Let's have a heart to heart...shall we?This might be long...so you may want to go fill up your coffee and grab a snack.
Remember THIS post from before Christmas...well though I haven't talked much about it...the feelings are still there. Though just a little amended.
I think about these things a lot...a lot...night and day really. I haven't been sleeping all that great because I am SO close to getting IT...you know...when you ponder an issue and think about it all the time...and slowly pieces come together to form THE answer you are looking for(IT)?
Here goes...the biggest breakthrough so far is that...it's not that I don't like myself. If I really think about it...I am pretty happy with me. Considering all the junk I have had to deal with my whole life...I like me. God has healed so much...I feel like an old treasure that was buried in the garden...God has been cleaning me up to be like new...there is still some dirt and grime but there are also some really beautiful parts peeking through. So, I like who I am.
Usually it is who I am NOT that gets me the most. You get that?
For example...
I am NOT the kind of person that people flock to, I have to fight for friends.
It's true. Every, single good relationship I have in my life, I have had to fight for.
My best friend...thought I hated her when we first met.
My husband...turned me down for a date THREE times before he went out with me.
My Jesus...I have been mocked and accused of being in a CULT because of my relationship with him.
There are many, MANY more examples. Nearly each and every relationship in my life, truly.
If you know me in real life...I bet you will agree.
Friends have never come easy to me. My life experiences have not built me that way. But I AM learning to change that...have been for years.
The biggest hurts in my life have come from fighting for relationships that should have been...should BE let go. Sometimes the right answer is to let go.
2009 has shown me that.
I think part of that need to pursue...is the need to feel like I am included...part of the group. Being excluded stings...no matter your age. For as long as I can remember, I have never been part of the group. Growing up...I never felt like I was part of the family group but more like an intruder in my own home. All through school I was the outcast...my family was poor and I was never well dressed and in the school I went to, that was enough to ensure that you never fit in. College...I was a non-drinker and never was a party person. My whole life I have been striving to fit in...to be part of something desirable.
I guess ultimately to feel loved.
When it comes to being hurt, I'm a slow learner. I can take a lot. But I AM learning. Slowly but surely God is showing me direction, but He knows it has to be slow.
He must know because it has taken years.
Doug and I went on our first date on September 3, 2004.
That is when my life changed.
I finally felt truly secure and loved and treasured. Someone wanted to be with me...would call me first...would include me in plans...would pursue ME!
Since that day God has been showing me what He wants Crystal to look like.
He repeatedly tells me that all I need is Him. Him. Him.
HIS group is the only one I want to desire.
HE has always loved me.
HE flocks to me...and always has.
And THAT is enough for me.
Am I out of the woods? No...but I have the want to want to. If I look at who I was ten years ago and who I am now...WOW. Seriously. It's remarkable. Believe me. If you could just know the layers of mess that have been shed...WOW. Even I can't believe the changes.
I love, LOVE, how God has used my experiences to teach me.
I have become a better person, learned how to be a better friend...a better wife, a better mother.
So as I step into 2010...I am aiming more than ever to be the BEST me I can be.
To remove the final layers of hurt and past that have formed who I am and reshape them into things that will help me be a better person.
I will continue, with His help, to sift through the relationships and friendships that need to be let go...for now or always...it's up to Him. It always has been but it's taken me a while for that to sink into my hard, stubborn head. :) And one day I hope to be happy with the things that I am NOT as well as the things that I AM.
As for the copy cat issue. Truly. You and you and you and you and you and the dozens of others who emailed me...have shown me that it is not something I should worry about because it is known...those who copy are as obvious as black cat in snow. I'll save your emails to remind me...and will enter 2010 with the hopes of being more awesome then ever! :)
Sorry if these kind of topics are too deep for you, I know lots of bloggers avoid the not good...but this is REAL.
And I always try to be real.
And one day I want my boys to read these entries and understand their mom on a deeper level.
Yes life is good and fun and bright and crazy...but life is also growing and changing and learning.
