inside.

Something I have been thinking about a lot lately...the mom game. The game that I am sure that every single mom, and woman for that matter, plays with the world. It goes something like this...often I find myself thinking that I must be the worst mother in the world. That no other mother would do things as badly as I do. I find myself comparing every element of myself to my friends and other women around me. EVERY element. Thinking surely every woman I know is a better mother, friend, wife, sister, daughter-in-law, etc. I find myself thinking that I am less able, less creative, less stylish, less attractive, less everything. That every mother I know has it more together than I do. That no one else's two year old is making them crazy. That no one else wants to lock themselves in the bathroom, just for a moment of silence. That no one else wonders why God even thought that they could handle raising children. I often get lost in what I think is an individual experience of motherhood. Trying my best to learn my new babies pattern of life...only to have him poop himself awake once I FINALLY get him to sleep. Wanting my toddler to be quiet just for ONE minute so I can have a clear thought. Wanting to be able to concentrate during a conversation...just once...if even for a moment. Wanting SO desperately to parent in such a way that I nurture the darling and wonderful people my kids are and NOT parent in a way that forms their characters in any other way than what God wants for them. And failing a lot.
Then there was a moment at MOPS. A beautiful clear moment where we were ALL talking about having the same experience. Comparing stories that were wonderfully similar. A bit of relief settled over the table...at least over me...conveying that we are ALL in this together...that there is no such thing as a unique mothering experience...that every mother has moments of insanity...that we all wonder what if...or miss our former bodies...or want a moment of peace and quiet. For me this was a great reminder of why I love transparency. Of why I love and strive to be an authentic person...because when you are others can relate. No one can relate to supermom...which I think is someone we all want to be...or at least convey that we are. I am not. Nor do I want to be.
So this is me. Throwing down my cape and saying that I am not supermom. I do not have it all together. I let the TV babysit my son sometimes. I enjoy being alone sometimes. We have cereal for dinner sometimes. I lock myself in the bathroom sometimes. I am not always pleasant. I don't always parent the way that I should or the way that God wants me to. I make mistakes every hour. Every minute some days. Some nights I just want to sleep through the baby crying...I don't but I want to at times. I stay in the shower until the hot water runs out just for a few moments of quiet and alone. There were moments when my newborn was just home that I wondered what in the world I had done to my family. I don't always enjoy playing with my toddler. It's true. This is real mom stuff. And I know that if you are a mom that you have felt this way too. So I am just laying it out there in case you need a "we are all in this together" moment.

The best part is that I know that God knows all of this. Knew it all would happen and how I would handle each and every moment...yet still gave me two beautiful and wonderful boys. He thought high enough of me to give them to me. And that is amazing and humbling all at once. He knows how much and how deeply I love all three of my boys...and knows how much I want to give my best and do my best in each role of my life. I know that He forgives my mistakes and that if He does then I need to forgive myself as well. And so do you.

Happy Saturday!

xoxo
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29 comments:

Naptime Crafts said...

Crystal, I have thought every single thing that you have thought and I just keep telling myself that the first few months will be hard but it will all be ok in the end. The little ones are small enough that there is still time to shape them into the people we want them to be when life calms down some (in a year or 2) so I just do the best I can everyday and try to focus on what I didn't do the day before, like playing with Colleen or trying to hold Brighit more, or trying to get more schoolwork done instead of sitting around doing nothing, like I should be doing right now.

forever folding laundry said...

You're definitely not alone...and you're doing a great job. Don't feel guilty for those moments when you just need some alone time or maybe just were not as patient as you would have liked to be. There is no true supermom out there who is doing it all and never blows it with her kids. And, thankfully, after a particularly bad day usually God blesses us with a great one! Your boys (all three of them) are lucky to have you! =)

~Keri

alyssa said...

great post! and it is definitely a season!! when they are just a few years older, they are so much less needy & dependent on you....

and you are definitely not lacking in creativity!!

alyssa said...

oh, and your new header looks awesome!!

maribeth said...

you could not have written it any better. these are the same feelings i have a.l.o.t. that god would give me these beautiful children and yet i feel so unworthy. thank you for your words as a reminder that we all have those days. and, know that you are the best momma for those sweet boys!

Trish said...

i struggle with this immensely! i even have to avoid people, because i find myself becoming jealous of their "supermom" appearance. i know it's terrible of me!

it's hard, life is hard. but when i have those moments of laughter and innocence with my children all of the evil seems to melt away and i find myself not wanting anything to change, not even for a second!

i feel ya sista :) wish we lived close enough to grab a coffee... oh wait i gave that up for awhile ;) I guess i would just smell yours... MMMmmm!

Chance said...

What a refreshing post! I can truly relate to your fleeting moments of parenting insanity and so appreciate your honesty! Thanks for keeping it real. I look forward to reading your blog everyday! It is my release during those crazy moments some days...my blog therapy. : )

Chelsea Ling said...

Great post, really great. My son is about to turn 1 in a week and let me tell you I have had many of those exact moments and thoughts over this past year. It's good to hear someone else say it "out loud".

