feeling the mess.

I have felt like a complete and utter mess lately.
I lay awake at night thinking about it.
Thinking about how to fix it.
If it can be fixed.
If I need to lay it all out and walk away.
See what happens.
When do you know when it is time for that?
When are you allowed to say "no more...that is enough of that"?
When are you allowed to say "You won't hurt me anymore"?
I feel like I am there.
I don't have it in me to do it any more.
I have already pulled from the reserve.
Again and again.
Now it is starting to cost my kids and my husband.
And that is not fair.
Not to mention the cost to me.
I feel stifled and stuck until I deal with it.
It's one thing to deal with your own mess.
Quite another to deal with someone else's.
So that is where I am today.
Hoping and praying that the weekend will bring some clarity.
And some inspiration.

xo
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13 comments:

Courtney said...

wow. i don't have an answer for you, since i, obviously, don't know the whole situation. but i do KNOW without a doubt that if you go to HIM that HE had the answer. and i don't say that in a "fluffy" "trite" way...it's the TRUTH again and again and again. maybe not an easy answer...but the right one. praying for clarity for you. and maybe a break from whatever it is?

Katie said...

sorry to hear that you are going through some stuff right now.... don't let it take you away from your family though. Your boys are going to grow right before your eyes before you know it & I know that you don't want to miss a minute of it!! take it from me... been there done that!!! Hope you get the answer you are looking for:)

meg duerksen said...

ugh.
i hate feeling like that.
it's so tiring and sad and draining.
and my husabnd would say "just stop. change your thoughts. just stop." then i cry and think he's crazy. but take time to realize what i am doing and try my best to JUST STOP.
like you said...decide: you won't hurt me anymore.
period.
i will pray for you today. keep praying for god to change your heart or theirs or for a new outlook.???
if i was there i would give you a super big hug...then we'd go for coffee and a little shopping...then my cell phone would ring and it would be the school telling me i was late for something or missed another event or forgot a child.
:)

now...go kiss on those boys!!!!

Kristi said...

I'm not sure if I recommended the book "Boundaries" in the past, but I do recommend it. In summary, what this person is doing is not right. But you are also "letting" this person's actions get to you. My advice is to say "away with you, you aren't going to hurt me anymore". Does this person really deserve any of your attention? I think not. And yet, pray for this person but outside the realm of your life. It's so toxic for you and you don't need that. Sin breeds sin. You don't want that around you!! Love you enemy doesn't mean letting them beat you over the head with a hammer.

That was my tough love. HUGS.

Molly said...

Crystal I will keep you in my prayers and hope God can help you in this situation. I hope you get some clarity and some inspiration from God. Have a great weekend and remember this person only gets joy out of seeing you hurting like this. People are so mean sometimes.
~Molly P

Heidi Jo the Artist said...

I don’t comment on your blog much, but I do follow your blog and love it very much! I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time right now. I will pray for YOU. Prayer is so powerful. Sometimes God doesn’t answer our prayers the way we think he should. However, I have come to realize through the years that he does things/allows things, so we can appreciate things more or learn from them. Many times I’ve thought what am I suppose to learn from this?! And years later things come back, as in, I’m like- oh wow! That is why I needed to go through that, to appreciate people, to help people, or to do this. I hope you are able to find peace in whatever decision you have to make.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” ~ John 14: 27

Psalm 31: 13-18 is also very good.

Heidi Jo the Artist
http://swirlsofcreativity.etsy.com
Swirls of Creativity’s Purple Thursday ~ Every Thursday!
http://swirlsofcreativity.blogspot.com
http://greenresolution.blogspot.com

mama j said...

I just emailed you--so if you receive an email from an unfamiliar account, it's "me." sufficientgrace4me at yahoo dot com

((Hugs))

LibraryGirl62 said...

I feel the exact same way lately...

The Tulip Lady said...

hello there, two things:

you DO know that answer to your tough questions. we all do, it's the deciding to accept the consequences that is the hard part. we know what we need to do, it's dealing with the results that is tough.

letting go. i quite frankly SUCK at it. i don't do it enough. it is hard for me. i have a memory like an elephant. not only do i remember everything, i feel it too. so letting go is an action sometimes that we have to purposefully practice.

i wish you the best, and remember, God only gives you as much as you can handle, leave it in His hands. rest well.

BlueJShop said...

Thinking of you, saying a prayer. :)
Look for a long e-mail from me in the next week.

forever folding laundry said...

You're not alone in your feelings...hang in there...and keep praying. Hope this weekend gives you some much-deserved rest! (Both mentally and physically!)

~Keri

Lisa said...

((((((You))))))
Your in my prayers...
:)Lisa

Michelle said...

call me sometime Crystal. Let me know what is going on. Happy Mothers Day! Love and miss you.

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