I hope you like learning with me too. :)
Remember THIS post from before Christmas...well though I haven't talked much about it...the feelings are still there. Though just a little amended.
I think about these things a lot...a lot...night and day really. I haven't been sleeping all that great because I am SO close to getting IT...you know...when you ponder an issue and think about it all the time...and slowly pieces come together to form THE answer you are looking for(IT)?
Here goes...the biggest breakthrough so far is that...it's not that I don't like myself. If I really think about it...I am pretty happy with me. Considering all the junk I have had to deal with my whole life...I like me. God has healed so much...I feel like an old treasure that was buried in the garden...God has been cleaning me up to be like new...there is still some dirt and grime but there are also some really beautiful parts peeking through. So, I like who I am.
Usually it is who I am NOT that gets me the most. You get that?
For example...
I am NOT the kind of person that people flock to, I have to fight for friends.
It's true. Every, single good relationship I have in my life, I have had to fight for.
My best friend...thought I hated her when we first met.
My husband...turned me down for a date THREE times before he went out with me.
My Jesus...I have been mocked and accused of being in a CULT because of my relationship with him.
There are many, MANY more examples. Nearly each and every relationship in my life, truly.
If you know me in real life...I bet you will agree.
Friends have never come easy to me. My life experiences have not built me that way. But I AM learning to change that...have been for years.
The biggest hurts in my life have come from fighting for relationships that should have been...should BE let go. Sometimes the right answer is to let go.
2009 has shown me that.
I think part of that need to pursue...is the need to feel like I am included...part of the group. Being excluded stings...no matter your age. For as long as I can remember, I have never been part of the group. Growing up...I never felt like I was part of the family group but more like an intruder in my own home. All through school I was the outcast...my family was poor and I was never well dressed and in the school I went to, that was enough to ensure that you never fit in. College...I was a non-drinker and never was a party person. My whole life I have been striving to fit in...to be part of something desirable.
I guess ultimately to feel loved.
When it comes to being hurt, I'm a slow learner. I can take a lot. But I AM learning. Slowly but surely God is showing me direction, but He knows it has to be slow.
He must know because it has taken years.
Doug and I went on our first date on September 3, 2004.
That is when my life changed.
I finally felt truly secure and loved and treasured. Someone wanted to be with me...would call me first...would include me in plans...would pursue ME!
Since that day God has been showing me what He wants Crystal to look like.
He repeatedly tells me that all I need is Him. Him. Him.
HIS group is the only one I want to desire.
HE has always loved me.
HE flocks to me...and always has.
And THAT is enough for me.
Am I out of the woods? No...but I have the want to want to. If I look at who I was ten years ago and who I am now...WOW. Seriously. It's remarkable. Believe me. If you could just know the layers of mess that have been shed...WOW. Even I can't believe the changes.
I love, LOVE, how God has used my experiences to teach me.
I have become a better person, learned how to be a better friend...a better wife, a better mother.
So as I step into 2010...I am aiming more than ever to be the BEST me I can be.
To remove the final layers of hurt and past that have formed who I am and reshape them into things that will help me be a better person.
I will continue, with His help, to sift through the relationships and friendships that need to be let go...for now or always...it's up to Him. It always has been but it's taken me a while for that to sink into my hard, stubborn head. :) And one day I hope to be happy with the things that I am NOT as well as the things that I AM.
As for the copy cat issue. Truly. You and you and you and you and you and the dozens of others who emailed me...have shown me that it is not something I should worry about because it is known...those who copy are as obvious as black cat in snow. I'll save your emails to remind me...and will enter 2010 with the hopes of being more awesome then ever! :)
Sorry if these kind of topics are too deep for you, I know lots of bloggers avoid the not good...but this is REAL.
And I always try to be real.
And one day I want my boys to read these entries and understand their mom on a deeper level.
Yes life is good and fun and bright and crazy...but life is also growing and changing and learning.
I hope you like learning with me too. :)
