...Anyway, I have come to realize, and truly realized way back when, that though they may be prettier{on the outside} and seem to have it all, most of them are probably going to hell. That's just to put it bluntly. I also understand the whole friendship thing. I sometimes dislike my personality, wondering why it is the way it is why its not how I would love for it to be. I feel a certain little kinship with you on that note.
To the whole copy cat thing...I dabble in crafts, getting inspiration from a little bit of everywhere, as I think most people do, whether you change a detail to "make it your own", etc. Take for instance...one time I wanted to make those cute totes out of Sew Pretty Homestyle-I think you know the book-I couldn't wrap my brain around the how-to's of those. I emailed Julie, of Joy's Hope, and she was gracious enough to email me back what she had come up with. Still my brain wasn't getting it. So, I make up my own bag as I go along. It was for a swap, as that is what I seem to craft for most{the shoemaker's children having no shoes and whatnot ;)}. Anyhow, I made a super cute bag, but only that one. One day I am perusing etsy, trying to price out said bag, if I were to make and sell it, and lo and behold, I see a very similar-if not the same bag. I cannot say that the girl "stole" my idea, because truly, God could have given her the same vision. I am not sure of whom you speak, but sometimes you are just going to have to let it go. I think it will eat you up inside. There are things I remember from growing up-not very pleasant things-and I will bring it up to my Mom, who ever so thoughtfully{dripping with sarcasm here}says,"you're just going to have to get over that".
Okay...sorry for the book, especially from someone you don't know. ;)
You are special and as this youth pastor told this boy he was baptise-ing{?} today, He is a gift.
Elise

Carrie said...

Thanks for sharing. I can relate to the different trials we go through in life. Let's start 2010 off right :)

SarahRachel said...

I am so inspired by your transparency. It is good.

Beth said...

i want to be your friend. even if it's from 1000 miles away through an internet connection. ;)

The Mangerchine's said...

Thanks for being open, and vulnerable, and real... that takes courage, and isn't easy!!!! So glad the Lord is working in you, and speaking to you, as He makes you more like Himself.

Shannon

Christine said...

Oh I'm in tears. For once I feel like some actually knows how I feel. You are an amazing woman, so loving, talented and compassionate in so many ways. I've stuggled blogging because I got caught in trying to fit in and then I found myself being someone I wasn't shying away from the whole purpose of why I started my blog. It was for me to me, lay out my journey, let my family and friends see deeper into my heart but also to hopefully touch someone along the way that may be struggling with the same hurts I had faced. I got lost, hurt and found myself questioning my own capablities. All so I could fit in! I'm glad you got deep.. deep is good sometimes! Like I said, you are amazing!! I pray that this year will bring amazing blessings for you!

xo Chris

Holly said...

Love you sweet Crystal. You are amazing!!!! xoxo

sara luke said...

I think you're great.

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