And I'm glad to see that you have these same thoughts.. because I know that I have read your blog and looked at your shop and envied you and thought "how does she do it?"

Xoxo

Cary said...

Thank goodness! Because I was beginning to wonder how in the world you kept it all together! Here you are, new baby, 2 yr old, still crafting and even coming up with new crafts. Posting pictures, seeming to always be in such a great mood! I have been secretely envying you because I was an emotional and physical wreck after my second child was born! It was the single most difficult task I have ever accomplished! Glad to know that perfection isn't always perfect!!!

Courtney von T said...

I followed Chelsea's link to this post and boy did i need it today! Thank you for such a frank and forgiving portrayal of motherhood!

Blissful Babe said...

Amen, my momma-sista!! We all feel the same way at some point...some more than others.... *ahem*.

You are not alone! Isn't that wonderful!

xoxo

Stephenie said...

Thank you so much for this post. I struggle with all of those feelings every day. I just hope my girls have the best childhood memories possible and don't remember all the stuff that I consider "bad mommy moments."

I definately need to work on forgiving myself and that is something MOPS is helping me with this year.

Dawn said...

Oh my, what a relief to know that I am not the only mom with those same feelings and thoughts! Your post was certainly was certainly a breath of fresh air and a good dose of reality for me today! :)

The Krull Family said...

Sure every woman/mom has different gifts, but every mom... even super mom, is not perfect (although she may want us to think so!). I appreciate other women who can talk about this, because transparency does lend to women becoming allies, not enemies. I'm right there with your sentiments!!!

Melissa said...

I swear you are singing my song missy..hang in there and take the moments you need...you will be a better mom because of it..beleive me:)

Southern Lady's Vintage said...

And blink your eyes and they will be grown and gone and you will be wishing you could re-live every single second of it all over again.
Hugs,
Barbara

Karen said...

I completely relate to this post -- thanks so much for sharing. It's refreshing to know that you share many of the same struggles I do.

meg duerksen said...

well said crystal.
we all feel those things for sure.
i compare. i feel alone. i feel less than enough for my family.
and then when i ever say anything to any mama about it...they always say "Me TOO!"
thanks for being real. we need it.

Julie @ Joy's Hope said...

So perfectly and beautifully said. Thank you for being so transparent. So honest. So real. Those are universal feelings, whether we care to admit them or not. I believe that this post will be an encouragement to many.

Oh Mandie! said...

Thank You - Thank You - Thank You for this post!

As another momma with 2 lil boys, its nice to know that that I'm not the only who feels this way :)

Jessica said...

You've gotta love MOPS! That's why it's so perfect...God knows you need the kinship of other Mommies. I'm just getting over the 2nd baby hump. My son is now 10 mths and my daughter is almost 4. It's a lot of work! Always remember to care for yourself-that makes you the BEST Mommy ever! Isn't that why we go to MOPS...it's caring for our minds and hearts!

Wisconsin Girl said...

Awesome post! There is nothing more real that all the words you expressed. This is our life, but it sure is wonderful too:)

SarahRachel said...

It's so nice getting an honest perspective on what it's like having two little boys. I'll be joining that club next month. I feel like I always get the nightmare perspective or the everything is perfect one. I think yours is just an honest look at your reality. If you ever want to see what's going on with Alan, Jackson, and I, my blog is at:
http://jjjourney.blogspot.com/

Bird, Frizzy and Yaya said...

My friend Wisconsin Girl shared your link with me today. I'm so glad she did. My husband and I are both having one of those days where WE feel beat up by our 2 year old toddler. How is it that one little person can wear two adults completely out? AMAZING! Thank you for your honesty! I hope you don't mind but I'll be linking to you on my own blog. Hope to see more of you in the future.

Lauren said...

Haven't commented on your blog before (b/c I was trying to stay incognito as your SS), but I had to say, "Amen!"

Isn't it interesting how much we moms look alike when we actually take off the masks!

Hope your little one is feeling better and that you're able to get in some crafty time!

Mum-me said...

I thought the same thing when I brought my 3rd baby home from hospital "What have I done to my family? I ruined my nice little family!" That was 7 years ago, and you are the first person who has ever admitted to thinking the same thing. So THANK YOU for sharing! (And you're right, I don't think any one of us have ever had a feeling of failure that someone else hadn't had too. It's just that up until now I thought I was alone on that one.)

Jeanette said...

First time commenter, long time reader...

As a first time mom, I needed to read this. Thank you...I was starting to cast my role in "Mommy Dearest, the sequel".

Linda said...

Hi Crystal~
Thank you for this post! I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm a mom of 3 now (5, 3 and 9 mo) - I was just feeling like I'd found a great family rhythm and balance, then #3 came along. It's been 9 months, and I still feel like I'm not taking care of everyone the way I should be, or the house, or myself. It's a constant worry in my head. I know it will come in time, but for me, it take a little longer each time. It's hard & wonderful all at the same time.

But...I know my limits, 3 is it for me. :)

Thanks again for sharing.
Have a beautiful day.
~Linda

ADH said...

hooray! thank you for sharing the "real" side to momhood!

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